Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered... - FML

By poorclubgoer - 14/11/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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That'll be Kevin in accounting

How's your hovel?

Fuck the patriarchy

By Username - 23/11/2010 20:53

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

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By blink_kid - 10/8/2012 12:57 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By fmylife7721 - 3/7/2011 05:51 - Canada

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2019 12:00

Today, I nearly drowned. I was at a wave pool for the first time and stupidly swam out to the deep end. When the waves turned on, I discovered I can't swim in rough water. Despite my yelling, "Help!" and flailing around, the lifeguard paid me no attention. My friend had to save me. FML

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By soccercrazed1520 - 13/1/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

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By imafunguy - 5/10/2012 00:28 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out. She replied, "Sorry, I'm suddenly a lesbian." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2013 18:01 - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

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By ohtheirony - 19/8/2018 18:30

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

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By ReptillianFreeloader - 13/2/2017 11:00 - Australia - North Lakes

Australia? Australia.

Today, I had to chase off the Eastern Brown snake that's been hanging around. When it doubled back, I fell over trying to move out of its way and landed in a bush that contained 3 separate wasp nests. My body feels like it is on fire and the snake is now in my chook shed, refusing to leave. FML

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By Hesintrouble - 23/7/2013 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

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By TheLibrarian - 27/10/2018 05:00

Today, after being jobless for 2 years, I got a call back for an interview. I was ecstatic until I saw the date. It's the same day I leave for a weeklong, nonrefundable vacation. I applied for the job 6 weeks ago, and since not hearing anything bought the vacation 2 weeks ago. FML

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By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turns sexual. He stops responding but I continue with the conversation. Then I get a response: "this is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff". FML

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By maddie - 6/11/2013 05:06 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

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By enya - 18/1/2016 22:29 - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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By UnderAcheiver - 26/8/2016 20:46 - United States - Cypress

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

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By ollierocks96 - 17/12/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

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By Jason the flasher - 15/9/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me. He was calling me by collect call from the county jail. FML

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By Happyforeverx - 25/10/2009 15:30 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I kept restarting my internet, wondering why I wasn't receiving any messages from my friends. Then I realized they were all ignoring me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2020 02:02

Heartless

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

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By manhood fading away - 25/12/2016 20:24 - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML

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By BlackCheetah101 - 4/11/2009 06:51 - Australia

Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend "You're kidding, right?" FML

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By yuen - 16/6/2009 14:59 - Australia

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home. Since it was 10 degrees outside and snowing, the can became frozen to the valve. When I finally got the can off, I had ruined the valve, so I had to put on the spare tire. It was flat too. FML

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By fckdsamaritan - 16/12/2010 19:35 - Tunisia

Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend looked at me and suggestively told me to take a shower. He's leaving for two days so I humored him, thinking he wanted to do it in the shower. I waited for 20 minutes before he knocked on the door, telling me he needed to shower as well. He just wanted me to take a shower. FML

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By Samaritan - 19/1/2010 13:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I was given a ticket for running a red light. The reason? I was moving out of the way of an ambulance. The police officer watched it go by. FML

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By trojan72 - 13/6/2017 00:00

Today, marks a whole month that my boss has asked me to come in early to my part-time job, which makes me pretty happy to get the extra hours. I casually made a joke that she might as well make me full-time now. That made her change her mind, now I'm back down to 23 hours a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2015 01:33 - United States - Hayward

Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 09:04 - Australia

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2018 15:00

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 20:01

Clean break

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

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By Jeff make - 1/4/2012 14:03 - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2019 17:15

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 16:41 - Belgium

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

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By random - 8/1/2015 05:24 - United States - Arvada

Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML

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Top comments

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#671401 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:44

I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR!

By perdix | 29

#671307 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

He accidentally got your money when he was trying to burgle your turds, turd-burglar.

COMMENTS

By Nonamerequired | 0

#671281 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:09

First to vote you thumbs down

By ChaplinSnakker | 0

#671283 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:09

Ouch, never cool. But i must ask, who goes out clubbing then out for dinner?

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#671299 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:15

I agree, that's strange.

Reply

Malfunkshun | 1

#671311 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

I believe she means she was clubbing and dining at the same venue. Still rather strange, I know.

Reply

Postlude | 1

#671337 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:31

Someone doesn't seem to have noticed that this was posted by a man.

Reply

IgniteMe28 | 0

#671377 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:09

lmao i know

Reply

bananamilkshake | 0

#671647 - Saturday 14 November 2009 20:56

anyway, OP deserved it for being gay

Reply

ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5488421 - Sunday 12 May 2013 6:08

Still a dude who posted this

Reply

DaRito | 25

#6254655 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 4:21

Gay guys?

By perdix | 29

#671307 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:19

He accidentally got your money when he was trying to burgle your turds, turd-burglar.

By peroxideprincess | 0

#671322 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:25

he hypnotized you with his attractiveness... O_O

By blastvortex | 3

#671353 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:47

pwned

By Overcast117 | 5

#671363 - Saturday 14 November 2009 16:51

Inb4 'LOL it saiz u danced w/ a MAN but u are also a MAN. LOL'

*sigh* Just watch. :|

Reply

IgniteMe28 | 0

#671380 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:14

lmao i know. so funny. just wait for all the flamers to come in and get all bitchy at our "ignorance"

By Julianneisasmurf | 0

#671381 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:15

aww that sux : ( you should never dance with strangers btw... I have had the same thing happen to me when I danced with this seemingly sweet girl... only she stole my cell -.-"

By pawpaw_fml | 0

#671401 - Saturday 14 November 2009 17:44

I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR GAAAYBAR!

Reply

peroxideprincess | 0

#671587 - Saturday 14 November 2009 20:21

XD

Reply

wah_face | 0

#672171 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:20

love that clip!

By greenfairy_fml | 0

#671425 - Saturday 14 November 2009 18:08

Ugh, why I hate the sketchiness of clubs.

By eleni_fml | 0

#671493 - Saturday 14 November 2009 19:07

You have way too much time on your hands.