Money: Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered... - FML

By poorclubgoer - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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Proactive

Out of it

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By heartsick - United States

Today, I went to the hospital with severe chest pain, thinking it was a heart attack. Turns out now I just can't have booze, pop, chocolate, fruit with skins, seeds, tomatoes, or mint. I'd rather have the heart attack. FML

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By patrickalamo - United States

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

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By okeythen - United States - Orlando

Today, I heard my husband telling his friend that I used to be a skank and was "easier than 1 plus 1" when we first met. I was still a virgin when we got married. FML

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By BigMoney - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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By goodeyesight - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

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By wowthanks - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, I was asked out by a friend of mine. He's a doctor and works at a prestigious hospital, so thinking we would eat somewhere special, I got all dressed up. We ended up eating at his hospital's cafeteria, because he gets a small employee discount. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 05:01 - Germany - Norden

Work together!

Today, our cats got in a serious fight about the rights to some prime mousing territory. The territory in question? Our kitchen. FML

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By Tick

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

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By Z3R0G5 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brossard

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

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By James - 31/1/2021 11:01

How could you forget?

Today, I realised that my birthday was yesterday. I was so busy with my painting work that I completely forgot. I realised when I got messages from friends in the USA, wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously timezones? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

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By soupduped - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

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By toughlove - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he had feelings for someone else. He also told me he wanted to continue dating me until things progressed further with the other woman. FML

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By Stalked - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML

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By Kyokushin - United States

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

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By LemonLearn - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By Stung - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a fist-fight with a wasp, aka a Nazi helicopter. Despite swiping at it with ninja-like skills, I lost. FML

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By tasian14 - 1/1/2021 17:01

Here's to a better year

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years decided on New Year's Eve to get on his knees and tell me that he cheated on me with his ex, and they're getting back together. Yay last day of 2020! FML

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By rookiemistake - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML

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By

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

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By heightdifference - United States - Memphis

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

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By Olz

Today, I received my 12-month diet plan from an online coach. It said, “Eat less calories lol.” I just lost £175. FML

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By Neuronerd - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML

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By hellogoodbye - Canada

Today, at work my arms were full. I needed to get the door open, so instead of pushing the swing door open with my shoulder, I kicked it open with my foot. Right into my manager's face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Duns

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

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By Mc2013 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

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By MomOfBoys

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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By Eminnis - United States - Woodland Park

Today, I walked in on my dad completely naked. When I expressed my displeasure, he told me to knock next time. I'd agree with him, if he hadn't been standing in the middle of the hallway in our very open living room. FML

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By jet8725 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my friend who has the same birthday by going out to dinner with a bunch of our friends. The waiter brought out a cake for my friend but not for me. No one noticed my exclusion. I sang happy birthday on my birthday. FML

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By overpriced coffee shop worker - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

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By Just_do_it_17 - United States

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

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By impatient amy - Ireland

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

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By SNBBFF - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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Top comments

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#671401 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:44

I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR!

By perdix | 29

#671307 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

He accidentally got your money when he was trying to burgle your turds, turd-burglar.

COMMENTS

By Nonamerequired | 0

#671281 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:09

First to vote you thumbs down

By ChaplinSnakker | 0

#671283 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:09

Ouch, never cool. But i must ask, who goes out clubbing then out for dinner?

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#671299 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:15

I agree, that's strange.

Reply

Malfunkshun | 1

#671311 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

I believe she means she was clubbing and dining at the same venue. Still rather strange, I know.

Reply

Postlude | 1

#671337 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:31

Someone doesn't seem to have noticed that this was posted by a man.

Reply

IgniteMe28 | 0

#671377 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:09

lmao i know

Reply

bananamilkshake | 0

#671647 - Saturday 14 November 2009 20:56

anyway, OP deserved it for being gay

Reply

ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5488421 - Sunday 12 May 2013 6:08

Still a dude who posted this

Reply

DaRito | 25

#6254655 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 4:21

Gay guys?

By perdix | 29

#671307 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

He accidentally got your money when he was trying to burgle your turds, turd-burglar.

By peroxideprincess | 0

#671322 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:25

he hypnotized you with his attractiveness... O_O

By blastvortex | 3

#671353 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:47

pwned

By Overcast117 | 5

#671363 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:51

Inb4 'LOL it saiz u danced w/ a MAN but u are also a MAN. LOL'

*sigh* Just watch. :|

Reply

IgniteMe28 | 0

#671380 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:14

lmao i know. so funny. just wait for all the flamers to come in and get all bitchy at our "ignorance"

By Julianneisasmurf | 0

#671381 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:15

aww that sux : ( you should never dance with strangers btw... I have had the same thing happen to me when I danced with this seemingly sweet girl... only she stole my cell -.-"

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#671401 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:44

I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR!

Reply

peroxideprincess | 0

#671587 - Saturday 14 November 2009 20:21

XD

Reply

wah_face | 0

#672171 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:20

love that clip!

By greenfairy_fml | 0

#671425 - Saturday 14 November 2009 18:08

Ugh, why I hate the sketchiness of clubs.

By eleni_fml | 0

#671493 - Saturday 14 November 2009 19:07

You have way too much time on your hands.