Love: Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found...

By mrtoolate - 19/06/2016 08:58 - India - Pune

Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 829

You deserved it 1 710

Love

Dementia or hate? You decide

Batman

Good news

By xoragebaby - 24/01/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 620

You deserved it 5 007

Pencils down

By Idiot - 16/12/2020 19:58

Today, I took an exam, for which I have been studying for weeks, I was confident at first, but then really struggled with it. I finished with about ten minutes to spare, turned to what I thought would be the end of my paper and found the first page of questions I was supposed to have answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 298

By Anonymous - 23/05/2019 02:00

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846

You deserved it 803

By mystery - 07/12/2013 21:55 - United States - Minot

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 489

You deserved it 5 871

By hfs palm - 21/06/2015 21:37 - United States

Today, my husband let my 8-year-old twins play with handcuffs. I thought my husband was pretending he had lost the key but after 4 hours, he walked in with his head down and said, "I've made a terrible mistake honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 548

You deserved it 2 516

By Silverfeathery - 14/11/2016 11:19 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 563

You deserved it 2 762

By Arachnaphobe - 03/06/2016 22:14 - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 454

You deserved it 1 052

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 712

You deserved it 13 147

Conspiracies claim another victim

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 164

By I Don't Exorcise - 10/05/2012 03:34 - United States - Shawnee

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 981

You deserved it 3 016

New movie

By msamberjade - 30/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 447

You deserved it 234

Such a weird move either way

By 1337fade - 07/04/2011 05:19 - Denmark

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 155

You deserved it 9 706

It's a conspiracy!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 940

You deserved it 2 493

By SebastianCT - 19/08/2015 17:44 - United States - Tampa

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 056

You deserved it 2 081

By Anonymous - 31/05/2011 11:21

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 720

You deserved it 69 680

By marriagesux - 29/12/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 652

You deserved it 4 643

By Anonymous - 27/05/2012 07:42 - United States - Fresno

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 729

You deserved it 3 011

By heartless - 15/05/2009 06:14 - Canada

Today, I realised that my glade plug-in air freshner lasts longer than any of my relationships have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 058

You deserved it 10 335

By why me - 24/10/2017 01:30

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 241

You deserved it 274

They're back, baby!

By Anonymous - 10/10/2021 14:01

Today, I went to go get a haircut. I asked for layers and bangs. She gave me a mullet. My job requires me to be in court on a regular basis and to look professional. I didn't realize mullets were professional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 89

By Anonymous - 15/03/2013 04:01 - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 232

You deserved it 9 650

By Katrina - 13/02/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 444

You deserved it 9 512

By Anonymous - 28/09/2010 20:42 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 487

You deserved it 3 211

By Anonymous - 08/03/2017 09:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the new security guard of my apartment building tackled me for "suspicious behavior" while I was taking a bag full of dirty kitty litter to the trash chute. He broke my arm and cause the trash bag to explode. When I got back from the hospital, I was fined for littering in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 678

You deserved it 286

By skygardens - 21/08/2018 15:00

Today, I had just gotten home after being away for 8 months. My key didn’t work on my lock and while I was messing the door a man with a child opened. My landlord gave someone my apartment while I was away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 414

You deserved it 212

By anon - 25/09/2015 04:43 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 452

You deserved it 2 887

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 697

You deserved it 3 136

By dharp7 - 16/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words used were "I like the idea of you, but I don't like you." I still don't know what that means. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 020

You deserved it 3 743

Psycho

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 20:01

Today, I'd never quite realised how nasty my girlfriend was until she hit a kid on a zebra crossing and was more upset that her bumper was dented than the fact an 8 year-old had a broken leg. She was still blaming the kid and demanding his parents pay the damage as he was being put in the ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 365

You deserved it 167

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 06:34 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because I'd already missed 3 days this week. I was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers. Then, when their food was done, I tripped and spilled hot chili all over the man's lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 954

You deserved it 11 919

TMI

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 21:59 - United States - Crystal City

Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 84

By fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz - 05/09/2013 16:39 - Sweden - Solna

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 390

You deserved it 5 021

Life imitates art

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 02:04

Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 684

You deserved it 400

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 07:14 - United States

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 592

You deserved it 9 268

By bakerysux - 23/12/2014 01:21 - United States - San Antonio

Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 433

You deserved it 2 205

By screwed.over - 10/10/2009 23:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. We have already done it. I don't think he meant to send that text to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 069

You deserved it 2 767

By Anonymous - 02/11/2014 06:30 - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 124

You deserved it 3 311

Truth

By why - 04/11/2015 01:13 - United States

Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 773

You deserved it 2 169

Unrequited lover

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 11:31

Today, I had to give advice to my best friend and love of my life. What kind of advice? What to wear while on a date with some guy. We're roommates, and she wouldn't stop telling me about everything when she got home. This happens on a regular basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 878

By TabbyCat87 - 13/01/2016 00:16 - United States - Lamar

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 539

You deserved it 1 450

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Top comments

Stachelschaf 15

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:32

doesn't sound that intelligent to me

Tripartita 44

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:37

I'm sorry you missed out on a date with a nice… erm, pretty girl, OP.

Stachelschaf 15

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:32

doesn't sound that intelligent to me

waleedma 18

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:34

Well you are better this way.... You dint want stars to control your life!!

Tripartita 44

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:37

I'm sorry you missed out on a date with a nice… erm, pretty girl, OP.

OlRed 28

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:59

I'm not for or against this practice but I believe op is talking about.. marriage and not just a date. But yeah, lucky Dodge there op.

vikky538 28

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Monday 20 June 2016 1:41

This is typical indian family marriage deal

Pizzacrust96 3

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:39

Obviously not that intelligent if she believes in that crap and didn't bother giving you a chance. Dodged a bullet there op

withered 30

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Monday 20 June 2016 8:15

Like you would like it if you were being forced into marriage. She was probably really desperate to escape it.

tj4234 35

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Monday 20 June 2016 11:06

It's a cultural thing mist likely. Indians are very superstitious.

ThatOneChick856 36

Monday 20 June 2016 18:10

Let me just point out that an arranged marriage is not the same thing as forced marriage. A forced marriage does consist of the parents forcing their child to become legally bonded in a marriage without their consent (AKA in the form of child brides and such). An arranged marriage is one the child agrees to, and the process includes usually parents deciding whether or not their children would be good matches for each other and then setting them up together to get married. I don't know much about the actual process of either of these things, but this what I know so far and I know they're different. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

em_iweird 26

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Tuesday 21 June 2016 6:33

A lot of arranged marriages consist of reading into each other's horoscopes.

withered 30

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Tuesday 21 June 2016 8:17

Not much difference imo. I would guess that the social pressure to listen to their parents when it comes to marriage is so huge they eventually give in. I do not agree even with arranged marriages. People should be able to choose whichever partner they want. At least this woman was able to reject someone she does not like.

LARC_UoGuelph 8

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:41

She is pretty stupid.

MrEpicSqueaky101 18

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:44

Dodged a bullet there. I dated someone who believed all of it and it was annoying because it allowed her to assume things because of the "readings" saying so.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Monday 20 June 2016 0:49

Well, people that believe in stuporstition tend to really be intelligent.

punmessiah 28

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Monday 20 June 2016 1:50

I don't even know where to start with your comment

mezochan 29

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Monday 20 June 2016 1:57

I'm still trying to figure out if you were trying to make a pun out of "stupid" and "superstition", or if you really don't know how "superstition" is spelled.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Monday 20 June 2016 4:58

Eh, if I'm university educated and can't spell "superstition", maybe it points out flaws in our education system. It was an attempt at a pun, it obviously failed, no need to ponder. Just let it get buried deeper and move on.