By Dani - Australia

Stranger danger

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32883

2598

Late term

Serious times

Bodyshaming

By Antonin - 13/11/2020 05:03 - Switzerland

We meet again

Today, I missed my bus to school, so I took my bike. The bus that I missed ignored a stop sign on its way back, making me crash into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

876

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25734

You deserved it

3571

Favorite

By SebastianMiko - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47939

You deserved it

2296

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45852

You deserved it

4473

Favorite

By Ania - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42790

You deserved it

3616

Favorite

By Anonameow - United States - Freeland

Today, after lots of overcast weather, we opened the blinds to the children's section in the library, to let in the beautiful sunshine. Fifteen preschoolers were greeted by the sight of a used condom plastered against the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19639

You deserved it

1610

Favorite

By neveragain89 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26697

You deserved it

5305

Favorite

By Light Sleeper - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32819

You deserved it

4452

Favorite

By kellb123 - United States

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31413

You deserved it

2555

Favorite

By randommanwill - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18231

You deserved it

1292

Favorite

By offended - United States

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60145

You deserved it

5113

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14802

You deserved it

29986

Favorite

By nocatlover - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31621

You deserved it

3373

Favorite

By veebenjoo - United States

Today, I got asked out for the first time in my life. During a prank call. By a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35841

You deserved it

4305

Favorite

By ifmlftw - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38996

You deserved it

3046

Favorite

By Bliss - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26913

You deserved it

5876

Favorite

By itchyyet - Australia - Hawker

Today, a friend who visited me a week ago with "allergy rashes" told me that it's actually scabies, and she hopes I didn't catch it from her. It takes 2-6 weeks for the symptoms to show and I can't use the medication for it anyway because I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23666

You deserved it

1491

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22185

You deserved it

1484

Favorite

By lalala2494

Today, I said, "Bless you" when someone sneezed on television. That's how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1588

You deserved it

188

Favorite

By Doglover - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25925

You deserved it

2869

Favorite

By gofixmyhead - United Kingdom

Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25006

You deserved it

3970

Favorite

By bluehairedfreakgirl - United States

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk and heard a little girl ask her dad why I had blue hair. He said, "Sometimes drugs will make people do stupid things." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45418

You deserved it

38657

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Adrian

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49163

You deserved it

5330

Favorite

By LongDriveNoSleep - United States - Washington

Today, my friend, who I'm moving in with, flew up to drive from Pennsylvania to Texas, where she lives, with me. I went to the airport to pick her up and we discovered she accidentally flew to the wrong airport. On the other side of the state. I'm driving through the night to rescue her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14019

You deserved it

1329

Favorite

By whatevershit - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23229

You deserved it

2987

Favorite

By Dopeydancer - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36126

You deserved it

13008

Favorite

By anti-drugs - United Kingdom

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41182

You deserved it

4250

Favorite

By LadyGagasLOVER - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45666

You deserved it

3507

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59756

You deserved it

11701

Favorite

By bigdawg702 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18272

You deserved it

68870

Favorite

By firefliiez - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9154

You deserved it

42744

Favorite

By writerflaw - United States - Juneau

Today, I lost a grade on an essay, because according to my teacher, I put much more detail into my analytical essay than I should have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33727

You deserved it

3414

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26069

You deserved it

1760

Favorite

By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

578

You deserved it

1249

Favorite

By ouch - United States

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33079

You deserved it

3419

Favorite

By policeopenup - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54218

You deserved it

8685

Favorite

By LennyComa

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5492

You deserved it

906

Favorite

By Dirtisgood

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2968

You deserved it

152

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38702

You deserved it

4137

Favorite

By Bontempi - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13597

You deserved it

42546

Favorite

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#3871987 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:10

You should have blown him a kiss and started running in circles. That way HE would be the one scared to go out.

By ea49610 | 0

#3871968 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:08

Probably just messing with you

COMMENTS

By CoolRainbowdash | 15

#3871952 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:06

Thats scary

dirtroadboy | 7

#3872356 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:55

Carry a pistol. permits are cheap and well worth it. But make sure you learn to shoot before you pack!

boydeee01 | 7

#3872891 - Thursday 12 January 2012 19:02

Anybody want some cock flavored soup? (I'm totally serious)

MrBoredGuy | 1

#3873028 - Thursday 12 January 2012 19:21

They're cheap? No they're actually quite expensive, for a pistol permit AND a concealed carry permit plus an actual pistol, that's a lot of dough

changesinme | 0

#3873129 - Thursday 12 January 2012 19:33

Oh hey, it's just Freddy Krueger

rofflewaffle | 9

#3873711 - Thursday 12 January 2012 21:42

Sounds like OP was on *sunglasses* the wrong side of the tracks.

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH

gojira666 | 7

#3874089 - Thursday 12 January 2012 23:18

1-800-GO-UHAUL. Use it before its too late.

lebronesque73091 | 12

#3874550 - Friday 13 January 2012 0:59

It doesn't sound scary the way you described it.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3875385 - Friday 13 January 2012 3:59

*looks at 80 and runs fingers across neck like a knief, while yelling, "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch!!"*

Does it sound scary now, 80?

SkateBoarding | 4

#3875506 - Friday 13 January 2012 4:23

Did u ever notice that everybody's fmls are from australia

dirtroadboy | 7

#3876542 - Friday 13 January 2012 9:35

I paid 135 for lifetime conceal carry and 500 for a springfield xd. not that expensive

dirtroadboy | 7

#3876569 - Friday 13 January 2012 9:40

That was meant to 50 fyi

JHC88 | 2

#3876796 - Friday 13 January 2012 11:53

Good plan except it's illegal to own a gun in Australia unless you live on a rural property.
I'd move house if I was OP

dirtroadboy | 7

#3877314 - Friday 13 January 2012 14:26

98- I am on fml mobile and it doesn't show where the posting was from. I was unaware of the laws there as well. Basing my comments off personal experiance in Indiana (US).

Sexyhotanna | 8

#3883051 - Saturday 14 January 2012 16:31

he probably just wants to tickle your neck, that's all(: lol

iheartstewie7 | 5

#4320438 - Wednesday 18 April 2012 5:44

Not "everybody's" but yeah, I feel like a majority of them are from Australia and the UK. I guess they just encounter a lot of fucked up shit.

By ea49610 | 0

#3871968 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:08

Probably just messing with you

j_cat187 | 19

#3872396 - Thursday 12 January 2012 17:01

I would still take as a threat.

Savra_fml | 17

#3872605 - Thursday 12 January 2012 17:56

#2 is right, the guy was just trying to play. Aussies would call this game "knivesies - necksies" or something of the like. Nothing to worry about really.

ImInYourFACEbook | 8

#3872761 - Thursday 12 January 2012 18:40

Or maybe OP was wearing a really nice necklace and the stranger has a really weird way of complementing people?

WCARlover | 34

#3873436 - Thursday 12 January 2012 20:30

I'd probably crap myself...oh wait I do that anyway

WCARlover | 34

#3873812 - Thursday 12 January 2012 22:15

^wow my brother was on my account and wrote that -_-

EmilyJoSmyth | 4

#3874223 - Friday 13 January 2012 0:10

Final last words.

TheWindowLicker | 13

#3874286 - Friday 13 January 2012 0:28

I think you mean famous not final, 76.

TheWindowLicker | 13

#3874288 - Friday 13 January 2012 0:28

I think you mean famous not final, 76.

lebronesque73091 | 12

#3874571 - Friday 13 January 2012 1:01

LOL @ #56

that_band_nerd | 22

#5805957 - Thursday 26 December 2013 23:56

Well most last words are pretty final

By seximexi911 | 10

#3871975 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:09

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know how to take that.

soccerguy2 | 11

#3873981 - Thursday 12 January 2012 22:51

I would get a knife and do it back instead of using a finger and doing it like a pussy would. (the second part sounds a little weird, I know)

FaustXIII | 0

#3881671 - Saturday 14 January 2012 8:21

Don't make it weird, just handle it like anyone else would: Bend over and spank your own ass at him, alerting him that you are ready to copulate via the backdoor.

By iveseentomuch | 3

#3871980 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:09

I think he wants to tickle your neck :D. You know...just with a knife

silentspilla | 0

#3872389 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:59

lmfao!!

By DocBastard | 38

#3871987 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:10

You should have blown him a kiss and started running in circles. That way HE would be the one scared to go out.

BDTony13 | 0

#3872523 - Thursday 12 January 2012 17:35

what such a perfect picture for this FML lol^

OctoberRainfall | 13

#3872599 - Thursday 12 January 2012 17:55

would totally do that

ananonymousguy | 0

#3876032 - Friday 13 January 2012 7:05

Didn't recognize you there Doc.

SecretMe00 | 5

#3876093 - Friday 13 January 2012 7:31

Uh no... OP can just say (s)he did and not.

Actually OP should inform the proper authorities.

By ErinBeam | 1

#3872013 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:17

That's creepy, but don't let his gesture keep you from enjoying your balcony.

By perdix | 29

#3872016 - Thursday 12 January 2012 16:18

You ought to whip out your Crocodile Dundee knife and say, "That's not a knife -- this is a knife!"

And make sure you carry a gun, in case all Aussies have knives like that.