By Amber - 2/1/2021 02:01

Tell us more

Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

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Relationships

Serious times

Unreasonable

Baby mama drama

By theorifice - Canada

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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41295

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By guessthatsatrickthen - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

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27071

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By Laserbeaver - United States - Milton

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

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11032

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By tammy - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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33654

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By Stressed out mom

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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5791

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By iVaughtTV - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

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18086

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By How can you f*** up that bad!? - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

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6546

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

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By Screwed in Seattle - United States

Today, I woke up with a migrane, so I took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day. The pill made me dizzy and nauseous, so I took a motion-sickness pill. That pill gave me a migrane. FML

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32825

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By jada - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend over and over again and he never answered. His mom just called me and asked how I was holding up. I asked her what she meant and she had to tell me he checked himself into rehab because he was addicted to heroin. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

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48611

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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30758

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By DF - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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40571

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By hantavirus - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

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58802

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By lonely - United States

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML

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40523

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By Ace - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

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45124

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By MessedXUp - United States

Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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2408

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By new dog - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML

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By cderr - United States

Today, my sister found out she contracted ringworm and scabies from her best friend's rescued kittens. The entire family now has to be treated to prevent it from spreading. There are 7 people in our house and none of us have health insurance. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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5324

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By SadPuppy - United States

Today, while grieving over the loss of my Grandpa, I called my girlfriend for comfort. After I had cheered up, she said, "Don't worry, he went to Hell anyway." FML

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By disgusting - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML

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46478

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By Sweeney - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

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17892

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By Anonymous

Racing rats

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

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1584

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By Tara - United States

Today, I went tanning for 15 min at my gym. When I got out no one was there, all of the lights were off, and the alarm started going off. Turns out the people working forgot about me, locked up, and left me there. FML

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By grant b - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

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By LuckySperm - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me that after my two older siblings were born, he got a vasectomy. However, something went wrong, and the vasectomy had failed, resulting in me. FML

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36316

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By no sleep for me

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

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41206

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML

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48718

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By TatooFAIL - United States

Today, I found out that the phrase I got tattooed on my lower back is misspelled. FML

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By Bulldogs09 - France

Today, I finally hooked up with the boy of my dreams at a party. Later, while on aim, I noticed one of his friends away messages was a quote from the guy's screen name, which said "I can't believe what I stick my d... In sometimes." FML

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46653

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By Random737193 - United States - Haddonfield

Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML

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32061

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By pasquale - Australia - Parramatta

Today, my mother threw an egg at my face with force because I returned home 5 minutes late to dinner. FML

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36945

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By PerturbedStudent - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

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22545

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By Chelsy - Australia - Canberra

Can he fix it?

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend is drunk he pretends to be Bob the Builder. FML

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1286

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182

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

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36168

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Top comments

By dasin | 17

#7961556 - Saturday 2 January 2021 4:24

xenophobic to all things or other humans? like i wouldnt want alien overlords from the planet xenu coming here and pillaging our planet

By RichardPencil | 30

#7961560 - Saturday 2 January 2021 4:58

How did it take you so long to figure that out?

Do you two talk?

COMMENTS

By dasin | 17

#7961556 - Saturday 2 January 2021 4:24

xenophobic to all things or other humans? like i wouldnt want alien overlords from the planet xenu coming here and pillaging our planet

By RichardPencil | 30

#7961560 - Saturday 2 January 2021 4:58

How did it take you so long to figure that out?

Do you two talk?

By Anzubar | 5

#7961567 - Saturday 2 January 2021 7:24

So...what did he disagree with you on?