Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went... - FML

By minty - 14/3/2015 03:52 - United States

Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went to get some medicine. While picking out cough drops, an old man leaned over and said, "You smell quite delicious today". I haven't showered and the only "perfume" I'm wearing is VapoRub. FML

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Body issues

The best cat

Creepy

By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, my coworker sent an email to the whole company asking us to fill in a survey. I've been secretly seeing her for two months, so I responded with "sure thing baby, and by the way I ran out of condoms, can you bring more for tonight?" I accidentally hit reply all. FML

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By Ayeya - 4/6/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

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By windthroughmyflab - 13/5/2015 23:19 - United States

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2013 21:29 - United States - Beloit

Today, I went for a checkup after having recently been fitted with dental implants. The oral surgeon I chose was supposedly the best in the area, but it turns out that he inserted the implants at the wrong angle. Now I have to have further surgery to correct it. FML

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By jayc80 - 20/5/2011 17:59 - Bermuda

Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML

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By LizzyJones - 20/8/2013 17:38 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

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By nitroman64 - 30/7/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML

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By Honest mistake - 18/4/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

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By ledentist - 12/9/2012 02:24 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By anon - 27/7/2011 00:01 - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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By Pickle - 3/3/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, my friend and I taught a very involved healthy nutrition program to underprivileged youths at a local center. We even made them a healthy snack at the end of the program. Within minutes of the program being over, we catch some of our fellow volunteers feeding the kids Oreos. FML

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By boohoo - 4/6/2012 12:45 - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

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By anon - 7/2/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML

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By zed - 9/9/2012 17:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

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By DQB - 24/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML

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By Toast514 - 29/7/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 16:32 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

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By jessel_ladd92 - 9/9/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML

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By mikay1413 - 8/10/2019 20:00

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By pedestrian - 26/1/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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By carr - 4/3/2011 16:25 - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 22:25 - Luxembourg

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

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By mikki_arlert - 8/10/2016 05:24 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother threatened my psychiatrist with legal action because he told her the organic and herbal "medicine" she swears by don't actually "cure" mental illness like she claims. FML

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By dickwebs - 22/11/2010 03:42 - Germany

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

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By happy bday - 17/9/2010 04:02 - Canada

Today, is my 21st birthday. My friends took me to a bar to celebrate, knowing I don't drink. I am now in charge of driving my friends home after they had an awesome night. FML

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By Me - 20/12/2016 01:40 - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

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By DarkPain - 22/1/2009 12:45 - United States

Today, I work for a boss who does everything he can to singlehandedly ruin our company and drive us into the ground. I just got an e-mail from him saying I need to be a more positive and energetic role-model for our team. Pot… meet Kettle. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 06:11

Today, I woke up late for work. I rushed everything, ate a quick meal and was thirsty as hell. I saw a 2-liter Coca Cola bottle, so I poured a huge glass filled with ice and ran out the door. While driving, I took a huge gulp of nice, cold thick cooking oil. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2012 16:39 - United States - Dallas

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said "I was thinking McDonald's". FML

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By AidenFromSweden - 6/7/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

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By tj85 - 17/2/2010 19:49 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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By dancer101 - 4/2/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML

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By unfortunate419 - 17/2/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 21:25 - Canada

Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML

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By frustrated - 17/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

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By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

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By Ted, E. Vic - 1/5/2016 05:39 - United States

Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6232059 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Vapor rub smells amazing. At least when you can't breath .

By cutycat136 | 28

#6232089 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:26

At least you didn't smell bad without a shower. Still creepy though. Hope you feel better OP.

Comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6232059 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Vapor rub smells amazing. At least when you can't breath .

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6232060 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

Old people are weird, and they can't smell much anyways.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6232444 - Sunday 15 March 2015 3:48

You don't really start to lose your sense of smell as you get older, well not all people do.

By bleedingglitter | 24

#6232061 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:15

The smell of vapo is one of the only things his dying senses can pick up still.

Reply

fastnachter | 15

#6232260 - Saturday 14 March 2015 22:46

I thought this was funny...

Reply

thejonac | 21

#6232442 - Sunday 15 March 2015 3:46

you're gg to be old one day too. don't be rude

By jentrynicole | 20

#6232066 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:17

Even if you had showered, it would still be creepy.

By SnailExpo | 5

#6232069 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:18

That's not really an fml at all, since VapoRub is a smell sensitive to the elder
besides what's the downside? better than smelling like bo

By KuronoEru | 26

#6232070 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:18

At least you smelled good?

By thatsawkward7 | 18

#6232075 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Might be time to find a new shop or tell the manager

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#6232248 - Saturday 14 March 2015 22:23

"Dis customer said I smell gud once plz help me Mr manager"

By WCARlover | 34

#6232076 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Vicks: the cologne of the elderly

Reply

Daelynn_17 | 19

#6232624 - Sunday 15 March 2015 7:44

haha, I was totally thinking the same thing.

By feven | 32

#6232077 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:20

Today I realized my body odor smells good. FML

Please.

By Dalboz | 26

#6232081 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:21

the word 'today' make it look like he's sniffing her everyday. creepy

Reply

khaoticpanda | 28

#6232122 - Saturday 14 March 2015 19:44

Haha thats what i was thinking. Like what other days has this old man sniffed her?

Reply

Dotty8710 | 10

#6232293 - Saturday 14 March 2015 23:52

Every FML story starts with the word Today

Reply

LunaRebirth | 7

#6232388 - Sunday 15 March 2015 1:48

Sorry, ignore this.
Replied something, but quickly realized my mistake so editing it out.