Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered... - FML

By poorclubgoer - 14/11/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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The best cat

No one likes a smart-ass

Nice neighborhood

By Anonymous - 19/11/2011 19:08 - United States

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

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By Groped - 2/4/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, I gave up my seat on the subway for an elderly man. He thanked me by grabbing my ass. FML

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By romoangel - 21/4/2020 05:00

Full of it

Today, I felt a very sharp pain, like my appendix was going to burst. After going to the doctor, I was rushed to the hospital to get tests done. The doctors later told me there's nothing wrong, I was just constipated. I went to the hospital for them to basically tell me I'm full of shit. FML

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By Username - 24/2/2010 15:06 - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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By Dumbweed - 28/8/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

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By DramaticSigh - 15/8/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in. Since I was behind the counter, I asked if she needed help with anything. I've worked there for five years, and I didn't recognize my own boss. FML

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By Anonyme - 18/6/2011 01:25 - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

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By randomnamehere - 27/7/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny to squirt disappearing ink on my wedding dress right before I walked down the aisle. It didn't disappear. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - 10/11/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By Stephie2009 - 30/10/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, my mother got remarried. I am now officially older than my step-father. FML

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By PunctureWound - 10/10/2010 00:57 - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

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By TriedToHelp - 2/6/2019 14:05

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 12:00

Duchamp would be proud

Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

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By idontunderstand - 7/5/2018 19:00

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

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By garfwebba - 3/1/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend didn't get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it "Have a purrrrfect birthday." Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML

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By wtf - 30/8/2011 12:16 - India

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

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By thissucks - 14/9/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

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By amandanoelle - 9/10/2016 06:42 - United States - Hot Springs National Park

Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

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By Grounded - 3/11/2011 09:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

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By JMU - 6/7/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

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By estranger - 3/1/2014 22:36 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

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By flowerging - 11/4/2013 04:53 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

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By Doubleyew1 - 2/8/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 02:01

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2014 15:26 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

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By MrCanoe - 1/3/2009 21:58 - Canada

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and me over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother's wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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By Peekaman - 15/8/2010 22:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2016 01:40 - United States - Walnut

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

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By milly - 20/12/2011 10:43 - Norway

Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

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By pharmn00b - 8/7/2009 17:52 - United States

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

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By localbarista - 3/8/2011 23:46 - United States

Today, a customer threw his cup of coffee at me screaming that it wasn't hot enough. Well, maybe it wasn't hot enough for him, but it was sure hot enough to burn me. FML

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By poopcoloredeyes - 31/10/2011 20:06 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 18:45 - United States

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

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By StellarSapience - 22/5/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at work at an office store. I was instructed to put together several tape-free cardboard boxes. I then realized that I can disassemble and reassemble a computer with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, but I was outsmarted by a cardboard box. FML

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By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

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By danman - 14/4/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

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Top comments

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#671401 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:44

I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR!

By perdix | 29

#671307 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

He accidentally got your money when he was trying to burgle your turds, turd-burglar.

Comments

By Nonamerequired | 0

#671281 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:09

First to vote you thumbs down

By ChaplinSnakker | 0

#671283 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:09

Ouch, never cool. But i must ask, who goes out clubbing then out for dinner?

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#671299 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:15

I agree, that's strange.

Reply

Malfunkshun | 1

#671311 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

I believe she means she was clubbing and dining at the same venue. Still rather strange, I know.

Reply

Postlude | 1

#671337 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:31

Someone doesn't seem to have noticed that this was posted by a man.

Reply

IgniteMe28 | 0

#671377 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:09

lmao i know

Reply

bananamilkshake | 0

#671647 - Saturday 14 November 2009 20:56

anyway, OP deserved it for being gay

Reply

ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5488421 - Sunday 12 May 2013 6:08

Still a dude who posted this

Reply

DaRito | 25

#6254655 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 4:21

Gay guys?

By perdix | 29

#671307 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

He accidentally got your money when he was trying to burgle your turds, turd-burglar.

By peroxideprincess | 0

#671322 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:25

he hypnotized you with his attractiveness... O_O

By blastvortex | 3

#671353 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:47

pwned

By Overcast117 | 5

#671363 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:51

Inb4 'LOL it saiz u danced w/ a MAN but u are also a MAN. LOL'

*sigh* Just watch. :|

Reply

IgniteMe28 | 0

#671380 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:14

lmao i know. so funny. just wait for all the flamers to come in and get all bitchy at our "ignorance"

By Julianneisasmurf | 0

#671381 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:15

aww that sux : ( you should never dance with strangers btw... I have had the same thing happen to me when I danced with this seemingly sweet girl... only she stole my cell -.-"

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#671401 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:44

I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR!

Reply

peroxideprincess | 0

#671587 - Saturday 14 November 2009 20:21

XD

Reply

wah_face | 0

#672171 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:20

love that clip!

By greenfairy_fml | 0

#671425 - Saturday 14 November 2009 18:08

Ugh, why I hate the sketchiness of clubs.

By eleni_fml | 0

#671493 - Saturday 14 November 2009 19:07

You have way too much time on your hands.