Sneaking Out

Today, I finally got a product I ordered 2 weeks ago as a free trial/ only pay shipping deal. Also today, the same company took an extra $130 out of my account without authorisation. Best part: when I called to sort things out, they told me they had no record of my order details. FML

Peaky Bladders

The Summoner

Time for the ER

By "96Ellie" - 11/3/2017 14:00

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Today, my cousin taught me how to make dinner. My cousin is in first grade and I'm in college. FML

By Anonymous - 10/6/2011 21:22 - United States

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Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML

By Sonofa - 17/5/2013 15:52 - Canada - Cold Lake

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Today, my mother got remarried. I am now officially older than my step-father. FML

By Stephie2009 - 30/10/2010 06:33 - United States

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Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

By KiwiMaid - 3/6/2016 10:31 - New Zealand - Wellington

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Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

By wellthisisbad - 29/2/2016 12:27 - United States - Boynton Beach

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Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

By bestiality, not even once - 14/6/2013 22:29 - Ireland - Waterford

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Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

By ihatepokemon - 22/7/2013 22:14 - United States

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Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 19:14 - United States

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Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

By MarieAmber18 - 28/5/2015 18:05 - United States - Pasadena

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Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML

By - 26/12/2019 01:00

The girl?

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Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

By Imgonnahaveabf - 5/1/2012 12:06 - United States

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Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was at the table with us, looked at me and said quietly, "You're ugly." My friend told him off, causing him to cry, and shout, "But she isn't pretty!" FML

By mimo - 14/11/2008 04:16 - France

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Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2009 19:22 - Canada

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Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

By TheFlash - 22/6/2009 01:15 - United States

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Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

By smarter than a mollusk, skinner than a hippo - 10/11/2010 17:33 - United States

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Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:28 - United States - Jamestown

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Today, my boyfriend called me and dumped me. Thirty minutes later he called asking for me back. When I asked why, he said "The other girl dumped me." FML

By life_isnt_fair - 9/3/2011 08:27 - United States

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Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2020 20:00

And today on Maury…

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Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

By wheezy - 3/12/2013 17:28 - United States - Bay Springs

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Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

By qyx3lmnop24 - 20/12/2014 07:33 - United States - Napa

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Today, I got an email saying the gift I'd ordered for my boyfriend of three years had been sent. I ordered it a couple of days ago because I thought he needed cheering up. I guess he found a better way of doing so himself; he broke up with me yesterday. FML

By moikristine - 21/5/2013 10:24 - Norway - Fagerstrand

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Today, while I was backing out of the my work's parking lot, I hit my boss's truck. While he was in it. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2010 19:50 - United States

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Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

By gir - 14/7/2011 19:35 - United States

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Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

By Flooded - 7/1/2010 18:38 - United States

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Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 10:34 - United States - Sanford

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Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 22:36 - United Kingdom - Grays

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Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:21 - Australia

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Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

By homelessagain - 18/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Lorain

Sue! SUE!

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Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

By what_the_hell - 20/6/2013 08:35 - Finland - Helsinki

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Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

By Anonymous - 17/8/2013 19:25 - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

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Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

By Creep - 28/3/2009 00:24 - Canada

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Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 16:44 - United States

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Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML

By FAIL - 8/9/2009 05:29 - United States

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Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

By WasntMe - 17/7/2013 23:15 - United States

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Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

By itendstonight - 9/8/2009 12:42 - Ireland

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Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

By Kate - 4/7/2011 19:06 - United States

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Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

By ELLI - 2/10/2017 04:30

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Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

By CreeptacularBait - 21/3/2018 15:00

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Today, I hit a new low in my diet. There was a danish sitting on the table in the break room at work, and I wanted it. At the end of day, one of the guys threw it into the dumpster. Guess who just ate a dumpster danish. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2017 17:08

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