By anonymous - 1/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Secret sex

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

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Work name

Tidy your room

Headache

By phishy - 5/3/2015 22:26 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By superman_not - 10/6/2009 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to play the role of superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

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By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By B-377 - 23/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Sarver

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 03:55 - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 17:00

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

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By notacreeper - 6/4/2011 00:00

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was "Does she know?" FML

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By water fail - 28/1/2016 11:42 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

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By max - 23/10/2014 23:30 - United States

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2018 20:30

Today, my excruciating ear pain turned out to be a bastard maggot eating away at all the vital things behind my eardrum. The doctor pulled it out, but I’m now permanently deaf in that ear and can’t balance. I fall if I try to stand or walk further than 5 feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2016 18:01 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 19:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By Mazzam - 19/11/2008 11:33 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she bought for me. I said joking: "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

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By BulldogHoops - 12/11/2012 05:12 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I decided to buy a meal for a homeless man who was being shunned at an intersection. When I went to hand it to him, I realized it was my dad, wearing a tattered old shirt and pretending to be homeless to make some money. FML

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By scardeycat13 - 8/1/2012 05:38 - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared I passed out. I was only on the kiddy hill. FML

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By dogwheels - 20/12/2011 11:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

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By notakeeper - 3/1/2014 03:50 - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

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By Stupid - 20/4/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML

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By fuckyouharddad - 15/4/2014 19:24 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go". FML

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By "Courtney Edwards" - 30/6/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - Cwmbran

Today, I was taking care of the general public as a first aider in a massive event. Since the temperature was high, we were expecting many of the older-than-middle-aged women to collapse of heat exhaustion and need to be treated. I didn't realise I would be one of those affected. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2016 07:27 - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2016 17:04 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I had to spend a long bus ride with my chest pressed against the window, because some mammoth of a woman decided to squeeze her double wide ass into my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 21:56 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

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By single now - 26/2/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

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By prego - 30/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By JSF1234 - 11/5/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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By fox_at_heart - 30/9/2016 02:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

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By Stepheroni - 13/4/2017 18:00

Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML

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By ImprovTeacher - 16/6/2019 14:05

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2015 23:49 - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By kittykat033 - 8/3/2014 17:19 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I started at my new job. My manager, upon meeting me, hugged me and sniffed my neck, then commented that I smelled "natural" and told me how much he loves that. I have to work with this creep until god knows when. FML

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By - 18/1/2017 20:00

Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML

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By thehumanshield - 5/8/2011 08:41 - United States

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 12:20 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

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By annabellebyebye - 16/8/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided to finally buy one now that I have my own apartment. It turns out I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By wtf dad - 22/7/2020 23:00

Property law

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

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By xJade2012x - 24/11/2011 07:58 - United States

Today, in my karate dojo, I was being taught how to fall properly. My sensei instructed us not to fall with our hands out because it could sprain our wrists. As I was getting ready to help demonstrate a backwards break fall, I actually fell over. Guess where my hands went. FML

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By NoctisMax - 25/12/2016 06:47 - United States - Humble

Today, I was caught doing it with my boyfriend in a car because we wanted to have privacy from my family. I'm a grown adult with my own home. FML

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By sotired - 5/3/2013 19:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my neighbour's puppy has developed separation anxiety. Every time my neighbour leaves for work, the puppy constantly whines and barks until he gets home. He works night shifts. FML

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Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7863553 - Sunday 1 December 2019 16:37

So....was it a magical experience?

By QueenSaru | 27

#7863564 - Sunday 1 December 2019 18:06

I mean, if it was Jude Law era Dumbledore, no one blames you.

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7863553 - Sunday 1 December 2019 16:37

So....was it a magical experience?

By Briarpatch | 20

#7863556 - Sunday 1 December 2019 17:04

The wording is confusing. Did you have sex with Dumbledore more than once during a single dream, or did you have several separate dreams about sex with Dumbledore? Neither one is really an FML or a YDI. It's just a thing. Are you afraid that you're secretly turned on by older bearded men? Sex dreams aren't always sexy or titillating. If older bearded men turn you on, you would already know about it. And if they do, what's the big deal in it? Your personal turn-ons are your personal turn-ons. So what?

Reply

dozyrosy | 1

#7864933 - Saturday 7 December 2019 6:07

they're probably just grossed out man

By QueenSaru | 27

#7863564 - Sunday 1 December 2019 18:06

I mean, if it was Jude Law era Dumbledore, no one blames you.

By Susan Yee | 9

#7863614 - Sunday 1 December 2019 22:13

With the young or old Dumbledore?

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7863674 - Monday 2 December 2019 3:18

Oh so it was you that killed him and not snape

By LP13413 | 8

#7863680 - Monday 2 December 2019 4:46

Did he use his Elder Wand on you?

By Mathalamus | 24

#7863840 - Monday 2 December 2019 18:23

Well, that took a left turn.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7864197 - Wednesday 4 December 2019 2:22

You "Potterheads" are a bunch of freaks.

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7864746 - Friday 6 December 2019 10:03

you shall not pass!!

By Adam Scully | 2

#7866297 - Thursday 12 December 2019 2:14

Ten points to Gryffindor!!!!