Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner...

By Noname - 22/2/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

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Money

This ain't working out

Reliable

Last dates

By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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By OverIt - 25/2/2014 22:24 - United States - Winchester

Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML

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By ko - 3/1/2015 17:53

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd come over and help me move a heavy dresser so I could paint the wall behind it. After an hour of waiting for him, I decided to move it myself. He finally arrived, not ten minutes after I broke my toe when I accidentally dropped the dresser on it. FML

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By brokeandalone - 30/7/2013 05:09 - United States

Today, I noticed fraudulent charges made in Florida that nearly drained my bank account. After reporting the fraud to the bank, I returned home from a weekend away to find a note from my husband. He and his mistress have run off to Florida to start a life together, apparently at my expense. FML

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By jello_bellied_snack_snapper - 23/4/2018 16:00

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

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By fabz - 27/11/2015 12:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

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By Jobless - 10/12/2016 03:35

Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML

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By zawbentley - 26/9/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response: "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

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By Lalalala - 6/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Post-it

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By thereisnobaby - 6/10/2016 11:55 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

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By sadgf - 29/3/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling on bed watching tv. He gets up at one point and turns the light off and I asked him why. He said "You look better in the dark". FML

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By Uhmm... - 13/5/2011 23:06 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

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By arianelagolden - 4/8/2016 07:27

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

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By abrooks88 - 8/2/2012 16:53 - United States

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2013 16:12 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

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By IPityTheStool - 9/6/2011 13:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I used the staff toilets at school. As I sat down, I heard a sudden plop, followed by the stench of diarrhoea from the next cubicle. It was followed by a "I do apologise!" It was my English teacher. And we continued to chat. FML

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By BobsBabe2 - 24/10/2012 05:15 - United States

Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML

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By Pugsley - 30/8/2019 14:02 - Australia

Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML

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By barbie - 18/5/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he said, "Heaviest in back." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 04:24 - United States

Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML

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By Daddy_issues - 2/6/2018 05:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

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By "baow" - 17/3/2019 14:00

Today, I met this girl on a party and things were going really well. We ended up getting it on in my room and I was about to do my thing after confidently have had bragging the whole night that I was the inspiration of the 50 shades of Grey series. Well guess who got a whiskey dick. FML

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By teejayrn - 18/12/2012 10:03

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2018 15:30

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

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By GrossLump - 27/5/2019 16:09

Today, I was swimming at the beach. At the end of the day, I felt a huge hard lump in between my toes. When I looked closer and pushed on it, it sounded and felt exactly like a bean bag. I had a blister from the day before and it had filled with sand. I had to cut it open to pour the sand out. FML

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By emmamrose7 - 15/8/2014 03:36 - United States - Vista

Today, I tried skydiving for the first time. The professional I was attached to had a boner the whole way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 09:45 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By vanity113 - 13/6/2013 04:04 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I woke up early to travel to the office headquarters 3.5 hours away for important meetings. After waking up at 5.30am, picking up all my colleagues and driving 40 min out of town, I realised I was wearing my woolen house slippers. They were the only pair of shoes I'd brought on the trip. FML

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By firethorn - 20/6/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

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By gaga - 22/5/2012 07:34 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

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By robotchickens - 10/3/2010 19:54 - United States

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2009 00:22 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. We just said we were tired from moving house. Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. We heard everything. Loud and clear. FML

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By aubrey - 14/10/2017 01:30

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

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By carr - 4/3/2011 16:25 - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 08:02 - New Zealand

Great gift idea!

Today, it was my birthday and my first present was finding out that my girlfriend of five years has been cheating on me. FML

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By Josie - 21/2/2011 07:46 - Australia

Today, I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. FML

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By no booze, no boyfriend - 4/6/2013 20:31 - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML

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By drreeeewwww - 25/11/2014 20:44 - United States - Salem

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

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By Immaculatedream - 27/7/2013 07:56 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

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Top comments

By bobdole | 0

#5162 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:16

you deserve that one alone for paying $170. it makes you even more of an idiot for not getting the right date on it.

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#5164 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:20

i'm sorry but if you cant remember to change your dob then you probably shouldn't be drinking

COMMENTS

By bobdole | 0

#5162 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:16

you deserve that one alone for paying $170. it makes you even more of an idiot for not getting the right date on it.

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#5164 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:20

i'm sorry but if you cant remember to change your dob then you probably shouldn't be drinking

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#5168 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:24

FAIL

By mleeb | 0

#5169 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:24

complete moron. thank you for posting this.

By pepsinogen | 0

#5170 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:26

DARWIN! :) no ... really...

By awefjio | 0

#5213 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:26

FAIL

peacheso | 31

#6237153 - Thursday 19 March 2015 15:43

Use the button

By fml2424 | 0

#5218 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:32

why are people idiots for getting fake IDs?

Mads_1234 | 28

#5308892 - Friday 4 January 2013 22:15

This person didn't change their DoB, which is the point of getting a fake ID

By VexVisnu | 0

#5251 - Sunday 22 February 2009 7:02

You should just get drunk at a friends place. Get one of your friends that's 21 to get the booze.

ki087 | 20

#6348548 - Sunday 12 July 2015 14:06

or, you know, just wait til you are 21 like a responsible person.

By taraaa_fml | 4

#5281 - Sunday 22 February 2009 8:18

glad the legal age is 18 here

By nofyourlife | 0

#5289 - Sunday 22 February 2009 8:35

the legal age in holland is 16. they've got the right idea if you ask me. i've grown up in america but traveled a lot, and honestly, the only place i ever hear of high profile problems with teenagers and alcohol is america.