Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend,...

By irresponsible - 14/8/2010 20:41 - United States

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

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Love

Does it taste good?

Don't give up

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By H05T1L3 - 4/6/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, I woke up at 10:30 feeling great and saying to myself, "Thank goodness it's the weekend!" I then realized it's Friday and I missed my final. FML

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20866

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By Toothy_Peg - 13/6/2009 15:13 - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 10:52 - Australia

Today, I handed out 30 resumes only to find out, after the last resume was handed out, my brother had changed the last sentence of every paragraph to 'I am a massive douche bag.' FML

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By shopper242 - 22/11/2010 12:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

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31692

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2011 20:42 - United States

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

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20127

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By Krystl - 18/9/2016 16:35 - Australia

Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML

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By stupid - 15/9/2009 02:56 - Canada

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

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By thathurt - 1/1/2012 00:51 - United States

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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62357

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By thetallone - 23/2/2010 08:05 - United Kingdom

Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would have run that one over." Thanks. FML

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By anonymous - 31/10/2014 23:28 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

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12547

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By Christmasloverandstuff - 25/12/2012 17:45 - United States

Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

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By krissy8799 - 15/7/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML

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48530

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By German;) - 19/9/2019 04:00

Street art

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 05:08 - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

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By SE011194 - 24/5/2014 06:14 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my boyfriend told me that the girl he really likes sees me as a threat. FML

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By mother of piggies - 4/4/2018 15:00

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

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By ouch - 26/3/2011 02:27

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

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By fml - 10/8/2013 10:48 - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

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51506

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By screwed - 4/11/2012 09:55 - United States

Today, my hubby and I decided to spice up our sex life and went to an adult toy store. We know too many people in our town, so we drove to one that was 30 mins away. We decided on our items, and went to the check out. Who would have guessed my next door neighbor works there as a cashier? FML

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By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/1/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

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By :/ - 3/12/2012 01:57 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

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25983

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By selfdefense - 12/10/2009 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

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By duuuuude - 17/4/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML

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By carssuck - 2/2/2012 10:28 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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1575

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By Fucked - 24/1/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

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By segal1010 - 28/2/2013 00:27 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

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By woof woof?? - 15/6/2013 20:26 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

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64740

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 17:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

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By dodgerkiss - 10/6/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to a Dodger game with my crush. Between innings, the "Kiss cam" came up on the big screen. The camera happened to land on us, and when my crush saw us on the screen, he leaned away from me and buried his face in his hands. Everyone saw, and sympathetically said "Awww." FML

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You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 10:34 - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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13331

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 02:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

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14158

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 15:30 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

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By lolgarbl - 26/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

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By spinner - 1/9/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I was at work. I'm a sign spinner. Lots of other employees shares stories of how they have been flashed by 18 year old hot chicks as they drive by. I got flashed by a 45 year old, 300lbs lady. FML

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Top comments

By robertdr | 0

#1242190 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:01

dumbass slap a bitch

By lovinit5683 | 0

#1242221 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:04

Haha wow you had a stupid gf. Shouldn't you be happy she broke up with you?

COMMENTS

By robertdr | 0

#1242190 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:01

dumbass slap a bitch

magex381 | 0

#1242200 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:02

sucks

nyrangers1022 | 6

#1242289 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:12

its ur fault for not knowing ur schedule. u are irresponsible

nickernutz | 0

#1242292 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:12

oh so she used the reason I suggested. fantastic.

ell_oh_ell | 0

#1242353 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:22

stop relying on ur girl, man!!! guys can't do shit without their girls, and then they go treating their girl like shit!

quent10 | 0

#1242417 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:32

how bout you shoulda just got the schedule yourself

FFML_314 | 11

#1242466 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:46

how bout you shoulda just got the schedule yourself

Re-write.
"You should have just looked at the schedule yourself."

samantha987 | 0

#1242484 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:49

waahhhhhh. I don't like you OP. you're whiney -_-

kmow32 | 0

#1242490 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:53

well why didya miss work in the first place? hmm? o.0

1121osu2110 | 0

#1242518 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:02

you should kno what days you work... it's ur fault...

Guuurlplease | 0

#1242588 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:23

shank her ass

pooponyuou | 0

#1242602 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:24

gibb's rule: nvr date a coworker

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1242646 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:38

she just didn't want to hear it lmao

BigBADBoY417 | 3

#1242708 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:51

bitchz be crazy

NoelZ | 0

#1242732 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:55

what a bitch

mak3_1t_ra1n | 0

#1242737 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:56

lol this was definitely planned. probably cuz op is irresponsible/high maintenance.

SeanFredrick | 3

#1243069 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:36

Op if you were more responsible... tacos. 

iownyou676 | 0

#1243710 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:48

sexyhamburger

sexyhamburger

SeanFredrick | 3

#1243715 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:49

you called?

mr_boss_2 | 0

#1243729 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:55

HELL YA :D

mr_boss_2 | 0

#1243732 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:55

HELL YA :D

iownyou676 | 0

#1243738 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:55

hahaha yes sexyhamburgers 

ceejster | 0

#1244095 - Sunday 15 August 2010 6:32

it sounds like she was just looking for a reason to end it.

nynjapyrate | 0

#1244110 - Sunday 15 August 2010 6:35

yes. NCIS reference ftw!

ndizzle | 0

#1244329 - Sunday 15 August 2010 7:56

Assuming this story is true, she did you a huge favor. I can't imagine being with someone who is that unreasonable. I can barely imagine someone who *is* that unreasonable.

mattman1994 | 0

#1244336 - Sunday 15 August 2010 8:04

you work with your girlfriend? what are you doing working in the kitchen?

pooponyuou | 0

#1245814 - Sunday 15 August 2010 15:00

174 what r u? a sexist?

crazyaces89 | 7

#1247207 - Sunday 15 August 2010 19:27

lol yes very true...that's rule no 12 I believe

quent10 | 0

#1247327 - Sunday 15 August 2010 19:45

yea 34 how bout you just write my next comment for then ok?

amanda09joex3 | 0

#1253668 - Monday 16 August 2010 21:00

i agree with you #16 he shoulda looked at his schedule himself but it is some her fault too she shouldnt of broke up with him .. .

PrimeStarscream | 30

#3028012 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 9:13

What a nasty girlfriend.

Dashelle | 25

#5704992 - Sunday 6 October 2013 8:50

Did you point out that she was the cause of the problem?

By lovinit5683 | 0

#1242221 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:04

Haha wow you had a stupid gf. Shouldn't you be happy she broke up with you?

comepoopwithme | 0

#1242434 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:34

#3 ur hot so I agree with whatever u just said. now go back to the kitchen! what r u doing on FML?

beancoinc | 0

#1242525 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:04

you go back in the kitchen? I would let you out of the bedroom!

By JINJANINJA | 0

#1242229 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:04

now you got more free time, and don't need as much cash to spend on your missus. win win mate

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1242231 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:05

Don't date your coworkers.

Freeze_fml | 16

#1242342 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:20

That's ironic. ._.

Freeze_fml | 16

#1242469 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:47

Like a boss.

Freeze_fml | 16

#1242522 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:03

Thief. ☹

FFML_314 | 11

#1242543 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:08

Freeze has a face? Here I thought he was nothing more than a black hole. Does your face have a nose?

Freeze_fml | 16

#1242558 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:13

No. ☻

FFML_314 | 11

#1242576 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:22

Are you saying no to my first question or second question?

FFML_314 | 11

#1242624 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:29

But, you said he iicaptain stole his face. How can this be? Every face should have a nose.

FFML_314 | 11

#1242635 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:33

*that
Lord voldemort does not have a nose! You're right. I'm sorry. Forgive my assumptions please.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1242685 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:45

lol ^

Freeze_fml | 16

#1242752 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:01

I didn't steal anything. ASDFGHSFDWADGH

Freeze_fml | 16

#1242808 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:23

Thieves everywhere.

FFML_314 | 11

#1242861 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:38

What in the god damn fuck? I want to make cool smiley faces. How are you doing this?!?!

fyourlife1990 | 0

#1242874 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:42

*_*

FFML_314 | 11

#1242887 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:45

You forgot about me, iicaptain!

FFML_314 | 11

#1242908 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:51

It could go, "Freeze, you're all under arrest. I will show no mercy! Your ignorance is only making this worse. You're no longer the captain of this ship. For Fucking My Life, I now present you with a $314 fine!"

FFML_314 | 11

#1242938 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:00

BAM! YDI for not being more creative. :P

Freeze_fml | 16

#1242999 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:21

I hate Dragonball Z.

It's like watching one of those constipation commercials.

Chrisskiies | 0

#1243041 - Sunday 15 August 2010 4:30

A green circle, with a body attached to it.

SeanFredrick | 3

#1243770 - Sunday 15 August 2010 5:02

how can anyone like a show called Dragonballz? fat flying lizard testicles combined with lame anime, woohoo!

SeanFredrick | 3

#1243907 - Sunday 15 August 2010 5:41

now you've confused me. don't feel too proud though, it's not a hard thing to do

FFML_314 | 11

#1243910 - Sunday 15 August 2010 5:41

I'm attracted to thin, swimming, whale ass.

SeanFredrick | 3

#1243921 - Sunday 15 August 2010 5:45

ffml that's my thing don't steal my thing! the switching words like that not the whale ass..

SeanFredrick | 3

#1243947 - Sunday 15 August 2010 5:49

and theres no such thing as a thin whale that's like an old baby or yucky Mexican food, it just doesn't exist

sourgirl101 | 28

#1243999 - Sunday 15 August 2010 6:03

I'm forced to like DragonBallZ ):

My husband thinks he's Mr. (Hercule) Satan.

FFML_314 | 11

#1244047 - Sunday 15 August 2010 6:18

Sean, there certainly are thin whales. However, I was referring to the whales ass being thin. Not the whale in it's entirety.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1244132 - Sunday 15 August 2010 6:38

How can I? I'm only a girl.

*bats eye lashes while I'm secretly
getting my hidden Chinese stars.

FFML_314 | 11

#1244184 - Sunday 15 August 2010 6:53

ò_ò

Oh, I like this.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1244208 - Sunday 15 August 2010 6:58

DragonZ balls?

sourgirl101 | 28

#1244213 - Sunday 15 August 2010 7:02

Come on sweet candy! We don't need to hire anyone. We can be like Felix the cat with our bag of tricks!

By FFML_314 | 11

#1242251 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:07

Now that you're broken up, call her work 40x a day just to scream and yell at whoever answers the phone. Make sure you tell them it's your girlfriends fault.
Or, you could just murder her.