Sneaking Out

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

Sorry…

Good kid

QAnon weirdoes

By #isthisthepoundkey? - United States - Deltona

46476

4306

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

48615

8536

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

By xrebeccalou - United States

33372

4330

Today, I was trying to teach my Aunt and Gran to use Google drive to share and upload pictures, when I scrolled past an image of my… yep. I didn't have a mirror when the pic was taken and I was concerned about a sore. Now they just think I'm a whore. FML

By Anonymous

TMI

1266

485

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

By rescuetheduck - Finland - Joensuu

33824

7243

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

By SingleWorker - United States

36054

2756

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

By Anonymous - United States

11004

41912

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

By JZ - New Zealand

33840

13135

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Coshocton

18865

1901

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

By a_dani365 - United States - Omaha

23433

9592

Today, I went to Houston to help with hurricane relief and to donate supplies. Later, I realized that I'd accidentally donated a bag that had my brand new truck keys in it. I've been waiting for 5 hours already to find it. FML

By Jimmy Joe

3375

840

Today, the entire back room of Walmart smelled like cat piss. No one else complained, as they all claimed they couldn’t smell a thing under their masks. I, on the other hand, have a headache and nausea from the overpowering scent despite my mask. FML

By lilyann - 24/12/2020 08:01 - United States - San Jose

Who knows?

711

Today, I got up the courage to go to a nice place for lunch alone. I wasn't expecting the tilapia I ordered to be the whole fish, so I asked the waiter for a box because, "I forgot about an appointment in 20 minutes," just so he wouldn't think I was an idiot who didn't know what I was ordering. FML

By DumbFish

3737

967

Today, marks almost two years of being sexually inactive after being widowed. It also happened to be the day I made an uncharacteristic decision. I hooked up with a male friend. I'm so out of practice, I honestly believe round-two the next morning was out of pity more than actual interest. FML

By Staywidowed - 8/4/2021 23:00

Give it your best shot

932

172

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

By heightdifference - United States - Memphis

48952

5909

Today, I once again had to clean up a shower and bathroom covered in feces, because of client with incontinence. It smelt so bad that I couldn’t hide my reaction; the client saw my face and I could see the embarrassment on theirs. I spent the rest of the day feeling like an asshole. FML

By MentalHealthWorker - 17/9/2020 02:05

True hero

1439

199

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

By Unclean

Missing the point

1761

204

Today, I volunteered for a school play. During rehearsal, I was playing the part of an average housewife. The teacher asked for a volunteer to be my husband. Thirty seconds go by and no one raises their hand. The teacher ended up playing the part because no else wanted to. FML

By xXitslolaXX - United States

Rejection

21979

2572

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn't have time to text me back, but he does have time to post an entire Facebook album dedicated to cats. FML

By JJBones - Canada - Red Deer

28002

4748

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

By effiestonem154 - United States

40244

2843

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

By TheLastGreatDope - United States - Winchester

5271

438

Today, I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. FML

By sad - United States

36893

8328

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

27194

3654

Today, I was telling my sister about the stupid sorts of questions I get asked at work. She looked at me and said "I give you five years until you turn into a raging, chain-smoking corporate bitch." My mom agreed. FML

By ams - United States

23447

4336

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

By MamaMia

2573

609

Today, I told my girlfriend that one of my intellectually challenged friends now holds an engineering position at an aircraft company. She wasn't a fan of flying before, and now refuses to set foot anywhere near any aircraft of any kind. FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 23:02

Freaked out

633

196

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

By who_cares - United States - Garden Grove

33443

10682

Today, after making several comments about how I didn't exactly look thin, my boyfriend said, "Well, at least we know you'll look good pregnant." FML

By Cheer4Life - United States - Bloomington

46070

10155

Today, I was so lonely I called my stalker ex-boyfriend. He was too busy to talk. FML

By LonelyAF

2373

4231

Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML

By Celina - United States

28691

5324

Today, a lady told me I looked like Paul McCartney in his youth. With that little confidence boost, I told my girlfriend. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that she didn't know who Paul McCartney is, or how she is now obsessively Googling pictures of him and is practically drooling. FML

By faul - 26/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

867

149

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

By nofinal - United States

8275

30498

Today, I auditioned for my school's production of Romeo and Juliet. When they announced that I got the part as Juliet, all the guys auditioning for Romeo suddenly disappeared. FML

By Juliet

46870

5907

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

By Yocherrypicker

13142

5921

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

By reesemaster - United States

32129

9824

Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML

By snore - Mexico - Mexico

46580

5598

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

By Anonymous

12857

897

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some lean pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

By Anonymous - United States

24154

40820

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his cell, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me "he was so sad that we broke up." I didn't know. FML

By Anonymous - Denmark

36498

2474

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

By 3some? uh, no - Dominican Republic

13213

33014