You should buy a gun incase it's not a fat fuck and is instead a fit fuck.

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You deserve to die if you are smug enough to enter someone's house and take what is not yours. You take my toaster, I take your life. Simple math.

Let's just hope your mother in law doesn't have a key you don't know of. Murica!

I have a cheap toaster. so i don't think that's enough of a reason to shoot, but if (and its likely that this would be the case) the robber tries to attack me, and i'm a 4'10 woman, than i'm sure as shit reaching for a gun. And if the robber is armed, that won't be rock salt hurtling towards him.

Legal lesson for non-Americans: most US States have what is called “Castle Doctrine” which means you can use force or deadly force (depending on the state) to stop a forcible felony in your home. There is a presumption that using force to stop an intruder for breaking and entering (which is forcible felony regardless of their intention) is legal and the state has to prove it wasn’t. Attacking an intruder after they have left your property (chasing them down the street and shooting them in the back) isn’t legal.

It's not about deserving. If you're in my house, my children are here, and you're immediately a threat.

"What happened?" "I shot him with rock salt." "But he had his back to you." "...I couldn't tell."

Is your superpower making incredibly delicious snacks that the criminal gorges on and can’t get their bloated carcass out of your window?

Not really and fml. More like god damn I caught a robber. Go me!

Catching an intruder in your house is definitely an fml

so did you have him charged for the damages ? or is the body still dissolving ?

That is awesome. 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 please tell the truth. What did you stick in his ass.

Pull his pants down and tickle his asshole with a feather. That'll torture him and the best part is, nobody will believe you did it. No wounds, no injury, just psychological damages that would make his sphincter flinch whenever a breeze blows from behind.

dafuq

You must have the most interesting parties.

while waiting on the cops I would go out and dangle a chicken wing in his face.

Did your 911 call go like this
"Pooh Bear is stuck in my window"

Next time call 911 instead.