Health: Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went... - FML

By minty - United States

Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went to get some medicine. While picking out cough drops, an old man leaned over and said, "You smell quite delicious today". I haven't showered and the only "perfume" I'm wearing is VapoRub. FML

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Out of it

Alexa, play "Burning down the house" by Talking Heads

Every little helps

By Hairless freak - United States - Fallbrook

Today, after weeks of dealing with a bad hair cut, my hair finally grew back to my preferred length. Today is also the day my roommate replaced my shampoo with hair remover as a prank. FML

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By pain in my gums - Canada - St. John's

Today, I went to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth removed. The surgeon took a better X-ray to see what he was dealing with before he got started. When he came back into the room, he started to laugh and told me it was my lucky day because in the X-rays he found 2 big extra wisdom teeth. FML

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By NeedTea - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By thankzbabe - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

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Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

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By Ohwhy - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML

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By sore - Australia

Today, I sliced my arm open on the weekend, patched it with a fabric bandaid. Had an allergic reaction to the bandaid, arm now swollen, blistering and keeping-me-awake itchy. Pharmacist's advice? "Oooh, that looks bad. Better put a bandaid on that." FML

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By Silent - United Kingdom

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML

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By gottaflossmoreoften - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

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By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

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By Fridaythe12th - United States

Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By Matt - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was telling my coworker that I was considering quitting the shady, 50-shades-of-scum business we work at. He snitched to our boss, who quickly fired me on bullshit charges of incompetence, theft, and workplace bullying. I guess I'm not getting a good reference from him. FML

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By Mikey - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

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By surfernerd6987 - United States

Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

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By make america date again - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, I was in a good mood for once and my professor looks at me and says, "I don't know what you ate for breakfast but you're really annoying today." FML

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By Bratty son - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young son and I were in line at Subway. I guess he got bored and started to insult the teenage girl behind us. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually the girl punched him in the face and left. As my son cried uncontrollably, everyone else there clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, I joined a local interest website, hoping to make some friends in my area. I don't think I've ever met so many guys before who introduce themselves with pictures of their cocks. FML

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By Tomato

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By smoochie

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

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By Kayladuh - 9/2/2021 21:30

The bitch is back

Today, I overheard a co-worker tell the new guy not to talk to me because I'm a bitch. Apparently, she didn't like it when I told her two weeks ago that she had a drinking problem, which was affecting her work ethic. FML

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By blabla - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

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By L

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

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By Deaf - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sent to the principal's office because I refused to take my earbuds out. Those "earbuds" are my hearing aids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By you would - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

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By paradox - United States

Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By whoevenncares - United States

Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - Canada - Victoria

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

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By Noname - New Zealand

Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML

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By FueledByFate - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found out that I had bronchitis that then progressed to pneumonia. My girlfriend is hearing impaired, and when I can finally get words to come out when I speak, she can't understand them. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6232059 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Vapor rub smells amazing. At least when you can't breath .

By cutycat136 | 28

#6232089 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:26

At least you didn't smell bad without a shower. Still creepy though. Hope you feel better OP.

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6232059 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Vapor rub smells amazing. At least when you can't breath .

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6232060 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Old people are weird, and they can't smell much anyways.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6232444 - Sunday 15 March 2015 3:48

You don't really start to lose your sense of smell as you get older, well not all people do.

By bleedingglitter | 24

#6232061 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

The smell of vapo is one of the only things his dying senses can pick up still.

Reply

fastnachter | 15

#6232260 - Saturday 14 March 2015 22:46

I thought this was funny...

Reply

thejonac | 21

#6232442 - Sunday 15 March 2015 3:46

you're gg to be old one day too. don't be rude

By jentrynicole | 20

#6232066 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:17

Even if you had showered, it would still be creepy.

By SnailExpo | 5

#6232069 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:18

That's not really an fml at all, since VapoRub is a smell sensitive to the elder
besides what's the downside? better than smelling like bo

By KuronoEru | 26

#6232070 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:18

At least you smelled good?

By thatsawkward7 | 18

#6232075 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Might be time to find a new shop or tell the manager

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#6232248 - Saturday 14 March 2015 22:23

"Dis customer said I smell gud once plz help me Mr manager"

By WCARlover | 34

#6232076 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Vicks: the cologne of the elderly

Reply

Daelynn_17 | 19

#6232624 - Sunday 15 March 2015 7:44

haha, I was totally thinking the same thing.

By feven | 32

#6232077 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Today I realized my body odor smells good. FML

Please.

By Dalboz | 26

#6232081 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:21

the word 'today' make it look like he's sniffing her everyday. creepy

Reply

khaoticpanda | 28

#6232122 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:44

Haha thats what i was thinking. Like what other days has this old man sniffed her?

Reply

Dotty8710 | 10

#6232293 - Saturday 14 March 2015 23:52

Every FML story starts with the word Today

Reply

LunaRebirth | 7

#6232388 - Sunday 15 March 2015 1:48

Sorry, ignore this.
Replied something, but quickly realized my mistake so editing it out.