Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me... - FML

By Deedee

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

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Serious times

Go anyway, see the sights

Bustin' my ass

By blaise - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she responded, "You were the other guy". FML

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By MikeMorin18 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

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By crazycora - Belgium

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

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By SoClose - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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By noshow - United States - Richardson

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML

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By kirstiexoxo - United States

Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M and M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages. FML

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By dearprudence89 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

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By rosie21030 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

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By hs - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By Savviecat97

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

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By bobthenun - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I went out to a restaurant to meet a girl that I met online. When I arrived I texted her and she said she was wearing a blue shirt. The only person that was wearing anything blue was a fat man smiling in the corner. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Loughton

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML

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By screwed - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML

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By givingup - United States

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

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By John_Elvis - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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By confusedmofo - Indonesia

Today, I went out and met somebody. We got talking and we both realized we are each the ideal romantic partner for the other. The only problem is we are both straight men. FML

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By Sady_Ct

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

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By Ella - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 05:03

Music nerds of the world unite!

Today, I woke up this morning to find out I have lost all ability to hear. Not only is that medically concerning, it also means that now I can’t listen to the new albums I just bought. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

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By John - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

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By Blueberry - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was at my job life-guarding, when a woman pushed the spine-board over, hitting me on the back of my head. She laughed, but I now have a concussion and a stiff neck, and my co-workers can't stop laughing at the "irony." FML

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By MandyPanda - United States

Today, I went to a theme party where everyone wore white shirts and brought markers to draw on them. I didn't know many people there but I still went around drawing on people's shirts. After a few hours, someone finally drew on my shirt. They wrote "I'm scary." FML

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By shit - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

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By tessamarque - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By Oopsydaisy31 - 3/1/2020 03:00

Metal music

Today, my date and I were getting to know each other, and we talked about our favorite music. He's into metal. Trying to impress him, I mention I like metal too. He said his favorite band is “The Gonzorks” and I mentioned that's my favorite too. He looked at me dead and cold and said “Um, actually that band doesn't exist.” FML

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By runsinthefamily - United States - Aurora

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

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By smartass - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show about wildlife. The moment the narrator said the word "peacock", my boyfriend broke down into hysterical laughter. He laughed to the point of tears, and had to excuse himself. I'm dating a man-child. FML

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By campmom

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog that's humping my leg, I will end up with stitches. FML

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By the customer is always a cunt - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

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By dangerousknitter - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Yikes!

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

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Top comments

By bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#7430299 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 0:53

Maybe a promotion is in the works. Could be! You don't know!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7430307 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 1:15

Well, he indicated that he's planning on you leaving the company.

COMMENTS

By bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#7430299 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 0:53

Maybe a promotion is in the works. Could be! You don't know!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7430307 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 1:15

Well, he indicated that he's planning on you leaving the company.

By blink831forever | 13

#7430387 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 7:55

um..I hope things turn out well for you.

By Cali | 54

#7430426 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 10:46

Any chance it was a joke? Do you happen work for Michael Scott?

By Yudith | 20

#7430513 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 13:02

Time to dust the ol' resume.

By sasquatchius | 3

#7430531 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 13:13

Keep a record of this, it could come in useful if you're unfairly dismissed.

By 10thFloor | 16

#7537082 - Sunday 3 September 2017 17:57

what happened then?? did we get a follow up?