Creepy, Neighbours and Miscellaneous: Stranger danger

Stranger danger

By Dani - 12/01/2012 10:35 - Australia

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 948

You deserved it 2 601

Creepy Neighbours Miscellaneous

Own it

Hiding from the drama

Seize the means

By CollegeKID - 23/05/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, I went to orientation for college. They gave us a name tag and I tried to figure out how to put it on for a few minutes. After struggling with it I realized it was a sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 836

You deserved it 29 790

By idiot bro - 06/07/2014 18:04 - United States - Brunswick

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 667

You deserved it 4 437

By Ethan - 17/10/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 031

You deserved it 2 387

8 out of 10 dentists

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 08:02

Today, my 45 year-old sister blamed my parents yet again for losing one tooth after the other because they did not tell her to brush her teeth before going to bed. It's general knowledge, honey. And somehow, I still have all my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 1 604

By Anonymous - 07/02/2011 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 202

You deserved it 7 373

By scalmon - 13/05/2011 17:08 - United States

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 334

You deserved it 67 303

Ouch, ouch, ouch

By Teh_Moo_fml - 13/03/2021 00:30

Today, I learned that you can actually sprain your groin for real. It hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 101

By jayne_dhoe - 22/11/2009 07:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 639

You deserved it 5 473

By Yippie - 02/05/2017 22:00 - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 767

You deserved it 694

By BadDad - 30/04/2017 15:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 763

You deserved it 654

By Anonymous - 27/06/2013 20:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 415

You deserved it 6 418

By Sweeney - 20/05/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 924

You deserved it 76 161

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 707

You deserved it 3 927

By Anonymous - 05/09/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, knowing that the girl I broke up with last night goes crazy after breakups, I threw away my hair products, thinking she switched them with Nair. She didn't... but she did use the key I keep under a flowerpot to take all of my clothes and burn them on my lawn while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 552

You deserved it 8 972

By perfecttiming - 06/05/2013 15:25 - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 570

You deserved it 4 647

By combo - 28/02/2010 09:12 - France

Today, I was chatting with my boyfriend and his mates barefoot on the grass. I suddenly felt something flick across my feet, so I let out a startled scream. Turns out it was my toe hairs rustling in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 954

You deserved it 27 461

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 379

You deserved it 4 640

By CorpseBride - 07/02/2017 04:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 847

You deserved it 2 074

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 23/05/2021 08:01 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I just came out of a two-year long depression. I'm finally starting to feel normal, so of course I get a message that my grandmother might have less than a year to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 71

By Bladerunner - 01/12/2011 09:49 - United States

Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3 hour drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 075

You deserved it 3 510

By Anonymous - 09/02/2016 11:28 - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 917

You deserved it 4 422

By buccaneer - 23/10/2012 16:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 820

You deserved it 3 535

By blahhhh - 09/04/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 356

You deserved it 4 981

By Septy - 21/01/2016 18:17 - Spain - M?laga

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 741

You deserved it 1 887

Porn, comment

By zAstonish - 28/11/2019 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 2 475

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 22:00

Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 113

You deserved it 1 010

By uwotm8 - 24/05/2015 00:58 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I missed the spider but succeeded in keying my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 737

You deserved it 25 334

Keep it clean

By germy germs - 01/07/2021 19:01 - United States

Today, my wife bitched at me for not washing my hands before handling the dishes. The dirty dishes. That were sitting in a sink of hot soapy water. According to her, the dirt from my hands was gonna make the dirty dishes even dirtier. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 206

By atterz123 - 12/02/2009 13:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 913

You deserved it 5 374

By Helena - 25/09/2018 03:00

Today, I was on my Wheel of Time fanfiction roleplay chatting seductively with my virtual lover while taking a break from doing some work, only to realize that I had accidentally sent the revenue report to my fellow fanfiction lover and used magic to undress my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 4 501

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 527

Back to work

By "pixie_pix13" - 07/12/2019 03:00

Today, I came back to work after being out for a week. As I walked to the back of the store I threw my hands up and yelled "I'm back bitches". Right after I said it, I noticed my boss was behind me. I was then taken to the office and wrote up for foul language on my first day back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 2 661

By hazeblaze - 06/10/2017 23:15

Today, I noticed that my dad's Whatsapp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 055

You deserved it 248

Phones, how do they work?!

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 14:00

Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown, no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted, they left a number in the voicemail telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 263

By janesays - 24/02/2010 07:45 - United States

Today, my 2 year old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 581

You deserved it 66 419

By gracie511 - 29/01/2019 12:00

Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 518

You deserved it 494

Top Chef

By Mother of a dumb blonde - 22/06/2017 02:00

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that no, just because the word, "salad" is in the name, it doesn't mean that macaroni or potato salad are automatically healthy for you. She still doesn't believe me. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 801

You deserved it 667

By apparentlytoougly - 27/03/2013 07:29 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 485

You deserved it 3 831

Rumble in the night

By Deanna - 02/10/2019 06:00

Today, I spent the night with in a hotel with my boyfriend's parents, because I went with them to visit him in Atlanta. This morning when I woke up, the first thing they said to me was, "Wow, you're a small girl but you snore like a man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 473

You deserved it 261

By Username - 27/09/2010 00:50 - France

Today, I was driving to my company picnic with 85 lbs of meat in the back seat, and 1 gallon of homemade BBQ sauce and mustard in large pans riding shotgun. As I drove down a steep hill, the BBQ sauce pan slid forward, hit the glove box and exploded in my front seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 166

You deserved it 23 235

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Top comments

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:10

You should have blown him a kiss and started running in circles. That way HE would be the one scared to go out.

ea49610 0

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:08

Probably just messing with you

CoolRainbowdash 15

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:06

Thats scary

dirtroadboy 7

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:55

Carry a pistol. permits are cheap and well worth it. But make sure you learn to shoot before you pack!

boydeee01 7

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Thursday 12 January 2012 19:02

Anybody want some cock flavored soup? (I'm totally serious)

MrBoredGuy 1

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Thursday 12 January 2012 19:21

They're cheap? No they're actually quite expensive, for a pistol permit AND a concealed carry permit plus an actual pistol, that's a lot of dough

changesinme 0

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Thursday 12 January 2012 19:33

Oh hey, it's just Freddy Krueger

rofflewaffle 9

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Thursday 12 January 2012 21:42

Sounds like OP was on *sunglasses* the wrong side of the tracks. YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH

gojira666 7

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Thursday 12 January 2012 23:18

1-800-GO-UHAUL. Use it before its too late.

lebronesque73091 12

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Friday 13 January 2012 0:59

It doesn't sound scary the way you described it.

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Friday 13 January 2012 3:59

*looks at 80 and runs fingers across neck like a knief, while yelling, "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch!!"* Does it sound scary now, 80?

SkateBoarding 4

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Friday 13 January 2012 4:23

Did u ever notice that everybody's fmls are from australia

dirtroadboy 7

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Friday 13 January 2012 9:35

I paid 135 for lifetime conceal carry and 500 for a springfield xd. not that expensive

dirtroadboy 7

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Friday 13 January 2012 9:40

That was meant to 50 fyi

JHC88 2

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Friday 13 January 2012 11:53

Good plan except it's illegal to own a gun in Australia unless you live on a rural property. I'd move house if I was OP

dirtroadboy 7

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Friday 13 January 2012 14:26

98- I am on fml mobile and it doesn't show where the posting was from. I was unaware of the laws there as well. Basing my comments off personal experiance in Indiana (US).

Sexyhotanna 8

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Saturday 14 January 2012 16:31

he probably just wants to tickle your neck, that's all(: lol

iheartstewie7 5

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Wednesday 18 April 2012 5:44

Not "everybody's" but yeah, I feel like a majority of them are from Australia and the UK. I guess they just encounter a lot of fucked up shit.

ea49610 0

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:08

Probably just messing with you

j_cat187 19

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Thursday 12 January 2012 17:01

I would still take as a threat.

Savra_fml 17

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Thursday 12 January 2012 17:56

#2 is right, the guy was just trying to play. Aussies would call this game "knivesies - necksies" or something of the like. Nothing to worry about really.

ImInYourFACEbook 8

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Thursday 12 January 2012 18:40

Or maybe OP was wearing a really nice necklace and the stranger has a really weird way of complementing people?

WCARlover 34

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Thursday 12 January 2012 20:30

I'd probably crap myself...oh wait I do that anyway

WCARlover 34

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Thursday 12 January 2012 22:15

^wow my brother was on my account and wrote that -_-

EmilyJoSmyth 4

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Friday 13 January 2012 0:10

Final last words.

TheWindowLicker 13

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Friday 13 January 2012 0:28

I think you mean famous not final, 76.

TheWindowLicker 13

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Friday 13 January 2012 0:28

I think you mean famous not final, 76.

lebronesque73091 12

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Friday 13 January 2012 1:01

LOL @ #56

that_band_nerd 22

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Thursday 26 December 2013 23:56

Well most last words are pretty final

seximexi911 10

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:09

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know how to take that.

soccerguy2 11

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Thursday 12 January 2012 22:51

I would get a knife and do it back instead of using a finger and doing it like a pussy would. (the second part sounds a little weird, I know)

FaustXIII 0

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Saturday 14 January 2012 8:21

Don't make it weird, just handle it like anyone else would: Bend over and spank your own ass at him, alerting him that you are ready to copulate via the backdoor.

iveseentomuch 3

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:09

I think he wants to tickle your neck :D. You know...just with a knife

silentspilla 0

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:59

lmfao!!

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:10

You should have blown him a kiss and started running in circles. That way HE would be the one scared to go out.

BDTony13 0

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Thursday 12 January 2012 17:35

what such a perfect picture for this FML lol^

OctoberRainfall 13

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Thursday 12 January 2012 17:55

would totally do that

ananonymousguy 0

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Friday 13 January 2012 7:05

Didn't recognize you there Doc.

SecretMe00 5

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Friday 13 January 2012 7:31

Uh no... OP can just say (s)he did and not. Actually OP should inform the proper authorities.

ErinBeam 1

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:17

That's creepy, but don't let his gesture keep you from enjoying your balcony.

perdix 29

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Thursday 12 January 2012 16:18

You ought to whip out your Crocodile Dundee knife and say, "That's not a knife -- this is a knife!" And make sure you carry a gun, in case all Aussies have knives like that.