FML&#039;s Showdown #14

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

They're everywhere

By MM

25085

3636

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

By BoringFucker - United Kingdom

42277

4716

Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

By raynbowsend - Malaysia

54168

6708

Today, I was teaching my two year old daughter how to take a person's temperature. While I was sitting down, she came up behind me and shoved the thermometer in my ear hard. Now I can't hear out of my right ear, and I'm in excruciating pain. FML

By lovedbyallthewrongppl - United States

31065

13568

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

By bully slayer - Philippines - Pasay City

2890

192

Today, I reported in for my first day at work. When I walked in they asked "Who are you?" I answered "Cassie, it's my first day today" with a huge smile. They'd meant to call and offer the job to the other Cassie they interviewed. FML

By theothercassie

36439

2592

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying how I hated my job, I felt trapped, and that I was wasting my time working there. A few minutes later, she answered, "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML

By Ineverknew - United States

76606

7908

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

By Failed Artist - United States - Des Moines

21868

1719

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

By blinded - United States

16136

26728

Today, I lay in bed reflecting on my fiancé's complaint about my lack of displays of affection. I felt terrible, so I rolled over and hugged him in his sleep. He's a fully trained martial artist and his immediate reaction was to try to snap my neck. FML

By bruised - United States - Novi

23693

3010

Today, while doing some spring cleaning, I found the remains of my goldfish, which I was sure my cat ate last year. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Erie

42532

6459

Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

By Anonymous - United States

27670

2165

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

1075

137

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

1686

131

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

By jayden5 - United Kingdom

34244

9207

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

By cheated - United States

75742

4521

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

By Anonymous - Germany

Night terrors

26457

2488

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

By miiiiilk - United States

Superfuzz Big Muff

31528

9488

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

By woof woof?? - Canada - Sherwood Park

64777

9970

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 08:08

Assumptions

603

1534

Today, I had to call AAA for the fifth time in two months. When the driver got out, I instantly recognized him. It was the same guy who helped me out all the previous occasions. When he saw me, he snorted and doubled over laughing. FML

By big steve - United States

25731

6212

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

By Anonymous - United States

14524

43477

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

By stranded - United States

25600

7616

Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML

By Zapped - United States

6839

46231

Today, I'll be sleeping in my car for umpteenth time this year, because my psychotic wife is again convinced that I'm sleeping with practically every woman in my state. I'm too broke to pay for a divorce, and too embarrassed to go to a friend's house. FML

By agony - United States

36933

5859

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

By JEalmon12

781

1684

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML

By Queenbee26 - United States

5087

518

Today, my boyfriend saw me without make-up for the first time we've been dating for two years. He freaked because he didn't know who I was. FML

By Anonymous

1071

2529

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

By Pouya - United States

11735

42739

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

By anon - United States

53868

8795

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

By lohandork - United Kingdom - Roehampton

7135

11045

Today, my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. FML

By Mikey832 - United Kingdom

46780

14754

Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it's okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML

By Munkeh - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Faithful

40381

4031

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

By depressednupset - United States

42438

8205

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

By Anonymous - United States

58525

7528

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

22859

37552

Today, a great job I have been wanting to apply for opened for applications. Turns out it requires a clean background with no credit issues. I recently got a notice saying my wife and I are being sued over an unpaid $140 medical bill that she neglected to pay. FML

By Adios Career - United States

24029

2138

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

By Anonymous

4040

258

Today, it was my court date for a car accident I was involved in back in July. I had spent months preparing a case to prove my innocence. I was scheduled to appear at 10:00 this morning. I woke up at 10:15AM. FML

By CWoah - Canada

14004

69776

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

By kismet_fire - United States - San Francisco

34731

2697