Work: Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm,...

By worksucker - United States

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

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Work

Sorry…

Do as I say, not as I do

Family matters

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By laurisshnazzy - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my friend, one I walk down every day, and I saw a really cute guy nearby. I felt like I looked better than usual, so I turned my head to offer a smile, and walked right into a pole. The impact was strong enough to send me falling to the floor. FML

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By miss cranky pants - United States

Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Holland

Today, after an argument, my boyfriend called me a fart knocker and gave me a wedgie. Apparently, I'm dating an 10-year-old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was backing out of the my work's parking lot, I hit my boss's truck. While he was in it. FML

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By justmeagain

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

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By forgotten - United States - Folsom

Today, the kids on my cross country team were planning a big surprise party for one of the girls, whose birthday is in a few weeks. It's my birthday today. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By Cow lover - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By MID12 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiancé that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

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By Sam - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

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By windthroughmyflab - United States

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

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By silkytaco - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

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By LearnGeographyUSA - United States - Kirkland

Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

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By afafakfhsg - United States

Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By wtfguys - United States

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

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By proudparent - Canada

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML

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By liilii - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

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By whyyyyy - 17/5/2020 23:00

Subjective

Today, after months of dating, I finally saw my boyfriend naked. Turns out he has a micropenis. I assured him that I like him for who he was and that we could explore other things. He said no, because oral and sex toys are "immoral." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By couch potato - 16/3/2020 03:03

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

Today, I argued with my mom that I deserved enough independence to ride my bike to school. Halfway there, I realized I was so out of shape that I had to call her for a ride. FML

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By panicromanceX3 - United States

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

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By nabru

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

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By Kay

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

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By Oh hells no - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

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By Gemma - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 20:01

No chuds, thanks

Today, I found the Instagram account belonging to the guy I've been seeing. That's how I found out he's one of those nitwit asshole Proud Boys. FML

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By sadface - United States

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

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By boned - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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By PentiumBawls8 - United States

Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of days. She knows that I'm a tea drinker and asked me for a tea bag. While conversing with her, I handed her one and left. I then later realized that I gave her a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

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By santashelper - United States

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

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Top comments

By daAce77 | 8

#2825060 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:05

He didn't say anything earlier cause he wanted you to "accidentally" work extra probably without pay.

By RathaPride02 | 6

#2825174 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:17

Where do you work? Didnt you notice no one was there?

COMMENTS

By grass_hopperr | 1

#2825048 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:03

Ruh roh.

By daAce77 | 8

#2825060 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:05

He didn't say anything earlier cause he wanted you to "accidentally" work extra probably without pay.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2825248 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:31

Shove a bottle rocket up his ass.

RetardedBullFrog | 4

#2825599 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:58

Should've asked him, why was HE there?

awardZu | 0

#2825788 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 18:37

14 has a point...

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2826588 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 20:34

And nobody decided to tell you?

alexg823 | 0

#2827163 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:28

thats cuz everyone left

YayFlameWarz | 9

#2828850 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 5:51

Did you think nothing of everyone leaving, saying "See ya tommorow Jack" and turning off the lights?

By balest22 | 0

#2825064 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:05

Did you just a the job

balest22 | 0

#2825084 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:07

the*

ColdplaySucks | 18

#2825097 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:09

haha your pic is hilarious.

By balest22 | 0

#2825094 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:09

Did you just get the job??

OhzTP | 7

#2828049 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 1:12

Yeah at least this will hopefully build OPs rep in her bosses eyes.

By RokNRoll11 | 9

#2825129 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:11

Nice JOB
Top 10 comments yay

By RathaPride02 | 6

#2825174 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:17

Where do you work? Didnt you notice no one was there?

goshpeople | 4

#2825641 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 18:09

Some small shops only have one scheduled employee working at a time, who then handles everything and closes up shop at the end of the workday. Same for a lot of gas stations, where there's a single cashier working at any given time.

By manda_smith92 | 3

#2825204 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:21

didn't the rest of the employees leave?

By anjelicjazzy | 6

#2825211 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:22

how could yu not know? did anyone show up???

By Petunia888 | 13

#2825593 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:57

You should be grateful for the extra money. That is, if you're hourly. If not, thanks for the volunteer work.

By pickles1994 | 18

#2826374 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 19:54

atleast he didn't fire you at 6am