By Anonymous - United States

Criminal Minds

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

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Mother of the year

Messed up

Fear factor

By JohhnyKeroscene - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

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By Blondegirl - United States

Today, I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. FML

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By Disappointed - United States - Lexington

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

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By RotoRooter - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML

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By Anonymous

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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By couch_potato

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

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By Stupid Drunk - United States

Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Lemvig

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

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By broke bitch - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By biomajor99 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By bad day Brutus - United States

Today, I confessed to cheating to my girlfriend. She decided to go up to the girl and ask her about it. The girl denied it and said she didn't even know me. My girlfriend walked up to me, called me a liar and punched me in the face. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By Anonymous

Working in retail sucks

Today, a customer yelled at me because we didn't have any laptops in stock. I work at a clothing store. FML

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By chevysprint - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

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By brittsters - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

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By Nicked - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Frederick

Today, I didn't think getting egged was a thing anymore until I found that my car got egged. FML

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By still together - United States - Keansburg

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

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By xoothc08 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By gummy bear

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend "where art thou my love?" via SMS. She replied "Toilet." FML

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By quarantine hell

Quid pro quo

Today, I called my sister and asked if she could watch my baby while I went to the store for desperately needed groceries and supplies. She refused, despite the fact that she's randomly dropped off her three rambunctious boys more times than I could count so she could go clubbing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

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By momaaa1342 - United States - Elmwood

Just a prank, again

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

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By RosesAreRed - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

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By hahahaha91 - United States

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

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By Butterflyguy - Canada

Today, I literally stopped traffic. I was crossing the street and a butterfly landed on me. Being phobic of butterflies, I had a panic attack in the middle of the road. Oh, and I am 17, captain of our football team, and in very good shape. My girlfriend laughed the hardest. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 21:30 - United States

Always carry around a pencil with you

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML

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By ricard0 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

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By StomachofTinfoil - United States - Bar Harbor

Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the AC broke in the kitchen of the restaurant I work at. Temperatures reached over 100 degrees and one of my coworkers nearly passed out. Our boss accused us of being "dramatic" and only let us step out after I collapsed. I need this job too badly to quit. FML

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By balloonface - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, my son asked me if slavery was ever abolished. He's 19. FML

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By Little tears - 2/1/2021 14:05 - United States

Cranking

Today, I was so sad and lonely that I drunkenly masturbated to Game of Thrones scenes featuring Petyr Baelish. FML

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By Chemist-why - United States - San Francisco

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the gas company had to be called into work for a possible gas leak. The pipes are fine. I had White Castle for dinner last night. I'm the gas leak. FML

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By Rainman - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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Top comments

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7844406 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 0:23

Your "friend" better be paying for that hospital bill. Then put her in the hospital.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7844417 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:18

that's attempted murder.

COMMENTS

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7844406 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 0:23

Your "friend" better be paying for that hospital bill. Then put her in the hospital.

By Cody Engelke | 11

#7844408 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 0:57

Wow. And I thought my friend wasn't the nicest guy around.

By doomsdayaddams | 6

#7844415 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:09

Your friend is a dangerous sociopath. Run. Seriously.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7844417 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:18

that's attempted murder.

Reply

blondie45 | 21

#7844992 - Friday 20 September 2019 6:20

My thoughts precisely!

By Jason Jennings | 3

#7844418 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:18

Then I must say your friend is an asshole. Sorry for your issues, sympathetic not apologetic.

By Susan Yee | 9

#7844419 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:21

Sue!

By PlagueofFiction | 19

#7844420 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:24

If you have any written proof that she did it to see if you were allergic or not, you can sue her, and even take this to the police as it's attempted murder.

Reply

core01 | 30

#7844444 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 4:53

Riiiight. The friend wrote her diabolical plan down and then handed it to her.

Reply

thisisbutaname | 38

#7844502 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 8:50

Maybe she texted her the truth, eventually

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7844421 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:58

I don't think you should continue to be her friend...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7844437 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 3:41

Your "friend" is a pretty good "scientist." How can you prove a nut allergy is real without empirical proof?

By stickyface | 8

#7844448 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 5:28

Jail time for your "friend." Not kidding. What she did was a crime.