By Lizzie - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

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1475

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BO Central

Wrong place, wrong time

Oh, hai Mark!

By Teylot - Canada

Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39876

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By Fred - Japan

Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29436

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By JaneDoe - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37588

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By nipped - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13963

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By whyyyyy - 17/5/2020 23:00

Subjective

Today, after months of dating, I finally saw my boyfriend naked. Turns out he has a micropenis. I assured him that I like him for who he was and that we could explore other things. He said no, because oral and sex toys are "immoral." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2892

You deserved it

295

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By MyCatFromHell - 8/4/2021 22:59 - Brazil

Your music's shite, mate

Today, after suffering from a serious case of my cats always chewing my earphones, after many eaten cords, I finally got a bluetooth headphone. My cat peed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

791

You deserved it

223

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By good citizen - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's ex. I decided to be a good person and hold the door for her as we walked into the store. She decided to be the bitch she is and stomp on my foot as she walked through the open doorway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35851

You deserved it

6740

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By Nonbikerbiker

Today, while enjoying a nice drive on my motorcycle, I got into an accident. I was lucky to have minor injuries, but my bike was totaled. When I got home, I found the driver of the car that hit me sitting in my living room. My partner introduced us by saying, “and this is my gay lover, grandpa.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

3094

You deserved it

308

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By ohtheshame

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42739

You deserved it

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By Etown - United States - Evansville

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to the theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hrs later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2764

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By CrystalsDontWork - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer as well as a soothsayer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36535

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2753

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By dead man walking? - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25633

You deserved it

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By Heather - United States

Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69312

You deserved it

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By ray - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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13997

You deserved it

24137

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By Trey Wipperfurth-Eisner

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1764

You deserved it

214

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By djkimmaz - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38614

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63269

You deserved it

5000

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By ugh - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29619

You deserved it

3821

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By Scorned Employee - United States

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML

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26970

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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5710

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378

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By Anonymous

That escalated badly

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2254

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45513

You deserved it

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By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23507

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By mook05 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

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35280

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By arace15336 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32699

You deserved it

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By bbb - United States - Hillsborough

Close but no cigar

Today, after having tried for months to get a promotion at work, I finally had an interview for a higher position. Everything went great, and I was told I would get a call next week for my second interview. I went back to my desk, only to get an email stating they're canceling the position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22761

You deserved it

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By wtf - United States

Backhanded

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42850

You deserved it

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By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34556

You deserved it

2119

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By it'sabitwindy - United States

Today, I added "a road sign" to my ever-growing list of 'Things which have hit my car as a result of the wind.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

25485

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3149

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By ouch - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26762

You deserved it

3179

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22602

You deserved it

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By nude - United States

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8025

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77081

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23090

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 05:03

That he's a dumbass?

Today, I was told by my boyfriend of 12 years that he wants to break up. He wants to be free to follow his "MGTOW beliefs." I had to look up what it meant. What am I supposed to tell our 2 little boys? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1559

You deserved it

199

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By DwarfFrog - United States

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34307

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 23:55

Hot hot hot

Today, my AC stopped working and I have no money. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1447

You deserved it

137

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By soccercrazed1520 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35203

You deserved it

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By enya - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22000

You deserved it

1428

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By wow kid just leave me alone - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27551

You deserved it

3691

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7840165 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:27

Your dad sounds awesome. I'm sure you prefer him joking around with your new boyfriend to threatening him to not touch his baby girl and throwing him out.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7840206 - Friday 6 September 2019 21:04

That's hilarious. Pray for that stick to come out of your ass so you can enjoy jokes.

COMMENTS

By Sinshine | 27

#7840165 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:27

Your dad sounds awesome. I'm sure you prefer him joking around with your new boyfriend to threatening him to not touch his baby girl and throwing him out.

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7840179 - Friday 6 September 2019 20:05

Oh my God (pun intended). That's friggin hysterical!!! It sounds like something my father would do!

By Gubbon | 8

#7840189 - Friday 6 September 2019 20:40

There really should be a button "That's not bad at all". It's so dearly needed in many FML's.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7840206 - Friday 6 September 2019 21:04

That's hilarious. Pray for that stick to come out of your ass so you can enjoy jokes.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7840221 - Friday 6 September 2019 22:31

Well, he's not wrong, is he?

By Wadlaen | 21

#7840224 - Friday 6 September 2019 22:55

😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂