By Anonymous

Some people are just lazy

Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Really bugs me

Everyone's an expert

By our kids will be derps - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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By fmal - United States

Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2021 22:01 - United States

Shave it off, own it!

Today, like any other day for a year, I'm 17 years-old. Today, like any other day, I have my hair styled in a combover because I'm bald. FML

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By Brandee - Canada

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

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By danggit3290 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By Invisible - Canada

Today, I realized that the only time I've ever been noticed by my classmates is when I brought cake for the potluck. FML

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By curseyousuperman - United States - Conway

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

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By lauren - United States

Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word "No!" written all over my car. FML

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By Cameraman - Israel

Today, I got a reply from a women who's SD card I found 2 months ago and tried to give back. Yesterday I formatted it. FML

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By Iknoweverything - United States - Mankato

Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

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By Merlin - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

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By sisterofthebride - United States

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

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By Shameonme - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

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By NoPocketforme - 4/4/2021 00:30

Little shit

Today, I ate the last Hot Pocket in the house. My little brother threw a temper tantrum and poured a bucket of water all over my desk and Macbook. My mom’s response? “Aw he’s just a little boy.” My brother is 13. FML

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By unwed - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

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By atsukobo - 2/11/2020 22:59 - United States

Cover up

Today, after a nasty fight with my military husband, which resulted in mandatory marriage counseling, he told me we needed to talk about the fight. Not talk it over and apologize; talk it over so our stories are consistent when we see the therapist. FML

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By Anonyme - France - G?anges

Today, our 8-month-old son had a big cold and his nose was blocked. I couldn't find the baby nose pump in it's usual place, so I went to ask my husband. He had it in his hand, and was using to decorate the cake that was going to be served to tonight's guests, my parents. FML

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By Swaby - Hong Kong

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

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By buttsmcgee - United States - Roseburg

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

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By geli

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 20:01

At last

Today, on the third of February, my mom finally relented and let us take the Christmas decorations down. FML

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By ljcxo17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By Godhelpme - United States - Houston

Today, in a last ditch attempt to get away from my psycho coworker, I made my boss transfer me to another branch in the district. My coworker was immediately moved to that branch, because we "work well together". FML

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By taydean - United States

Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML

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By slcbabii23 - United States

Today, I realized how much I'm on the computer. I tried to "CTRL+Z" on something I wrote down on my paper. FML

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By jobless - United States - San Francisco

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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By Boneo and Juliet - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By "Shadley Chase Teladia" - South Africa - Johannesburg

Coincidence plays tricks on us!

Today, I finally got to meet the parents of the girl in which I have been dating for 3 months. I discovered that a month before we started dating, I had a one-night stand with her sister. And a week before that, I had a grinding session with her mother at a bar. No one is saying anything and her father is really bulky. FML

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By really_dad?

Today, I came out to my parents. After we had a talk about them accepting me, my dad said "now get out of here you little duck sucker." FML

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By NotAGoodStart - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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By weirded out - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

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By justmyluck5150 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By Aaron - United States

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asks me out. I say "sure" sarcastically. She then calls my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

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By Anonymous - France - M?rignac

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

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Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7474567 - Thursday 22 June 2017 0:50

The main question is: was he dead 3 hours earlier?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7474566 - Thursday 22 June 2017 0:49

Seems like a rather peaceful way to go though.

COMMENTS

By stinkfire0971 | 20

#7474559 - Thursday 22 June 2017 0:25

Oof

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7474566 - Thursday 22 June 2017 0:49

Seems like a rather peaceful way to go though.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7474567 - Thursday 22 June 2017 0:50

The main question is: was he dead 3 hours earlier?

Reply

Tiva Hope | 7

#7474578 - Thursday 22 June 2017 1:30

Right!!! Like did you witness the death or just after?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7474581 - Thursday 22 June 2017 1:35

Fuck YOUR life, indeed!

By hunterseal | 18

#7474585 - Thursday 22 June 2017 1:48

well how would you know? it's not your fault you didn't want to disturb him. it was his time , nothing you could have done three hours earlier would have prevented it. he died in nature not in a shitty hospital

Reply

GhostFox | 33

#7477346 - Thursday 29 June 2017 8:50

Unless he died from something he would have survived if he had gotten medical treatment. In which case he probably died scared, alone, and probably in pain.

By flute108 | 9

#7474593 - Thursday 22 June 2017 2:21

This sounds like the opening to Paper Towns by John Green

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7474714 - Thursday 22 June 2017 10:09

RIP mysterious man, RIP.

By Sandy Matthiessen | 7

#7474867 - Thursday 22 June 2017 20:05

wow

By I_Like_Boobs | 14

#7476939 - Wednesday 28 June 2017 9:07

Well that escalated fast lol