Miscellaneous: Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen... - FML

By Microtron - 03/03/2015 00:48 - United States - Oxford

Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 157

You deserved it 13 373

This Charming Man

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By georgiahick - 30/12/2010 14:09

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 670

You deserved it 6 080

By anonymous - 30/01/2013 10:13 - United States - Richardson

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 489

You deserved it 60 110

By Fatty - 28/12/2011 07:57 - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 460

You deserved it 4 864

By Anonymous - 07/11/2010 21:32 - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 815

You deserved it 3 503

By montextes - 25/07/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 230

You deserved it 3 938

By nicki - 14/11/2010 17:18 - United States

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 395

You deserved it 8 096

Nice neighborhood you've got here

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 450

You deserved it 3 977

By yuck - 05/06/2015 19:11

Spicy

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 295

You deserved it 4 164

By hakuna matata - 31/10/2012 10:06 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 930

You deserved it 3 599

By esk - 18/05/2009 08:48 - China

Today, I got my medical checkup back. Apparently, I'm diagnosed with a liver condition generally found in alcoholics. I've never drank in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 346

You deserved it 3 664

By Stupid_Chick - 01/06/2010 01:09 - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 19 215

Smoking hot dude

By Anonymous - 05/07/2018 19:00

Today, I told my parents that I'm a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That lead on to part two of my confession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 192

You deserved it 692

By Ciara - 11/06/2012 20:44 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 229

You deserved it 35 000

By notgay - 12/02/2013 02:30 - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 510

You deserved it 38 909

By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, the painting I worked on for three weeks was rejected from an art contest because the rules prohibit fan art. It wasn't fan art. They mistook it for Twilight fan art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 680

You deserved it 8 131

By whatthewoah - 02/09/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 076

You deserved it 2 215

By NotSteve - 18/04/2009 08:19 - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 511

You deserved it 11 150

By Married Life 101 - 16/05/2019 02:41

Spicy

Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 398

You deserved it 190

By Marie - 17/10/2012 05:16 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. As we were about to exchange gifts, he got a call and said he had to go home immediately. What was the emergency? His guild leader couldn't find another healer to finish a raid and promised my boyfriend gear if he would step up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 072

You deserved it 4 678

By lactose intolerant - 28/01/2019 15:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 739

You deserved it 159

By matchristityler - 09/02/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 578

You deserved it 4 338

By DoggyBlues - 29/11/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 190

You deserved it 2 894

Vicious bastards

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 124

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:08 - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 959

You deserved it 5 469

It's a pretty good response, though

By angrymom - 04/06/2021 01:59

Today, I got a call from my son’s teacher. Apparently, while doing a test, he responded to the question, "Predict how the government will change in the next ten years" with, "I’m not psychic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 03/07/2012 23:50 - Australia - Melbourne

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 638

You deserved it 3 610

By Karim - 12/12/2012 05:29 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 441

You deserved it 3 172

By Well this Is Awkward - 17/12/2013 20:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend gave me his theory on how the world would be a better place if Hitler had won the 2nd World War. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 838

You deserved it 6 589

By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 089

You deserved it 21 215

By nickcedola40 - 04/04/2013 00:24 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 125

You deserved it 33 960

By airport - 10/05/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 717

You deserved it 9 192

By Jobby - 30/06/2012 12:48

Today, I have four flights. I spent last night projectile vomiting with food poisoning. By the time I got to the airport it had progressed to liquid diarhea. Two flights in, I got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 680

You deserved it 2 694

Victim blaming

By whatjusthappened - 06/09/2013 00:46 - United States - Loveland

Spicy

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 406

You deserved it 4 627

By Jeremy - 10/05/2009 01:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 202

You deserved it 86 983

Awwww, how sweet!

By Justin - 25/07/2020 20:00

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 108

By Anonymous - 01/05/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 833

You deserved it 4 527

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 04:46 - United States - Placentia

Spicy

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 197

You deserved it 2 854

By Pimaan - 26/10/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 704

You deserved it 35 823

By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 689

You deserved it 8 845

You made them use coasters, Monica

By Anonymous - 21/09/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 183

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Top comments

WellHelloThere47 19

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:12

and THAT ladies and gentlemen is why we ALWAYS screen what we show our parents first!

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:14

I don't know about your parents but mine would appreciate a song about an enormous penis because they don't have enormous sticks up their asses.

Comments

WellHelloThere47 19

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:12

and THAT ladies and gentlemen is why we ALWAYS screen what we show our parents first!

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:14

I don't know about your parents but mine would appreciate a song about an enormous penis because they don't have enormous sticks up their asses.

The_weird_one_2 13

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 23:10

Your picture is perfection

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 23:26

I know right

jaspinkgrl01 18

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Wednesday 4 March 2015 2:26

I have accepted you as my lord and savior for your profile picture •0•

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Wednesday 4 March 2015 22:11

Bow down. I am your new God.

Dean__Winchester 16

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Friday 6 March 2015 0:58

I saw your pic and immediately started laughing. Not of who's in it but the role -High fives!-

silverstream20 20

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:15

Perhaps, "penis enlargement" was exactly the kind of uplifting the OP wanted. It might have even helped his parents.

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:17

So basically, the song is compensating for his lack of size, to go with his oversized truck on monster tires?

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 20:18

Was Bill Gates compensating for his small dick with his giant mansion? I know plenty of people with large dicks who brag about it all the time (Yes I have seen them. No I'm not gay.). It's annoying but just because people brag or have a big truck doesn't mean that they're lying or have a small dick.

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Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:37

#50 how do you know that Bill Gates wasn't compensating for his "size" by purchasing his mansion?

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:18

so did your mom like the song?

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:38

why does everyone do this on an fml? it's like the easiest, most guaranteed-to-get-likes comment ever.

Dave_Davington 33

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 12:14

I think you just answered your own question there, #10.

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 16:42

I guess I did lol oh well

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 19:24

I really wanna know haha. If op decides to do a follow up and answer me koo

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:18

That's why you should ALWAYS check the things you're forwarding to any family member. Or coworker. Or anybody actually.

imapartypooper 15

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:18

Someone is a little egotistical.

southerngalslove 15

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 16:41

egotestical?

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:55

I think #8 is trying out the new big word he just learned, even though it has nothing to do with the FML

imapartypooper 15

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Wednesday 4 March 2015 23:47

So you think that someone singing about his own "enormous penis" isn't a little self-centered? Oh and by the way, when I write I actually use longer words instead of ones I learned in 3rd grade. I'm sorry if you cannot manage using a big word like egotistical.

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:36

who knows, maybe songs about enormous penisses will actually brighten up her day lol

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:41

and the feeling's like a sun shining daaaaaaay!

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 11:44

I believe the song in question is Enormous Penis by Da Vinci's Notebook. You should all give it a listen.

awkaf 9

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 15:26

I think so too, but wouldn't they have known that it was about a giant penis if the name has enormous penis in it?....

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 16:23

wasn't there a song by Weird Al about an enormous penis, too? *googles*

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Tuesday 3 March 2015 16:58

So yeah, I was wrong. It is by Da Vinci's Notebook; I wrongly thought it was Weird Al. Catchy song!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 70