Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went... - FML

By minty - 14/3/2015 03:52 - United States

Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went to get some medicine. While picking out cough drops, an old man leaned over and said, "You smell quite delicious today". I haven't showered and the only "perfume" I'm wearing is VapoRub. FML

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Instadrama

Social distancing gone wrong

Breaking Badly

By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By Vampire Teabag - 12/2/2015 16:25 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again in a trivia game. She said that I was cheating, and if I was cheating on the game, I was definitely cheating on her as well. FML

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By loser - 20/5/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up to find my 6-year-old daughter had duct taped me to my bed and dropped my wallet down the toilet. Well played. FML

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By Jackedup - 18/5/2011 07:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

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By issue - 7/9/2018 01:30

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By 800z - 16/8/2011 06:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

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By callmeclarence - 23/6/2014 05:41 - United States - Valencia

Today, I took my clothes off for a shower at an RV campsite. I started running the water when I noticed there was a pack of hornets in the bathroom. I stood there, stark naked, waiting for a chance to get out, for four hours. FML

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By feiedbutter - 7/12/2013 14:55 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

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By failure - 15/10/2014 01:06 - United States - Loomis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 00:02 - Greece - Thessaloniki

On the beat

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2018 12:00

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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By me - 27/10/2010 12:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend elbowed me in the eye while we were sleeping. His excuse: "You shouldn't have stayed over." FML

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By CB - 19/11/2009 01:30 - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

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By - 22/1/2017 16:00

Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML

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By Mel - 5/10/2015 04:21 - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

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By bob - 11/8/2011 12:56 - United States

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

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By PandaMantis - 25/6/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By im_radd - 21/1/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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By Sylvania - 10/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By Stinky - 20/11/2011 10:23 - United States

Today, at 2am, I heard a strange sound coming from the hallway. I walked over, only to discover my drunk boyfriend pissing in the closet. On my favorite shoes. FML

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By willtype4food - 10/9/2012 00:45 - Finland

Today, uncertain of having a job next month or being able to pay rent, I'm filling out tens of online surveys a day for gift cards to McDonald's, to buy hamburgers that I can freeze so I will have food for the coming months. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2014 17:52 - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

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By bamrd - 1/7/2016 01:20 - United States - Boulder

Today, my university is capable of sending me two diplomas in short succession due to a clerical error, but can't recognize that I've graduated and won't be taking classes with them in the fall. FML

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By atleastwedidntdie - 2/9/2017 23:15

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

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By ballnchain - 30/3/2010 16:04 - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

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By stupiddddddd - 8/7/2009 07:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 05:29 - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By notasgood - 12/1/2010 23:54 - United States

All in the family

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2015 16:10 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up in my living room after having a party. I then realized my fish tank with many different species was missing from its usual spot. After searching for a few minutes, I finally found it in the freezer. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 02:11 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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By yupimher - 12/10/2019 22:00

The long goodbye

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

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By datgirl92 - 24/5/2013 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of 4 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2012 04:51 - United States - Hernando

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

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By "Auburn_flame" - 27/3/2019 00:00

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2014 01:07 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

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By - 16/11/2019 18:00

My anal beads

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6232059 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Vapor rub smells amazing. At least when you can't breath .

By cutycat136 | 28

#6232089 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:26

At least you didn't smell bad without a shower. Still creepy though. Hope you feel better OP.

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6232059 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Vapor rub smells amazing. At least when you can't breath .

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6232060 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Old people are weird, and they can't smell much anyways.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6232444 - Sunday 15 March 2015 3:48

You don't really start to lose your sense of smell as you get older, well not all people do.

By bleedingglitter | 24

#6232061 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

The smell of vapo is one of the only things his dying senses can pick up still.

Reply

fastnachter | 15

#6232260 - Saturday 14 March 2015 22:46

I thought this was funny...

Reply

thejonac | 21

#6232442 - Sunday 15 March 2015 3:46

you're gg to be old one day too. don't be rude

By jentrynicole | 20

#6232066 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:17

Even if you had showered, it would still be creepy.

By SnailExpo | 5

#6232069 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:18

That's not really an fml at all, since VapoRub is a smell sensitive to the elder
besides what's the downside? better than smelling like bo

By KuronoEru | 26

#6232070 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:18

At least you smelled good?

By thatsawkward7 | 18

#6232075 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Might be time to find a new shop or tell the manager

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#6232248 - Saturday 14 March 2015 22:23

"Dis customer said I smell gud once plz help me Mr manager"

By WCARlover | 34

#6232076 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Vicks: the cologne of the elderly

Reply

Daelynn_17 | 19

#6232624 - Sunday 15 March 2015 7:44

haha, I was totally thinking the same thing.

By feven | 32

#6232077 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Today I realized my body odor smells good. FML

Please.

By Dalboz | 26

#6232081 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:21

the word 'today' make it look like he's sniffing her everyday. creepy

Reply

khaoticpanda | 28

#6232122 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:44

Haha thats what i was thinking. Like what other days has this old man sniffed her?

Reply

Dotty8710 | 10

#6232293 - Saturday 14 March 2015 23:52

Every FML story starts with the word Today

Reply

LunaRebirth | 7

#6232388 - Sunday 15 March 2015 1:48

Sorry, ignore this.
Replied something, but quickly realized my mistake so editing it out.