By mandy - United States

Selected

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, when suddenly at the end of dinner he gets down on one knee, takes out an engagement ring, and says, "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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Engagement ring

Vulture

Commando

Mother of the year

By sickpuppy

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom - Isleworth

Hello, Goodbye

Today, I left my job, fulfilling my one month's notice after receiving a job offer from a much better-paying role. After saying goodbye to everyone, I left the building. Not 2 minutes later, the company who was offering the new job called to say they'd changed their minds, and there was now no longer a job on offer. FML

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By skinsfan7592 - United States

Today, my dad and I had an argument. Then we went outside to shovel the snow out of the driveway. I heard him yelling and figured he was just yelling at me some more, so I turned my iPod up so I couldn't hear him anymore. Turns out he had fallen, cracked a rib, and needed help up. FML

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By nubbins - Canada

Today, I got a message from my ex saying how sorry he was for everything he did. He also said that if he wasn't getting married and having a kid we could still be together. We broke up a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By number2 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

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By ohgosh1428

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

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By I hate retail - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

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By MWT77 - United States - Chicago

Today, I came home from my aunt's funeral to find my basement flooded due to a sewer backup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML

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By Steph - United States

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

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By Jimbob - 28/9/2020 17:01 - United States - Austin

Facts, feelings…

Today, I went on a first date. It started out OK, but halfway through he began "debating" me, talking just like Ben Shapiro. I thought he was joking, or at least satirising the worst way you could talk during a date. I was wrong; he was serious. I'm still not sure what set him off, but I couldn't get a word in edgeways in after that. FML

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By Muralove - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

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By allwaysbuggedinheaven - United States

Today, I returned home to find out that my new and very expensive computer had overheated. I confronted my mom, and she told me that she had covered up the fan because she didn't like the noise. FML

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By SprinklerDodger - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

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By Chris - France

Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML

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By cigarettes - United States

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

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By ohshat - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

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By Thepunchline - United Kingdom

Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

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By Manstobe92 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

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By Anonymous

Pleasant smell

Today, while watching TV in my dorm, I clearly heard my roommate yell to someone proudly, "I've only taken a shower 4 or 5 times since I've been here." He's been my roommate for four months. FML

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By JackieD - United States - Bellevue

Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 23:10

Great guy

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

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By Vomitron - 2/4/2021 00:30

Let it all out

Today, I spent an hour and twenty minutes throwing up at a toilet from a shopping mall because I ate rotten food without realizing it. At least during that time I made two new friends, a gay couple who were making out in the next toilet cubicle. FML

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By PrincessCrippled

Today, a close friend tried to kill me by running me over with her car. Why? Because I didn't want to share the pain meds I had due to a third-degree burn. My leg is now broken in 3 places, my ankle is shattered, and I have to use a walker because I'm too clumsy for crutches. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Side effects

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

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By thesixth - Kenya

Today, I got fired for being late. Apparently you're supposed to be on time after your boss specifically tells you that the office will open an hour late. FML

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By Rob - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

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By Zero_TAlent_ - United States - Gettysburg

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

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By Salaryman - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

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By JN5SLK - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

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Top comments

By Therebepeople | 13

#7454963 - Monday 15 May 2017 6:33

Electrifying.

By Ireland3 | 20

#7540508 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 1:58

that is a life goal right there.

COMMENTS

By Therebepeople | 13

#7454963 - Monday 15 May 2017 6:33

Electrifying.

By Ireland3 | 20

#7540508 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 1:58

that is a life goal right there.

By Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7737516 - Friday 14 December 2018 6:21

I wouldn’t keep you after this reaction. It’s cute.

By kellicfan | 7

#7931353 - Sunday 16 August 2020 0:55

I would love to get proposed like that.