Animals: Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

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Animals

Commando

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Phoenix0614 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I said yes. This caused him to panic, excuse himself, then take it back via text message a half hour later, claiming he'd been drunk. We live together. When he comes back home, it's going to be very awkward indeed. FML

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By hatty - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By Anonim23

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

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By Jac - United States

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

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By Andy - United States

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

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By Awesome - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

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By - United States

Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML

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By >_< - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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By NoNotCats =^._.^= - United States - Mesa

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

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By fire - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Wedding dress

Today, I walked down the aisle when a bug flew into my mouth. In a response, I threw up on my beautiful white wedding dress. I had to party and be in the pictures in someones spare pink dress for the rest of the day. FML

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By Username - Korea Republic of

Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML

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By firestar772 - United States - Santa Barbara

It's probably considered art

Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they are made of a fish byproduct. Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there are countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By BrilsmurfO_O - Netherlands

Today, I was at IKEA with my parents. I walked away from them and later I heard the speaker of the store call my name asking me to come to the playground because my mom and dad were worried. I'm 18. FML

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By hopefulanonymous - United States

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

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By lyla - United States

Today, I was on the train ride home from a trip to Florida, and I gave my mom a call. While we talked, I made an offhand comment that all my friends back home must miss me. She knowingly asked if I meant my Sims and my cat. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML

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By ewww - United States

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

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By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

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By Angrily Paranoid - United States - Seattle

Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML

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By tortured - United States

Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 08:01

Run, run away pronto

Today, my fiancé yelled at me after I got off the phone with my friends, because I said I hadn't felt this happy and hadn't laughed this much in a long time. He was also mad that I didn't cook him dinner. He didn't ask me to cook dinner for him. He then told me to go somewhere else if I'm not happy with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone broke my car's left side mirror. A friend of mine was buying a replacement one and texted me to confirm which one I needed. He asked: "It's the driver's side, right?" To which I replied: "Right". I got the wrong mirror. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By burnbabyburn - United Kingdom

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

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By BadLuckCarson - United States - Muscatine

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

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By offuckingcourse - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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By coloradoman - United States

Today, while flying on American Airlines back from visiting family, a new born puked its breakfast all over my HP mini, knocked my orange juice ino my lap, and than coughed up another layer on top of it all. I couldn't change my pants because of we were about to experience turbulance. FML

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By socialdisease - United States

Today, my house got egged. Why? As a joke, my friend bought me a doormat that says, "A Canadian Lives Here." I'm Canadian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because "Wifi's all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

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Top comments

By melonxxda | 0

#3559530 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:08

nobody give's a rat's ass anymore (:

By NomOnShroomz | 14

#3559577 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:18

"Today, I was walking through the sewer pipes minding my own business when I ended up in a toilet and some dumb bitch took a shit on me. FML"

COMMENTS

By iBiteRoses | 22

#3559527 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:07

Wow, that is totally disgusting! I like rats, but not IN THE TOILET lol
{I'm a Class A moron}

stephanieeDawnx | 0

#3559536 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:08

& I like people.
But not when they're annoying.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3559552 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:12

Sounds like ninja rats.

metallicshadow | 16

#3559570 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:15

at least you didn't pee your pants, right?

ikickgingers | 15

#3559606 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:26

I don't think you really got into the A class...

ric4rolz | 0

#3559652 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:36

Just flush the rats back down while their coming up.

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3559704 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:01

Teenage mutant ninja rats!!!

youcunthole | 0

#3559722 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:06

Well show That rat that u do give a shit if you know what I mean...

xoconnie | 8

#3559833 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:49

did they bite???? OUCH!!!

Keyman1212 | 14

#3560966 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 1:31

Better than finding out when you're shitting. Cause if they can get through some sewer pipes, they can get into your anus...

hellphone_fml | 37

#3561030 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 1:47

FarSide | 22

#3561569 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 5:00

So were you dickless before you sat down?

XmyviolentheartX | 13

#3562341 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 11:09

# 44 Splinter!

bribubbles | 10

#3565695 - Thursday 10 November 2011 1:42

Eww 69 that's disgusting.

By melonxxda | 0

#3559530 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:08

nobody give's a rat's ass anymore (:

sunsetsbetween56 | 3

#3559619 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:28

Wow three bad comments in a row... :/

Stonedmanalex | 0

#3559650 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:36

I don't know he has more thumbs up then you.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3559695 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:57

32- *whispers* What is 23 talking about?

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3559745 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:11

Well he must have been pissed...

I'm sorry but it had to be said.