By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

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Late term

Mr Sensitivity

Sounds like a catch

By wookieewhosshe

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

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By Isoldael - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

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By nikkei

Bullet = Dodged

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

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By mattttbob - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

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By shiiiiit - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

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By pinkpanther61789

Thanks for the support, guys!

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

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By Lena - United States

Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

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By afafakfhsg - United States

Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By auntoftheyear - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

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By Will

Today, I found out that my friends all think, "Don't worry about it" means "It's free." I'm a few thousand dollars in debt and they back each other like a gang. Never mind all the Aussies who say it means, "Pay slowly." FML

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By rob - France

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

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By OutOfTheCloset - United States - Clifton

Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only responses were, "Lol", "Hacked", and similar remarks. FML

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By daybyday - Australia

Today, I found out that what I thought could be a life-threatening issue causing me chest pains was only because I over-obsessed about it. Now not only do I have social anxiety, but I get so anxious I can create fake illnesses. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML

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By ypsitucky - United States

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

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By Kate - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

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By jane - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

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By hate

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

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By Rae - 25/10/2020 08:02

Pants on fire

Today, I found out that my mother doesn't have Alzheimer's disease. This would be joyous news, except for the fact that one year prior to this day my grandmother lied to me so that I'd stay closer to home. I've been worrying over a nonexistent illness for an entire year. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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By - France

Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML

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By jmove - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 16/12/2020 04:54 - United States - Midlothian

Teddy is always there for you

Today, and for the past month, I'm so lonely that I fall asleep holding my teddy bear's paw for comfort. FML

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By NotMacklemore - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

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By teachingsucks - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

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By m2k - Canada

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

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By wtf? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

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By no, don't save me or nothing - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

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By jillie minaj - United States

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

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By Coldandshoeless - United States - Hackettstown

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

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Top comments

By bobsanction | 16

#7939888 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 5:50

Preemptive strike.

By kujiens101 | 24

#7939887 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 3:53

That means he’s either interested in you but he knows he’s a bad guy or he is interested in you but he has a girlfriend

COMMENTS

By kujiens101 | 24

#7939887 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 3:53

That means he’s either interested in you but he knows he’s a bad guy or he is interested in you but he has a girlfriend

Reply

spinspinsugar | 12

#7940032 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 21:51

not in the fucking least, dude. he's totally friend-zoning OP

By bobsanction | 16

#7939888 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 5:50

Preemptive strike.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7939892 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 6:13

If you weren't pursuing him, how did someone hear you had a crush on him?

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Reply

spinspinsugar | 12

#7940031 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 21:50

like a wise man once said...
"it's all about the he said she said bullshit."
that's how he found out

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7940039 - Tuesday 22 September 2020 22:25

Well obviously you've told everyone at work or else he wouldn't have found out. ydi