Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm,...

By worksucker - United States

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

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Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

No one likes a smart-ass

Vibe check

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2020 05:00

Almost done

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

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By Pururururin - 11/6/2020 08:08

Sounds bad

Today, I accidentally deleted an audio file for my first professional video project. Impossible to do a retake, because the production budget was so tight. The audio from the camera sounds bad and file recovery program still can't help. Also, the deadline is this week. FML

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By cashier - United States

Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML

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By CatLady - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

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By really? - 28/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Kids

Today, I noticed my daughter’s sullen mood and asked if there was anything I could do to help. With tears in her eyes, she snapped, “Yeah, you can go back in time and keep that appointment you’d made at planned parenthood!” I never had such an appointment and her older brother is a mean asshole. FML

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By Jenson - 17/11/2020 19:05 - United Kingdom

Size Queen

Today, I found out that being a good boyfriend who financially supports his girlfriend through university, has a good relationship with her family and even put myself at risk to care for her through a COVID infection, doesn’t matter because she prefers the guy she cheated with who has a bigger knob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister got me in deep trouble at the store I worked security for. She "dropped by to say hi" and stole a bunch of things when I wasn't looking. I wasn't arrested, due to lack of any evidence. But my boss didn't care about evidence and fired me anyway. FML

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By bees - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

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By Jaymail - 17/8/2020 08:01

It's close enough

Today, after many hours studying a complete course of Spanish, I felt really good. I had accomplished something, something I could really use next week when I fly to Mexico on vacation. Then I found out what I had learned was Spanish as they speak it in Spain, not how they speak it in Latin America. FML

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By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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By justinherass - Canada

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML

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By julian1 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By why... - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

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By Just_Me_88 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

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By notateen - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

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By hotandbothered - United States

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

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By Lord_Nick - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

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By Anonymous

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

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By awesome

Today, my friends thought it would be hilarious to show me Marley and Me the day right after I had to put down my dog. I had my dog for 11 years. FML

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By monogamous - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By human lava lamp - United States - New Britain

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

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By Carlah - 17/3/2020 20:30

Deception

Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

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By Poopamus

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

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By sharkgirl4 - United States - Rialto

Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By ThisIsMyLife

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

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By Badday - Canada

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

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By KidCudi227 - United States

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

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By handi-crap - United States

Today, I had a promo code for a free Redbox movie. Since I knew exactly which movie I wanted, I parked in a handicapped space because it was super close and I was cold. I didn't think anyone would notice, but apparently the cop that parked beside my car did. My free movie cost me $100. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

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By feminismlol - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

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By WTF?!?! - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

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By beepbeep

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML

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By burntloyalty - United States

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

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By irwingiggles - Netherlands

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By daAce77 | 8

#2825060 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:05

He didn't say anything earlier cause he wanted you to "accidentally" work extra probably without pay.

By RathaPride02 | 6

#2825174 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:17

Where do you work? Didnt you notice no one was there?

COMMENTS

By grass_hopperr | 1

#2825048 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:03

Ruh roh.

By daAce77 | 8

#2825060 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:05

He didn't say anything earlier cause he wanted you to "accidentally" work extra probably without pay.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2825248 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:31

Shove a bottle rocket up his ass.

RetardedBullFrog | 4

#2825599 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:58

Should've asked him, why was HE there?

awardZu | 0

#2825788 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 18:37

14 has a point...

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2826588 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 20:34

And nobody decided to tell you?

alexg823 | 0

#2827163 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:28

thats cuz everyone left

YayFlameWarz | 9

#2828850 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 5:51

Did you think nothing of everyone leaving, saying "See ya tommorow Jack" and turning off the lights?

By balest22 | 0

#2825064 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:05

Did you just a the job

balest22 | 0

#2825084 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:07

the*

ColdplaySucks | 18

#2825097 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:09

haha your pic is hilarious.

By balest22 | 0

#2825094 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:09

Did you just get the job??

OhzTP | 7

#2828049 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 1:12

Yeah at least this will hopefully build OPs rep in her bosses eyes.

By RokNRoll11 | 9

#2825129 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:11

Nice JOB
Top 10 comments yay

By RathaPride02 | 6

#2825174 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:17

Where do you work? Didnt you notice no one was there?

goshpeople | 4

#2825641 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 18:09

Some small shops only have one scheduled employee working at a time, who then handles everything and closes up shop at the end of the workday. Same for a lot of gas stations, where there's a single cashier working at any given time.

By manda_smith92 | 3

#2825204 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:21

didn't the rest of the employees leave?

By anjelicjazzy | 6

#2825211 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 16:22

how could yu not know? did anyone show up???

By Petunia888 | 13

#2825593 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:57

You should be grateful for the extra money. That is, if you're hourly. If not, thanks for the volunteer work.

By pickles1994 | 18

#2826374 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 19:54

atleast he didn't fire you at 6am