By anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Secret sex

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

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Season finale

A mother's love…

Our House

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By Ob3nie - United States - San Francisco

Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a face time. Busted. FML

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By Anonymous

Checked out

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

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By Spinster - United States - Brush

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

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By Greenskies - France - Corneilla-del-vercol

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

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By plantfood - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

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By chiktikka - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

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By that guy - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my phone ever rings is because someone needs help with their computer. FML

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By stop thief - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apopka

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend peed her pants while we were sledding. I could feel it trickling down into my pants. FML

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By Stuby14 - United States - Brookings

Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML

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By badmombadkids - 24/5/2020 02:00

Assholes, assholes everywhere

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

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By ugh - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

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By RheaDitto

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML

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By Xerfox - Germany - L?wenstein

Today, I found out the German I've been learning for nearly a month is a dialect only spoken by people in a small area of the country. This means I'll need to re-learn most of what I thought I knew. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

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By dumped - United States

You tried

Today, I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend walk in. I struck my sexiest pose and when he came in, he looked me up and down and told me, "You look like my mother." Thanks. FML

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By MSURebel70 - United States

Today, I found out I've been incorrectly sorting thousands of papers for the past two weeks. My boss wanted them sorted by date, but the co-worker who instructed me said to sort them into alphabetical order just to watch me fail. FML

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By NotAThief

Swiper No Swiping!

Today, I got a talking-to at work from my new manager for eating other peoples' lunches. Immediately afterwards, I watched my manager leave the room, take MY lunch, and begin eating it. Apparently my new manager is the thief, and I'm now the office pariah who gets the blame. Nobody believes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

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By SilkySmooth

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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By blow me - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By NorwegianMadman

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

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By Creeped - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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By sociallyawkward - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

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By Chihuahuanope - United States - Lincoln

An Expensive Snack

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

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By lbelle - Canada - Montreal

Today, my right ear drum ruptured. My family doesn't understand that I only lost hearing in one ear and continues to talk about me behind my back, thinking I can't hear them. FML

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By supergingerr11 - United States

Today, I was supposed to have a double date. My date didn't show. I spent my day in the living room waiting for the pizza guy while my best friend and her boyfriend made out. The pizza guy never showed either. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 11:01

Bad day?

Today, after waking up to a spilled bottle of juice on my clothes, I heard my ex died. Whilst baking cookies to distract myself, I melted my work laptop on the toaster. FML

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By Liz - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML

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By - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7863553 - Sunday 1 December 2019 16:37

So....was it a magical experience?

By QueenSaru | 28

#7863564 - Sunday 1 December 2019 18:06

I mean, if it was Jude Law era Dumbledore, no one blames you.

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7863553 - Sunday 1 December 2019 16:37

So....was it a magical experience?

By Briarpatch | 20

#7863556 - Sunday 1 December 2019 17:04

The wording is confusing. Did you have sex with Dumbledore more than once during a single dream, or did you have several separate dreams about sex with Dumbledore? Neither one is really an FML or a YDI. It's just a thing. Are you afraid that you're secretly turned on by older bearded men? Sex dreams aren't always sexy or titillating. If older bearded men turn you on, you would already know about it. And if they do, what's the big deal in it? Your personal turn-ons are your personal turn-ons. So what?

Reply

dozyrosy | 1

#7864933 - Saturday 7 December 2019 6:07

they're probably just grossed out man

By QueenSaru | 28

#7863564 - Sunday 1 December 2019 18:06

I mean, if it was Jude Law era Dumbledore, no one blames you.

By Susan Yee | 9

#7863614 - Sunday 1 December 2019 22:13

With the young or old Dumbledore?

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7863674 - Monday 2 December 2019 3:18

Oh so it was you that killed him and not snape

By LP13413 | 8

#7863680 - Monday 2 December 2019 4:46

Did he use his Elder Wand on you?

By Mathalamus | 24

#7863840 - Monday 2 December 2019 18:23

Well, that took a left turn.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7864197 - Wednesday 4 December 2019 2:22

You "Potterheads" are a bunch of freaks.

By Jonkbaby | 20

#7864746 - Friday 6 December 2019 10:03

you shall not pass!!

By Adam Scully | 2

#7866297 - Thursday 12 December 2019 2:14

Ten points to Gryffindor!!!!