Transportation: Today, while heading outside to go to work, I slip on my driveway... - FML

By ProFesser

Today, while heading outside to go to work, I slip on my driveway and my coffee thermos-mug ends up flying out of my hand, and smashes my next door neighbor's brand new truck window. The thermos-mug broke and splashed hot coffee all over his seats too. He's a hard-ass military dude. FML

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BO Central

Clean up in aisle 3 please

Always check for tits

By JulleandCici - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

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By abbacjt - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

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By Harry Dare - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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By outofluckdude - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a group of friends when I got into a conversation with this really attractive girl who I've liked for months. She asked me what school I go to. I sit to her left in biology. FML

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By Fml - United States - Lynn

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

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By CarrieRedburn - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By Coaldust

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

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By creepystalkerguy - United States

Today, a woman yelled at me to stop following her around the store. We were in IKEA. The only way to get through the store is to follow the arrows through a one-way path. Apparently, no one informed her of this. FML

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By pacelily - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Keys, how do they work?

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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By jamisbetter - United Kingdom

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, I was late to work because the metro broke down. Yesterday I was late to work because the train in front of me broke down. The week before that I was late to work because the swat team shut the entire metro station down. Even the interns think I'm making this up. FML

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By 713 - United States

Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Seeing is believing

Today, while taking a shower, I thought that the bathroom was extra steamy because of all the hot water. It wasn't until two-three minutes later when I put some shampoo in my hair that I realized I had forgotten to take my glasses off. FML

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By fuckmyhair

Stuck

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Russell Springs

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML

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By acincollege - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

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By happytuckerhappy - United States - Chandler

Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML

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By not jacked - United States - East Hartford

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

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By Unloved. - New Zealand

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

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By Groom - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By imnotcrying

Today, I signed into the Netflix account that I pay for, only to see that my ex had added a new profile for his new girlfriend. We’ve only been separated for two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 23:02 - Germany

Good boy

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food and continue cuddling. FML

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By JWhite - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

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By Joe - Canada

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

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By Hairy Cheek - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

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By whoawhat - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

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By toazt - United States

Today, after my marching band's performance, the girls had to change out of our uniforms in a very dark school bathroom. Someone turned on the lights and I realized that more than a dozen roaches had crawled into my skinny jeans. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By Claire - United States - Parkville

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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By weddinggirl - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

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By Harry - United States

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad. We went to the edge of a cliff to "relieve ourselves". He peed and it came and hit me in the face, he did it on purpose. So, I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

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Top comments

By CrazyChiC42 | 10

#7430674 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 16:26

Don't make it worse. Tell him immediately so you can clean up the coffee before it stains. It is far better than having a hardass military guy believing you broke his window and stained seats on purpose.

By BrianCMullin | 3

#7430754 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 20:20

Yeah so a pebble can hit my windshield at 40 mph and do nothing but a thermos falling out of your hand can smash through it and pour all of the contents out? Not believeable. I hate when lies get posted

COMMENTS

By readingrachel | 9

#7430656 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 16:06

Deny deny deny

By Cynical_1 | 26

#7430673 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 16:26

Tell him it was a terrorist drive by.

By CrazyChiC42 | 10

#7430674 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 16:26

Don't make it worse. Tell him immediately so you can clean up the coffee before it stains. It is far better than having a hardass military guy believing you broke his window and stained seats on purpose.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7430713 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 18:35

Aw, I'm sorry. You're gonna get fragged.

By ashilyy24 | 8

#7430751 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 20:15

That is the most unfortunate thing.

By BrianCMullin | 3

#7430754 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 20:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

hey_micky | 8

#7431594 - Thursday 30 March 2017 10:21

well mine is made from stainless steel so it absolutely could break a window

By HalfLit | 17

#7430774 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 20:53

What the hell is that mug made of that it broke through a windshield?

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needagoodlaugh | 34

#7430784 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 21:14

If the window already had a weak spot and the mug hit it just right it could cause it to break. The odds are low but that's what bad luck is all about.

Reply

kirkaygri | 18

#7430796 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 21:34

They didn't say windshield...

Reply

ArmyVet1 | 16

#7431476 - Thursday 30 March 2017 4:09

probably a yeti. They're extremely strong and durable

By Etweens96 | 24

#7430803 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 21:45

Just go ahead let him know, apologize and offer to pay for the damage. It's best you be up front about it instead of being scared and not

By SouperMan14 | 4

#7430859 - Tuesday 28 March 2017 23:34

I kinda believe OP because I have a metal coffee mug that's pretty dense and wouldn't surprise me if could break a window

By soulreaper12296 | 28

#7431116 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 16:07

Well you know, you could just tell him about it immediately and offer to pay for the window instead of worrying about how pissed he'll be because he's a "military hard-ass".