Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest...

By anamanaguchi - 31/3/2018 01:30

Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML

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Work

Kids

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Instadrama

Ghosted

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Anonymous - 26/4/2015 07:09 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

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By Iamdisappointed - 24/7/2013 11:50 - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML

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By Domo731 - 5/11/2017 13:00 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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By RaccoonFever - 10/1/2014 11:15 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

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By orilykid - 31/10/2012 17:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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By Humiliated - 14/9/2009 12:58 - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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By -__- - 11/8/2013 16:26 - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 16:06 - Belgium - Poperinge

Today, my boyfriend broke things off, because he says I have a "horrible, horrible personality" and that I'm only really fuck-buddy material, which is a problem because he wants something long-term. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By notonthepavement - 15/2/2016 11:04 - United States - Desoto

Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML

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By Notadrinkanddriveidiot - 7/12/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 08:07 - United States

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

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By thanksbro - 28/9/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2018 01:30

Today, my wife admitted that she purposefully starts fights with me purely because she enjoys arguing and seeing me flustered. Don't marry a lawyer. FML

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By Jackie - 18/9/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I finally told my fiancé about the crippling sexual abuse I suffered through as a child. He immediately broke off the wedding. His reason? He can't marry someone who isn't "pure". FML

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By noname - 3/1/2009 03:26 - France

Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By GaveAnInchTakeAMile - 11/5/2013 09:52 - United States

Today, my brother's friend was about to drive home drunk, so I convinced him to think and not be stupid. It wasn't an invitation to puke on my floor then try to crawl into bed with me. FML

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By scooterbyrd - 6/11/2016 06:08

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

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By 12693 - 24/10/2012 17:35 - Australia - Perth

Today, there was a horrible smell in my kitchen. I tried to find the source, but failed and had to leave for the day. That night, my brother informed me that the smell was coming from a dead mouse stuck in our toaster. FML

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By single - 27/3/2020 05:15 - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2009 13:24 - Australia

Today, I was about to go and take a shower when I saw a pair of scissors taped to the door at eye level with a note from my boyfriend saying "Time to trim that hairy thang down under." FML

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By fresh single - 3/4/2016 07:53 - United States - Pomona

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2009 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

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By TCRII - 11/10/2017 22:30 - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 21:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By Jem - 11/1/2015 03:02 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fired for "blatant, inexcusable racism". My boss had asked me which website background I preferred for our company, and I said that white backgrounds are usually best. He thinks that I believe in white supremacy, and that's bad for the company's image. FML

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By notyourfriend - 9/9/2014 01:26 - Canada - Peterborough

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

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By boopingsnoot - 7/7/2017 02:04

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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By ManagerWithoutRespect - 5/12/2016 05:14 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML

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By shawty - 22/8/2010 12:14 - Australia

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

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By GillyPirate - 10/11/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

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By worriedman - 3/7/2015 15:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

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By Derpina - 21/12/2011 15:33 - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6year old patient. FML

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By wow - 19/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

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Top comments

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7617475 - Saturday 31 March 2018 1:50

He seems a little young to be negging.

By Void_SP | 9

#7617484 - Saturday 31 March 2018 2:56

Of course, you're a guy.

COMMENTS

By nozomi_tojo | 9

#7614421 - Thursday 22 March 2018 20:10

(x) doubt

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7617471 - Saturday 31 March 2018 1:41

Well I'm sure you can come up with something that can breast that comment

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7617472 - Saturday 31 March 2018 1:45

That does not sound like an appropriate thing to ever say to a teacher.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7617632 - Saturday 31 March 2018 16:01

no shit. doesn't say like an appropriate thing to say to anyone, anywhere.

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7617473 - Saturday 31 March 2018 1:46

The phone call home should be interesting.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7617475 - Saturday 31 March 2018 1:50

He seems a little young to be negging.

By Zekfen | 17

#7617477 - Saturday 31 March 2018 2:05

Anything more than a handful is a waste!

By Void_SP | 9

#7617484 - Saturday 31 March 2018 2:56

Of course, you're a guy.

nentenkupo | 16

#7617505 - Saturday 31 March 2018 5:21

Don't assume OP is a guy because of the gender icon. Not everyone can change theirs.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7617486 - Saturday 31 March 2018 3:26

Tit’s flat rude to talk like that!

By pjsr | 32

#7617491 - Saturday 31 March 2018 3:52

It’s good to know the 6th grade boys will be beating off to something besides you

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7617577 - Saturday 31 March 2018 13:05

"If they bother you so much, try looking at my face."