FML&#039;s Showdown #14

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

Billy no-mates

True hero

Deep-seated resentment

By notbrowsingnow - 8/5/2014 23:46 - United States

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Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 19:00 - United States - Point Pleasant Beach

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Today, we had an emergency lock down drill. The closest room to me was the bathroom, so I rushed in and went into one of the stalls, like I was supposed to only to find out that a girl in the stall next to me was shitting. And it didn't seem like she was going to be done anytime soon. FML

By yeetyeet - 6/1/2019 12:00

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Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 02:29 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

By VoodooPriestess - 4/7/2019 04:00

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Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

By blabla - 28/10/2011 13:30 - Brazil

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Today, my boyfriend said, "One day I'll tell my children how I met you. I mean, our children." It's pretty cute, except for the fact that we're 17 and have been dating for only two weeks. FML

By StillAVirgin - 17/10/2016 15:23 - Denmark

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Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 14:52 - United States - San Francisco

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2002

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

By Jessica - 19/10/2012 01:57 - United States

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Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML

By Why Me? - 31/1/2013 09:07 - United States - Scranton

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Today, my fiancé and I decided to have a romantic rendezvous on the trampoline in our backyard. Or at least it was romantic, until I accidentally rolled off and all but crushed our dog. FML

By Jacklyn - 18/3/2012 19:18 - United States - Chicago

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Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

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Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

By TriangularBanana - 6/5/2016 21:45 - United States - Cypress

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Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

By Samprib - 1/6/2013 05:09 - United States - Indianapolis

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Today, I found out what its like to have your boyfriend's mom find your hidden stash of condoms in your car, then spend the next two hours shopping with her. Alone. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 06:30 - United States

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Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

By Hotdogwater - 29/12/2016 13:33

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Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website. FML

By WTF - 26/10/2010 16:55 - United States

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Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2018 15:00

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Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

By thankshun13 - 7/9/2012 02:45 - United Kingdom

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Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

By kitkat - 17/9/2014 19:48 - United States

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Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

By Username - 3/3/2010 16:34 - France

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Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

By IHateMyJob - 14/9/2010 02:00 - United States

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Today, I finally came out to my family as a lesbian. My grandma then told me I'm just going through a phase because I finally realized I'm not pretty or skinny enough to get a man. FML

By theawesome129 - 24/3/2013 10:20 - Canada

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Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

By Bob - 12/11/2010 03:55 - United States

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Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

By nuberific - 5/3/2009 18:45 - Canada

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Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

By cody4prez - 15/7/2016 18:23

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Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

By gross - 9/4/2015 16:00 - United States - Muskegon

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Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

By - 10/1/2020 18:00

Volcanic eruption

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Today, uncertain of having a job next month or being able to pay rent, I'm filling out tens of online surveys a day for gift cards to McDonald's, to buy hamburgers that I can freeze so I will have food for the coming months. FML

By willtype4food - 10/9/2012 00:45 - Finland

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Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

By geek - 22/7/2015 03:02 - United States - Lynnwood

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Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

By Forever sad - 6/10/2011 00:55 - United States

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Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

By anna - 22/12/2011 21:25 - France

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Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

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Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

By Fffhjno - 28/9/2016 18:15 - United States - Providence

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Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 01:00

Fast and Furious

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Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

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Today, I hit rock bottom; I watched one of those shitty infomercial channels, without even being forced into it at gunpoint. Even worse is that I practically creamed myself over a damn fruit juicer, all because it was 50% off and I could actually afford it. FML

By The Rock's arse - 4/7/2014 20:29 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

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Today, my roommate confided in me that she hadn't been taking showers while at school because she was afraid of being in the shower when the fire alarm goes off. She goes home once every month, and will only shower there. I have to live with her for the rest of the year. FML

By Utterly_Confused - 7/10/2015 22:07 - United States - Beaver

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Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML

By NaniNarcotic - 16/8/2011 10:17 - Australia

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Today, I was waiting in line to use the bathroom. I complained to the guy next to me about how long the lady was taking. I kept making jokes about it, but he never seemed to laugh. Finally, the door opened and out came a lady in a wheelchair. The guy next to me was her husband. FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 17:12 - United States

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