Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run...

By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

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Animals

Season finale

Thanks, I'm cured!

They're everywhere

By Anonymous - 26/4/2013 18:01 - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 16:00

Nature calls

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

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By emeraldapostle - 25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

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By birthday blues - 8/11/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2017 05:00

Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML

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By Noname - 13/2/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 14:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

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By crazy_bitch122 - 29/6/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, while making love, he farted. And blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

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By forever young - 5/7/2013 15:16 - United States

Today, I Googled "How to act like an adult." I'm 37. FML

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By 42 - 7/7/2010 09:43 - Canada

Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML

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By Braced - 21/2/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

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By Anon - 26/5/2009 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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By anonymous - 7/4/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

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By Banana_Lord - 3/3/2015 10:41 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

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By supersmashpika - 18/7/2015 06:01 - United States - Hershey

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

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By wowimscrewed - 14/4/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML

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By LilaTheGreat - 5/5/2013 23:51 - United States - Boyd

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

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By laywer_man - 7/3/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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By meyo555 - 2/6/2011 09:45 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

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By fleetingmemories - 29/11/2013 23:55 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

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By Mr. X - 23/2/2016 17:46 - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By raven_of_azarath - 29/7/2019 02:00

Today, I found a spider in my car the size of my hand. Help. FML

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By dontevenassk - 12/6/2009 04:44 - Canada

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

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By lululee53 - 31/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 17:58 - United States - Elmont

Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML

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By Niles - 20/3/2012 17:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was taking a shower, when my dad decided to turn off the water to the house, run upstairs, and throw a bucket of freezing cold sludge into the shower with me. He wouldn't turn the water back on for 2 hours. FML

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By thanks, my fellow americans - 18/4/2013 21:41 - United States - Woodlyn

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

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By shootme - 13/11/2011 22:46 - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By BadKitty - 11/9/2016 13:37 - Australia - Invermay

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

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By loser weeper - 26/11/2018 21:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

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By raz - 2/10/2012 00:11 - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

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By Marika - 20/7/2015 17:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

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By Brinty - 16/9/2009 02:43 - Australia

Today, I was napping with my boyfriend and his dog. The dog was making odd coughing noises, but my boyfriend refused to kick him out of the bed. A few moments later, I rolled onto my stomach, into a pile of dog vomit. FML

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By kids shouldnt have hard sports equipment - 18/1/2016 01:48 - Australia - Woodville

Today, I was knocked unconscious by the 10 year-old I was babysitting because it was his younger sister's bedtime and he didn't want her to go. When I came to, their mother was screaming at me for sleeping on the job. In the middle of the kitchen floor. I lost a job and gained a killer headache. FML

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By Oopsie - 27/5/2019 20:17

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

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By foxytheologian - 15/4/2017 02:00

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

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By needanewphone - 22/1/2012 22:03 - United States

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn't hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

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By toonice - 17/7/2014 20:48 - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2013 18:03 - United States

Today, my school's theatre decided to produce Les Misérables. I got the part of Éponine. My boyfriend, being a talented performer, could have gotten any part he wanted. However, he only wanted to play the soldier responsible for killing Éponine. FML

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Top comments

By melonxxda | 0

#3559530 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:08

nobody give's a rat's ass anymore (:

By NomOnShroomz | 14

#3559577 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:18

"Today, I was walking through the sewer pipes minding my own business when I ended up in a toilet and some dumb bitch took a shit on me. FML"

COMMENTS

By iBiteRoses | 22

#3559527 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:07

Wow, that is totally disgusting! I like rats, but not IN THE TOILET lol
{I'm a Class A moron}

stephanieeDawnx | 0

#3559536 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:08

& I like people.
But not when they're annoying.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3559552 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:12

Sounds like ninja rats.

metallicshadow | 16

#3559570 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:15

at least you didn't pee your pants, right?

ikickgingers | 15

#3559606 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:26

I don't think you really got into the A class...

ric4rolz | 0

#3559652 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:36

Just flush the rats back down while their coming up.

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3559704 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:01

Teenage mutant ninja rats!!!

youcunthole | 0

#3559722 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:06

Well show That rat that u do give a shit if you know what I mean...

xoconnie | 8

#3559833 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:49

did they bite???? OUCH!!!

Keyman1212 | 14

#3560966 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 1:31

Better than finding out when you're shitting. Cause if they can get through some sewer pipes, they can get into your anus...

hellphone_fml | 37

#3561030 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 1:47

FarSide | 22

#3561569 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 5:00

So were you dickless before you sat down?

XmyviolentheartX | 13

#3562341 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 11:09

# 44 Splinter!

bribubbles | 10

#3565695 - Thursday 10 November 2011 1:42

Eww 69 that's disgusting.

By melonxxda | 0

#3559530 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:08

nobody give's a rat's ass anymore (:

sunsetsbetween56 | 3

#3559619 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:28

Wow three bad comments in a row... :/

Stonedmanalex | 0

#3559650 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:36

I don't know he has more thumbs up then you.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3559695 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 22:57

32- *whispers* What is 23 talking about?

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3559745 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 23:11

Well he must have been pissed...

I'm sorry but it had to be said.