Love: Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful... - FML

By shinoza - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By bex - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

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By omgstuupidd - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

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By ravenskater

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

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By HeatedHeat - 29/3/2021 11:00

Erm, thanks, I guess

Today, I went to a store to buy a 43-inch TV that was on sale. The sale was so good that they sold out on the floor. I went to guest services and asked the employee if they had any in the back. She literally went to the back of the room, let out this god awful fart, came back out and said, “Sorry, we don’t.” FML

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By Fartnonymous - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

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By AMP4U - United States

Today, my fiancé changed his text message tone to a fart noise. He thinks it's hilarious and laughs every time he gets a text. He's 35 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2021 21:30

Horn section

Today, I matched with someone on a dating app. The first thing they said to me was, "What is the chance that you are the trombone player living below me and would you please stop playing after 9 p.m.?" I am that trombone player and due to Covid I have to practice a lot in my apartment. FML

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By omfgmaya - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend brought me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

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By BrokebyKids - United States

Today, my daughter asked for a dollar to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck while I was on my computer working. Out of my wallet she took a fifty dollar bill. The ice cream man got a big tip before driving off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML

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By NotTHATbad

Today, I found out that sometimes when my girlfriend is mad at me she will allow our unfixed male dog to jack off on my pillows when I'm at work. She won the battle and the war. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, a guy I've liked for a while asked if he could talk to me during break. He'd never done that before, so I was excited and said yes. As soon as we both sat down, he asked if I'd help him get a date with my best friend. FML

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By john doe - United States - Portland

Today, my 6-year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

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By besviken - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML

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By Screamingfirecracker - Canada

Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

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By TheComputerGuy96 - Italy

Today, I was locked out of my house. After hours of trying to break the door, I found out I accidentally left a window open. The door, however, still needs to be replaced. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

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By nevergoingtopeeagain - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

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By Nearly blind

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

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By eebie jeebies - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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By Stuckism - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By BOOMerang - United States

Today, I played with a boomerang my first time. I didn't believe that when you threw it, it comes right back to you. It flew back all right. And broke my nose. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

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By dazedandconfused - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Happy Holidays!

Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eureka

Today, I moved into my new apartment complex. I left some items including a cherished painting my best friend made for me outside the front door while I moved furniture into my bedroom. When I went back outside, someone had kicked a huge hole in the painting. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By Cindy - United States

Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML

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By BigMoney - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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By drummahboi99 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML

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By arekusa - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, my dad sat me down and angrily accused me of doing drugs, all because he's noticed I've recently become a lot more energetic and emotional than usual. The truth is, I'd been smoking weed daily for 3 years and just decided to never smoke it again 2 weeks ago. FML

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Top comments

By Remegy | 3

#58401 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

worse for her:

i finally get the nerve to call this guy that i've had a crush on for months. He answers and we start talking. i ask him what he's doing tonight... then he hangs up. FML

By john_fml | 0

#1923 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:53

Call her back! Plug your phone in!

COMMENTS

By john_fml | 0

#1923 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:53

Call her back! Plug your phone in!

By mleugim | 0

#1931 - Friday 13 February 2009 19:13

jajaj! es un chiste no?

By Crow801 | 0

#1941 - Friday 13 February 2009 20:51

Yeah man call here back and say ''I might be doing something tonight, but it depends. What are you doing?'' Then if she says nothing bam foot in the door, but if she does have someting going on. joke around about her actually going to hang out with you.

By mmeframboiz | 6

#1948 - Friday 13 February 2009 21:25

Pick up the phone you pussy and call her back!!
you fucking faggot ass bitch

By Rbuckyfuller | 0

#2067 - Saturday 14 February 2009 6:49

Borrow a friends phone. Work it out, you got this in the bag.

By OWELL09 | 0

#2083 - Saturday 14 February 2009 7:49

UH WTF....CALL HER BACK..THIS ISNT WORTH BEING ON HERE

By captcool024 | 0

#2550 - Monday 16 February 2009 6:41

oh nooooooooo.. your battery died? thats just horrible! now try to stay with me on this one.. why didn't you just call her back? you have a phone that doesn't recharge? you dont know how the use a common wall outlet? jesus dude.

By G_fml | 0

#8559 - Friday 27 February 2009 11:59

*69 come on now, call that bitch back, nonchalance is key.

By AlexC_fml | 0

#56970 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 3:58

good, now you wont embarrass yourself and can concentrate on what the strategy is THEN call back.. the next day.

By Remegy | 3

#58401 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:21

worse for her:

i finally get the nerve to call this guy that i've had a crush on for months. He answers and we start talking. i ask him what he's doing tonight... then he hangs up. FML