By Lizzie - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1459

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Instadrama

Stress level: 2020

Dodged a bullet

By fuckendog - Australia - Virginia

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21203

You deserved it

55570

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By emmmbo - Australia

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes, mine said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55697

You deserved it

5429

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By MissCan'tKeepAJob - United States

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22054

You deserved it

57238

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By pimdala_major - United States

Today, I found a small bottle of chocolate milk in the fridge from McDonald's. I've been living with my grandparents while going to college and figuring they'd never drink it themselves, I took a sip. It had expired two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11550

You deserved it

39684

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 14:05 - United States

Moving day, grandma

Today, after my daughter fell in love with a city I didn't want to move to and I caved to make her happy, after a year of which she got engaged at the age of 18 and moved with her fiancé back to his hometown not far from where we moved from, she called to tell me she's pregnant and my first grandchild will be hundreds of miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

915

You deserved it

424

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By fistpumpin4life - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10554

You deserved it

33246

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By quiet_screaming_ - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28978

You deserved it

8784

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By chapstick - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43817

You deserved it

13640

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By Crazy Mom - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60022

You deserved it

4613

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By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

769

You deserved it

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By RecentCollegeGrad

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34010

You deserved it

9748

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By TheDeathguard

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5571

You deserved it

273

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By LostFocus - United States

Today, after five months of working overtime and doing my own repairs around the house, such as patching my own roof to save money, I walk into my home office. I find my $2500, week old, top of the line laptop won't turn on because it's drenched in water. Apparently there's a leak in the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16974

You deserved it

25441

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By Sir Anon - United States - Champlin

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

18411

You deserved it

2162

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By Foreveralone

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1502

You deserved it

147

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By anonymous - United States - Round Rock

Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59697

You deserved it

6821

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonalds, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52781

You deserved it

7950

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40146

You deserved it

21968

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By Diachronic - United States - Lewiston

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44160

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 20:00 - Australia

Itchy and Scratchy

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1471

You deserved it

316

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By somanybirds - United States - Jacksonville

Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4696

You deserved it

307

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By nen_00 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27200

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27533

You deserved it

6157

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By Cathy - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

34690

You deserved it

4885

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By technologyfail - United States

Today, I discovered a bunch of emails from my old account that weren't forwarded to my new one. Because of this, I missed a job offer and all the emails from my long distance boyfriend asking if he could visit. I still don't have a job and I broke up with him because he "failed to communicate." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19883

You deserved it

50876

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By AshleyP - United Kingdom

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47208

You deserved it

4512

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend gave me a choice of having a circumcision or breaking up with her. Either way I'm going to lose something I hold dear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10264

You deserved it

1048

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By Anonymous

Today, I found myself crying my eyes out over my two favourite fictional characters deaths. It happened over 6 years ago and has affected me more than real peoples deaths. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1630

You deserved it

905

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By AirOne - United States

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50523

You deserved it

10759

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By amandanoelle - United States - Hot Springs National Park

Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11545

You deserved it

1729

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By gunnar

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3475

You deserved it

622

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By fattie4life - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my little sister as she explained that all these guys like her now that she's so skinny and beautiful. My mom must have overheard me tell my sister that at least I was a cuter child, because my mom laughed and said, "Yeah right, we had to buy you fat kid diapers." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42056

You deserved it

8046

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By Anonymous

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18550

You deserved it

15052

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By nobffs - United States

Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27386

You deserved it

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By has an old monitor - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33813

You deserved it

3225

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By buhknee - United States

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76432

You deserved it

13460

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By Cellphonetroubles - Canada

Today, I was laughing at a story of a girl who had dropped her cellphone in a hottub and ruined it. As I was feeling pretty good about myself, I then realized that my cellphone was in the pocket of a sweater that I had just thrown in the washer 20 minutes prior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7661

You deserved it

47906

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By alealovespurple - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53744

You deserved it

17177

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By mia - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8469

You deserved it

900

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By Anonymous

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1392

You deserved it

511

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7840165 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:27

Your dad sounds awesome. I'm sure you prefer him joking around with your new boyfriend to threatening him to not touch his baby girl and throwing him out.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7840206 - Friday 6 September 2019 21:04

That's hilarious. Pray for that stick to come out of your ass so you can enjoy jokes.

COMMENTS

By Sinshine | 27

#7840165 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:27

Your dad sounds awesome. I'm sure you prefer him joking around with your new boyfriend to threatening him to not touch his baby girl and throwing him out.

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7840179 - Friday 6 September 2019 20:05

Oh my God (pun intended). That's friggin hysterical!!! It sounds like something my father would do!

By Gubbon | 8

#7840189 - Friday 6 September 2019 20:40

There really should be a button "That's not bad at all". It's so dearly needed in many FML's.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7840206 - Friday 6 September 2019 21:04

That's hilarious. Pray for that stick to come out of your ass so you can enjoy jokes.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7840221 - Friday 6 September 2019 22:31

Well, he's not wrong, is he?

By Wadlaen | 19

#7840224 - Friday 6 September 2019 22:55

😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂😇😂