Love and Health: Thanks babe...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 142

Thanks babe...

By okaykk - 05/09/2018 13:00

Today, after having hardly any sleep the whole weekend, I was woken up at 3:30 am by the sound of running water. I opened my eyes to find my fiancé peeing in my favorite water bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 417

You deserved it 199

Love Health

Family values

Thanks, government

The more the merrier

03/02/2016 15:44

Today, while on the tram with my friend, we ended up discussing religion. When we started talking about God, some guy asked us, in a serious tone, to "stop talking about me" because it was really starting to bother him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 659

You deserved it 2 446

12/08/2009 23:14

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 698

You deserved it 3 971

27/01/2016 15:35

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 149

You deserved it 5 088

27/06/2015 15:01

Today, while watching a family movie, my mother made every effort to make sure I covered my eyes during a kissing scene. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise, since she still forces me to put my phone in her room every night as she makes me go to bed at 8:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 620

You deserved it 3 609

08/06/2012 16:36

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 436

You deserved it 5 644

03/10/2015 02:32

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 385

You deserved it 5 985

Alexa, play "Gigantic" by Pixies

By Anonymous - 04/03/2020 14:01

Today, my brother was officially diagnosed with gigantism. According to the specialist doctor, he'll probably be 8 feet tall, if not taller. Hearing this, my brother looked at me and said, "Remember when you used to pick on me for being smaller than you? Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" I’m so screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 2 065

06/10/2010 04:32

Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 660

You deserved it 3 973

01/02/2013 04:39

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 259

You deserved it 2 560

01/09/2014 14:08

Today, I wrecked my car because my mom texted me, telling me not to text and drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 605

You deserved it 44 902

08/05/2009 03:02

Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 920

You deserved it 16 461

Nice

By happypineapple - 17/07/2014 03:31

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 626

You deserved it 19 848

09/09/2014 15:53

Today, I overcame my debilitating seasickness long enough to have a shower and take a breath of fresh air on the cruise ship balcony. Then as a reward, a passing seagull shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 503

You deserved it 3 161

18/10/2016 06:49

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 031

You deserved it 3 355

21/12/2016 15:56

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 632

You deserved it 1 663

27/06/2014 23:50

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 783

You deserved it 7 647

Get out

By Anonymous - 23/09/2020 14:01

Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 1 824

25/02/2016 21:55

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 843

You deserved it 2 403

04/10/2013 16:05

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 640

You deserved it 5 928

What ARE you doing?

By grounded - 03/01/2010 16:40

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 939

You deserved it 28 045

20/06/2016 23:13

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 592

You deserved it 1 022

Animalistic

By 00anon00 - 02/07/2020 02:01

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 141

Look at that

By Gremlin - This fml is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 313

You deserved it 4 090

Sounds wholesome…

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 08:04

Today, my grandmother told me that my grandfather was a great man, and that he did a lot for the state of Ohio. When I got home, I googled him. He was the leader of one of the biggest KKK groups in America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 487

You deserved it 110

24/04/2016 09:55

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 601

You deserved it 1 410

28/10/2011 01:22

Today, I was rear-ended by a girl barely out of her teens. I got out of my car and went to get her insurance details, only for her mother to get out and up in my face, screaming at me to, "Get back in your fucking car and get the fuck out of here!" I panicked and did just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 129

You deserved it 38 511

24/07/2009 06:40

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 578

You deserved it 13 715

26/09/2015 01:17

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 785

You deserved it 2 565

03/02/2018 19:00

Today, I "woofed" at a man on a gay dating site before realizing he's my Psych professor. Now during every lecture I'll never forget his nipples are pierced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 517

You deserved it 1 534

26/04/2011 16:00

Today, I broke my toe. My mom didn't think it was necessary to take me to hospital, opting to give me some painkillers instead. They were so strong that I fell asleep for an hour during my exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 462

You deserved it 4 066

17/07/2013 11:56

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 596

You deserved it 4 209

29/01/2012 06:31

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 879

You deserved it 3 497

12/06/2013 16:27

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 623

You deserved it 3 889

25/09/2009 12:54

Today, I received an envelope from verizon. I assumed it was my bill. I opened it and saw a visa credit card offer so I quickly snapped it in half to prevent identity theft. Only after playing with the pieces for 10 minutes did I realize that it was my $100 rebate from my new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 187

You deserved it 62 359

30/03/2009 20:16

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

I agree, your life sucks 210 725

You deserved it 34 927

28/08/2015 17:18

Today, I decided to give my dog a bath. Instead, my dog gave me a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 933

You deserved it 3 850

28/05/2011 00:56

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 099

You deserved it 53 807

15/08/2011 17:05

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 814

You deserved it 5 236

24/03/2012 02:42

Today, while hiking and wearing sandals, I stubbed my toe. This wouldn't have been so bad had it not been into a cactus with 3 inch thorns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 368

You deserved it 32 189

19/02/2009 21:47

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 274

You deserved it 3 744

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Top comments

darkshadus 10

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 13:02

Depending on your personal preference you either need a new water bottle or fiancé

Dave_Davington 33

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 13:29

At least now you have a free pass to piss on something he likes. So yeah, live the dream.

Comments

darkshadus 10

Send a private message

Wednesday 5 September 2018 13:02

Depending on your personal preference you either need a new water bottle or fiancé

Dave_Davington 33

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 13:29

At least now you have a free pass to piss on something he likes. So yeah, live the dream.

Glowworm56 25

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 13:40

Why was he peeing in your water bottle?

Petra Grote 19

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 14:16

Who said it was a man ? 😂

Glowworm56 25

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 16:33

Fiance generally refers to a man. Fiancee refers to a woman. Sometimes the terms gets mixed up though.

raven_of_azarath 34

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 19:27

How exactly is a woman supposed to pee in a water bottle? Peeing in a cup is hard enough.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 17:05

You mean he peed in his favorite urine bottle. That’s the law of the jungle! I hope you get a chance to pee on his paycheck!

_Hakuna_Matata_ 12

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 21:24

That must've been a real eye opener.

1ninjanina 7

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Wednesday 5 September 2018 23:31

Was he drunk?

cylon_god 4

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Thursday 6 September 2018 3:22

Boy, he really wants you to stay hydrated.