Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom...

By Anonymous - 16/3/2016 01:19 - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

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Work

Out of it

Mind your own beeswax

Reliable

By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

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By ... - 29/12/2011 15:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

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By badwolf - 4/9/2012 20:34 - United States

Today, I bought some bitter-apple spray to stop my puppy chewing on everything. Later, I found out how effective it was, when I tried to eat a sandwich, and gagged at the horrifying taste on my hands. My dog seems unaffected, and continues to chew the table legs. FML

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By ditsy - 15/7/2010 09:17 - United States

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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By Anon - 11/12/2014 18:13 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses a period tracker app to find out when we can fuck. FML

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By samba_spaz - 19/9/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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By ShiriSarah - 20/8/2009 14:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

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By PuddlePirate - 7/9/2012 16:23 - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

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By tryingtoberomantic - 28/9/2019 14:00 - Australia

Too much of a good thing

Today, I took my boyfriend out to dinner to an expensive restaurant. He overate, and now I have to nurse him through food poisoning. FML

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By bryans_fresh - 12/6/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I wanted to use my gift card for a liquor store. I went to pay the cashier, who said he needed to see my license. I gave it to him as well as my gift card. After paying, he asked me if I wanted him to cut it up, since the card was now worth $0. I said yes. He cut the wrong card. FML

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By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 09:28 - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my mom before an important job interview. She commented than my lips looked dry and crackly and gave me her chapstick with aloe to put on. Apparently I'm allergic to aloe and my lips got so swollen I could hardly talk. It was too late to reschedule the interview. FML

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By notagyno - 29/3/2013 14:19 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 02:07 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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By t.hughes - 1/4/2013 14:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

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By Stingraybeemonster - 7/4/2016 08:51 - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 18:32 - Norway

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

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By Anna - 2/7/2016 21:08 - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 12:07 - Sweden

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

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By POP101 - 5/2/2010 21:27 - Canada

Today, there was this girl in heels running in front of me at school, and she slipped on ice. Trying to be a hero, I dropped my backpack and ran up to help her, but ended up slipping and landing on her leg. As I walked back to my backpack, I found out I dropped my laptop and broke it. FML

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By totallyscrewedomg - 25/1/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

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By bonnmo - 11/11/2018 11:30 - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2016 16:19 - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By anonymous - 23/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By seriousdubsteplover - 30/10/2009 05:08 - Australia

Today, when going to fill up the kettle, I noticed a bad smell and pieces of something coming out of the tap. Turns out there was a dead snake in my water supply. FML

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By ineedalifekay - 24/5/2009 06:43 - Canada

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

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By brokeasscollegelife - 20/11/2015 21:25 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

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By no good deed... etc - 16/10/2017 04:30

Well Well Well

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2016 16:21 - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By The_Black_Jesus - 31/3/2013 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 17:35 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By stillhungry - 27/6/2015 18:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By balancestrikesagain - 24/4/2009 09:37 - United States

Today, I was getting onto an airplane and happened to admire the stewardess. I was walking onto the plane and was just about to talk to her when my foot slipped into the crack between the boarding ramp and the plane. Not only did she laugh as I limped to my seat but now I have bruised nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

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Top comments

By hoeslikedicks | 21

#6560306 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 11:47

That sucks. You should've told the parent to take care of her child's actions.

By Jackimo98 | 24

#6560308 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 11:48

Well hey, at least you don't have to sweep that part of the floor now

COMMENTS

By iamamistake | 15

#6560304 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 11:46

That sucks

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6560312 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 11:52

Of course it does. Why else would it be on FML?

SpyroMello | 29

#6560447 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 15:19

There's a button for that fuck nugget

By hoeslikedicks | 21

#6560306 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 11:47

That sucks. You should've told the parent to take care of her child's actions.

__Kaia__ | 12

#6560573 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:17

"How dare you accuse my daughter of such a thing! She is a perfect angel and has never misbehaved a day in her life! Get me your manager right now!"

By musdesimd | 18

#6560307 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 11:47

Yuck

By Jackimo98 | 24

#6560308 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 11:48

Well hey, at least you don't have to sweep that part of the floor now

__Kaia__ | 12

#6560580 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 17:23

I say use the little shit as a human broom to sweep the rest of the store

By gabimk23 | 13

#6560320 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 12:01

I did that on the first week of kindergarten, good times good times

By Tomryan279 | 10

#6560321 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 12:02

I hope you cleaned the floor first.

By Skycop_S | 23

#6560323 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 12:06

That kid is an evil mastermind.

By lantz4levi | 19

#6560326 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 12:09

This doesn't even seem that bad. I used to work as a janitor and there is plenty of other things worse than that in a bathroom

By gabriellesteg | 7

#6560327 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 12:09

Children really have no respect...

sparkledoge | 29

#6560344 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 12:26

True, but not all of them, parents who educate their kids and don't let them wander actually exist.

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6560329 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 12:10

You could take comfort in knowing you're not the only one in need of a good shower...
That's all I got. Sorry, OP.