By Anonymous - United States

Criminal Minds

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Walk on the wild side

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 05:00

Fixed

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

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By and she doesn't even give bjs - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

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By sickday

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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By

Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States - San Mateo

Compassionate dad, huh?

Today, I was having an emotional breakdown. I'm unhappy a lot and don't know why. It's very confusing. My dad yelled at me, telling me, "You have no right to be sad!" I'm even more confused now. Help. FML

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By CreeperKiller2000

Dude! Come on!

Today, I woke up really out of it, and as I was walking into the kitchen, I stubbed my toe on a tile. I sat down, then got up and stubbed the same toe against the table, went over to the kitchen and stubbed the same toe on the same tile again. FML

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By ForgottenAgain - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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By JurassicHole - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

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By lds124 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML

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By nocat6 - United States - Northville

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

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By howard1954 - 27/10/2020 17:02

Where are you?

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to take him 30 minutes away to meet his friends so he could go fishing, adding that they wouldn't be gone all night. I dropped him off 13 hours ago, and he doesn't have a phone. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

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By he's still not convinced - United States

Today, while visiting my mother, she asked my son who his favorite parent was. As a growing boy, he chose his father. I don't mind, except she then asked, "So, whose side are you taking in the divorce?" My husband and I have no marital issues. My son refuses to believe us. FML

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By jennlikewhoa - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

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By WellGroomed - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my housemate walked out of the bathroom with my toothbrush in his mouth and asked, "You're not one of those people who cares if someone uses their toothbrush, are you?" FML

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By butterbody - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a coffee shop. As I headed over to stand in line, I tripped over my own feet. I got back up, then tripped up yet again. Everyone was staring, and I was so mortified that I went to leave. I then struggled with the door under their glares before realising it opened the other way. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

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By twinArmageddon2 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

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By tracey - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

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By afraidofcans - United States - Stafford

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

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By BCBUDDY - United States

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

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By Passtheicecream

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By help me! - United Kingdom

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

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By upsetandunjustified - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

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By Turdfoot - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

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By Ew-dles

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By Username - France

Today, after telling me his other girlfriend is pregnant, my boyfriend said we should stay together so I could help out with the baby. FML

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By Alittlebitiffy - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

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By Justme - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By FattestUgliestPerson - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

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Top comments

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7844406 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 0:23

Your "friend" better be paying for that hospital bill. Then put her in the hospital.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7844417 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:18

that's attempted murder.

COMMENTS

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7844406 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 0:23

Your "friend" better be paying for that hospital bill. Then put her in the hospital.

By Cody Engelke | 11

#7844408 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 0:57

Wow. And I thought my friend wasn't the nicest guy around.

By doomsdayaddams | 6

#7844415 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:09

Your friend is a dangerous sociopath. Run. Seriously.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7844417 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:18

that's attempted murder.

Reply

blondie45 | 21

#7844992 - Friday 20 September 2019 6:20

My thoughts precisely!

By Jason Jennings | 3

#7844418 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:18

Then I must say your friend is an asshole. Sorry for your issues, sympathetic not apologetic.

By Susan Yee | 9

#7844419 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:21

Sue!

By PlagueofFiction | 19

#7844420 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:24

If you have any written proof that she did it to see if you were allergic or not, you can sue her, and even take this to the police as it's attempted murder.

Reply

core01 | 30

#7844444 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 4:53

Riiiight. The friend wrote her diabolical plan down and then handed it to her.

Reply

thisisbutaname | 38

#7844502 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 8:50

Maybe she texted her the truth, eventually

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7844421 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:58

I don't think you should continue to be her friend...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844437 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 3:41

Your "friend" is a pretty good "scientist." How can you prove a nut allergy is real without empirical proof?

By stickyface | 8

#7844448 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 5:28

Jail time for your "friend." Not kidding. What she did was a crime.