Today, I suddenly awoke on the couch in the dark early-morning... - FML

By FireFarter - 30/8/2017 21:45 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I suddenly awoke on the couch in the dark early-morning hours to the pungent odor of something burning. I ran all throughout the house looking for a fire but there was no sign of it. Exhausted, I crashed back down on the couch and let one rip. It had been me. FML

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Business savvy

Higher standards

Mixed signals

By Bribri - 18/11/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

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By argh - 13/3/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML

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By loueb17 - 15/2/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML

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By umm...no - 31/10/2016 14:33 - United States - Keller

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2012 10:42 - Australia

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

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By FML - 8/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By hale_551 - 11/9/2015 16:34

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 17:53 - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

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By EdgardoP - 26/6/2012 15:08 - United States - Allentown

Today, I got a cramp while swimming. It took the lifeguard 5 minutes to stop flirting with a girl before trying to help me. FML

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By soupisyummy - 11/2/2012 19:20 - United States

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

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By aphre - 18/3/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By nomorefreehugs - 27/6/2011 23:34 - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

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By eiregal2 - 15/4/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

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By Piano999 - 21/2/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 7/1/2013 06:09 - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By Sorry - 3/3/2010 16:22 - Canada

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

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By Ecolo-girl - 11/3/2016 06:22 - France - Quint

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

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By very analytical - 26/6/2015 19:56 - United States - Ashland

Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

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By alexbobalex - 11/1/2010 07:23 - Aland Islands

Today, my mom found a pack of cigarettes in my pocket. She hates smoking, so she tore every single cigarette to pieces, then emptied a bag of kitty litter on them. On my bed. FML

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By Disgruntled - 18/4/2012 07:49 - United States - Jamestown

Today, it's been exactly two years since I got my last raise. And the amount I got still allows me the luxury of being able to afford a Snickers bar every month. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 11:26 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

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By AllieOops - 17/8/2011 09:14 - United States

Today, my roommate told me that unscented deodorant prevents ingrown hairs on the bikini line. She shared this beauty tip with me when I caught her using my Lady Speed Stick on her snatch. FML

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By kicking with love - 6/3/2020 21:10

FIFA 2020

Today, I was standing next to the girl I like while she was looking at her phone. She dropped it and I tried to save it by catching it with my foot. I ended up kicking it across the room, cracking the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, me, a coworker, and my manager were looking at random advertisements. One ad was a picture of three fishes. My coworker named the three fishes what I thought were completely random names. I said "those are stupid names." Turns out those are my manager's kid's names. FML

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By FASHlONABLE - 5/4/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

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By retard99 - 21/3/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

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By Chey - 22/3/2012 22:13 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By no touching - 6/3/2015 14:03 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

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By lizardhater - 12/3/2020 22:09 - Singapore

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML

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By deadmedia - 30/8/2009 00:39 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

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By mean mommy - 16/7/2019 12:30

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

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By QuicksilverMaximoff - 30/1/2011 14:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

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By Erin - 15/1/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 08:54 - United States

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

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By seriously wtf - 8/3/2013 03:18 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By oralMistake - 26/10/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

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By Anownimous - 18/9/2015 19:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 50-something coworker followed through on his threat to file a defamation lawsuit against me. All because I jokingly said "pedo" after he bragged to everyone that his girlfriend is a smoking hot 19-year-old. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7535707 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 22:30

¡Joly jalapeños, Fartman!

By Fritterzz | 13

#7535713 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 22:49

Too many flaming fajitas.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7535707 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 22:30

¡Joly jalapeños, Fartman!

By Fritterzz | 13

#7535713 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 22:49

Too many flaming fajitas.

By acmariner99 | 23

#7535726 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 23:00

Well that stinks

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7535743 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 23:24

This might be the human version of scaring yourself awake with a fart. Dogs do it all the time, humans very seldom do though.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7535751 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 23:58

Tell your friends that you have a new meat/fish smoker you want to try out.

By Tarlachia | 33

#7535798 - Thursday 31 August 2017 4:43

Fire in the bunghole!

By Madrias | 36

#7535823 - Thursday 31 August 2017 6:50

Well, you're only a bit of spicy food away from creating a fart rocket. Just be careful where you use your new intestinal superpowers, most people won't appreciate the expanding cloud of foul gas.

By davecross | 11

#7536049 - Thursday 31 August 2017 17:29

You must have had the burnt chicken for dinner last night

By jfsiv | 17

#7536183 - Friday 1 September 2017 0:33

What are you eating if your farts smell like a house on fire?