By SHAME!

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

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Serious times

A saint

The Blob

By Anon O'Mous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 01:02 - Chile - Santiago

Not you

Today, I avoided checking Facebook because I didn't want to see all the Halloween parties involving my friends that I didn't get invited to. FML

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By nomorefreehugs - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

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By num1piglover - United States - Raritan

Today, my dad told my mom to only drop off my sister for Thanksgiving and not me. Guess I was wrong about him wanting to work on our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dover

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

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By bronco_lover89 - United States - Essexville

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

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By kb10

Today, I got arrested for shoplifting. I don't know what's worse, that I stole a one dollar bottle of chocolate milk, or that I didn't have the dollar to pay for it. FML

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By fmyarse - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By pornstorebitch

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

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By Britney - United States

Today, I discovered I have a cyst on my backside. I can't get it removed until Friday. I have to sit through four midterms this week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, despite being the fittest member of my family, with a good exercise routine and a decent diet, I'm the only one who was just diagnosed with diabetes. Meanwhile, the rest of my family are fat, lazy slobs who eat like shit, but are otherwise healthy as horses FML

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By stupidgirl - United States

Today, I changed all my plans, after months of him begging me to, so I could go to the same university as my long-term boyfriend. After I sent in my deposit, he told me we couldn't live together in college because I was "invading his space." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Kohsukeff - 6/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Gig Harbor

Overreact much?!

Today, my dad called me a "worthless human being", and told me that I'm "better off committing crimes and living life in a prison cell", all because I haven't gotten into the industry I studied for right out of college. I'm currently at a temp job doing accounting. FML

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By fmlisthebomb - United States

Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

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By kikuhime - 17/1/2021 02:01

Oh, hello

Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML

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By Sayahh

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

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By gringa_Peru - Peru

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

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By Danny

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

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By evil Santa - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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By pooraf - United States - Urbana

Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

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By pda - United States - Short Hills

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids, when a girl in line next to us slipped a hand down her boyfriend's pants and started groping him. I politely asked her to stop, to which she snorted, "Why? Your kids've gotta learn the birds and bees somehow." FML

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By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By Konstantine - New Zealand

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

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By not eyelid - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my toe. After telling my friend about it, he promptly stomped on it to "see what my reaction would be." FML

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By Stranded - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

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By treeless - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By whale14

Today, I was in the newspaper for my soccer accomplishments. It was supposed to be my day in the spotlight. I went home to find out that my little sister had sprained her ankle in P.E. Not only did nobody in my family read the article in the paper, I'm now doing all of my sister's chores. FML

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By welp - United States - Roswell

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

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By forgottendaughter - South Africa

Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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Top comments

By ajh1800 | 25

#7804523 - Monday 20 May 2019 16:32

Can you really blame him for not wanting to be around you after that? This is a total YDI. Learn to limit your alcohol intake so situations like this don't happen. Something tells me this isn't the first time you've been that drunk...

By bloopaloop | 27

#7804562 - Monday 20 May 2019 18:58

I think you found your problem

COMMENTS

By ajh1800 | 25

#7804523 - Monday 20 May 2019 16:32

Can you really blame him for not wanting to be around you after that? This is a total YDI. Learn to limit your alcohol intake so situations like this don't happen. Something tells me this isn't the first time you've been that drunk...

By RichardPencil | 29

#7804540 - Monday 20 May 2019 17:01

“He’s just not that into you.”

Unattractive women and attractive men can’t be friends. Stay in your lane — befriend ugly dudes who’ll be down with some drunken benefits.

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7804806 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 18:08

"Haaaaaaaave you met Ted?"

By bloopaloop | 27

#7804562 - Monday 20 May 2019 18:58

I think you found your problem

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7804577 - Monday 20 May 2019 20:18

You go, Gurl!

By alycion | 38

#7804703 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 10:02

That level of intoxication is a real turn off. Especially if you don’t really know the person. Or you are the somewhat sober one and having to endure someone else’s overdoing it. Learn your limits people.