Work: Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt...

By CMANIA - 07/09/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 970

You deserved it 6 607

Work

See ya!

Family ties

Choking over here

By patrickalamo - 14/06/2011 14:23 - United States

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 533

You deserved it 40 541

Not cool

By ash203 - 12/12/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss's 13-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 278

You deserved it 50 114

By AnonymousCow - 20/09/2016 13:04 - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 760

You deserved it 1 863

By WasFeelingGood - 27/10/2009 13:32 - United States

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 585

You deserved it 3 536

By A. Person - 07/04/2010 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 912

You deserved it 2 775

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 357

You deserved it 325

Get it on, bang a gong

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 15:00 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, I'm dating the perfect guy. He's smart, considerate, charming, funny, good looking and we have a ton of interests in common. He also can't get it up. At all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 214

Nasty

By Anonymous - 26/10/2021 14:00

Today, I had an interview to be a waitress. Afterwards, I had food in the restaurant, which is where I overheard my interviewer tell the manager he wasn’t going to bother hiring “that girl I just interviewed” because "her face is nasty and she’ll put the customers off their food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 85

Same old story

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 02:00

Today, after 8 years and a house bought together, I realised I regret getting married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 434

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 833

You deserved it 39 467

By Anonymous - 19/05/2019 14:15

Today, I walked into work on time, went into my office, sat down and turned on the computer. After working for about 4 hours, my wife called and told me to look at the clock on my computer. I put it off until after lunch, when I realized today is Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 1 259

Nice

By mandiballz - 12/01/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year-old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He said, "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 735

You deserved it 4 437

By OhNo - 02/03/2013 13:31 - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 760

You deserved it 5 920

Dogfished

By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 07:49 - United States

Today, I took my 13 year-old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 606

You deserved it 4 318

By Nick - 16/03/2009 05:08 - Canada

Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 647

You deserved it 15 778

By enya - 18/01/2016 22:29 - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 028

You deserved it 1 429

By .__. - 16/07/2013 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 804

You deserved it 4 588

Don't leave my baby boy

By Julia - 17/03/2021 02:01

Today, after a year of unemployment due to my industry shutdown, I finally got a job offer. It involves overseas travel. After being cooped up a year, I'm thrilled! My boyfriend's mother is willing to pay my rent and bills for me to stay home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 128

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 824

You deserved it 3 003

By -__- - 27/12/2013 21:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 756

You deserved it 4 558

By Anonymous - 30/12/2008 10:41 - France

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 792

You deserved it 3 287

Work together!

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 05:01 - Germany - Norden

Today, our cats got in a serious fight about the rights to some prime mousing territory. The territory in question? Our kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 25/05/2016 17:39 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 079

You deserved it 1 873

By BadDay - 20/09/2016 05:04 - Australia - Beerwah

Today, being a little stressed, I managed to lock my keys inside my car. I was taking this fairly calmly until, while waiting for roadside assistance, I overheard another woman in the same carpark say, "No, of course I didn't lock my keys in the car! I'm not a COMPLETE idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 816

You deserved it 1 310

Hobbies and Interests

By Hireme - 08/07/2018 01:30

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite pastime, I panicked and said, "Dancing with my cat." I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 493

You deserved it 1 070

Do Not Pass Go

By Rex - 16/09/2017 16:15 - United States - Camden

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 608

You deserved it 323

By Anonymous - 09/09/2014 16:47 - United States - Miami

Today, I invited my deadbeat dad over for dinner, hoping we could resolve our issues and build a proper relationship. Just minutes after he arrived, I caught him stealing money from my purse. He actually said I owe him for raising me. He ditched my mom and me when I was 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 852

You deserved it 4 169

Honest mistake

By YahItsMe94 - 25/06/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 825

You deserved it 61 804

By mushroommouth - 01/10/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 719

You deserved it 22 664

By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I made the decision to quit smoking while I was driving in my car. So I took my pack, crushed it and threw it out the window. I felt triumphant about this change I was making in my life, until the cop I didn't know was behind me gave me a ticket for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 965

You deserved it 45 979

By 1000dollarspoor - 07/10/2009 09:25 - United States

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 10 054

By Thanks Fred - 18/05/2019 00:05

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 292

By Anonymous - 07/06/2013 19:32 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 600

You deserved it 5 513

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 21:31 - Ireland

Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 164

You deserved it 4 672

By kprince - 08/05/2013 14:00 - United States - Northridge

Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 389

You deserved it 11 214

By hairyarms - 10/10/2010 12:47 - Australia

Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 260

You deserved it 5 664

Cheap-ass perv!

By Allison Arsenault - 07/06/2020 08:08

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years thinks that it is too expensive to get married, go on vacations, concerts, etc., but spends $100+/month on Hentai. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 431

By Anonymous - 17/04/2018 01:30

Today, my husband and I were getting busy on the living room couch when my mother-in-law stopped by and let herself in with a key we didn’t know she had. She then demanded an apology like it was all our fault and stormed out. I still don’t know why she came by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 784

You deserved it 370

What did I do?

By Anonymous - 22/06/2020 08:09

Today, 48 hours after my boyfriend introduced me to his friend group so I could make new friends and I'd joined their group chat, two long-term couples have broken up and left without any explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 130

By Pain_intolerant - 11/03/2011 14:11 - Canada

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 404

You deserved it 4 994

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Top comments

Intoxicunt 5

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:26

That wasn't disbelief, it was amazement and arousal. (You mean "ink" not "pen".)

allmidnighteyes 10

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:29

He only wishes he could've "accidentally" gotten "ink" on your nipple ;D

Intoxicunt 5

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:26

That wasn't disbelief, it was amazement and arousal. (You mean "ink" not "pen".)

GR3453m0nk3y 4

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 14:26

i'm assuming the OP changed "pen" to "ink" ??????

BlaisOf_Fire91 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 18:29

That's what I thought too...

Watchmaker 2

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Thursday 10 September 2009 6:52

Ahah! I'm not alone!

Intoxicunt 5

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 19:27

Yeah. I think one of the staff members did, actually.

DameGreyWulf 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:08

Intoxi, I know it would be for me! Oh, baby~ lmfao OP, that's just great

icall_BS 0

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Tuesday 16 February 2010 7:40

If your VP is a girl, keep rubbing and stare her in the eye. You never knoooww..

bubbly31 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:26

obama posted this

The_9th_Doctor 18

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Thursday 12 September 2013 0:00

it says ink.

allmidnighteyes 10

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:29

He only wishes he could've "accidentally" gotten "ink" on your nipple ;D

StudBoiAyeEm 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:00

lmao!

RaverYusuke 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:39

I swear, boss, my pen(is) got ink all over me.

folfg0 12

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Saturday 2 June 2012 21:52

Retard! You don't get it, op is a GUY! Fail.

teentee401 36

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Sunday 22 March 2015 5:53

Homosexuality exists, dumbass

cutiepiex3 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:30

ouch >.>

ImThePope 2

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Sunday 1 May 2011 19:47

Your boobs are showing.

Immapauls 0

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Sunday 18 September 2011 5:50

Hey email me [email protected]

kerrygirl 13

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:31

and its at that point you should have laughed it off and joked about it......not just sit there and let it become a FML

xMooMoox 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 15:25

Lmao you're awesome!

shamille 5

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 16:42

he'd be too busy picking his nose.

danielw 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 22:43

LMAO!!!! that i favorited the fml you reffered to. It's my favorite.

evilgingy 1

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Friday 10 June 2011 18:29

I'm sorry! I accidentally hit the dislike button, cause I'm doing this on my phone.... I meant like!!!!

katherinebby17 28

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:38

lol im sorry but thats funny

leili 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:42

LOL!!!! This is the best fml ever!!!!

ireply_w_lyrics 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 9:42

"...I ran on whiskey and burned like gas, I went too far, I went too fast I’d light a fire, just to walk right through it Busted bones, dreams and tears, tattoo my heart like souvenirs life is just a word till you go through it, I’ve got the scars to prove it I lost good friends over foolish pride, drank with the devil just to feel alive I’d build a mountain, then I'd try to move it yeah and I thought that I was pretty tough, till I was brought down by a woman’s touch I got the scars to prove it..." And to add to this list today, i saw another man rub his nipple at me. This shall achieve it's own verse....