Today, I had to cover for a coworker so I worked a 12-hour shift....

By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 14:22

Today, I had to cover for a coworker so I worked a 12-hour shift. I worked so late, I missed the final episode of Game of Thrones, which I have been really looking forward to. Guess who texted me, talking about how it ended? FML

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Vultures

Fairytale ending

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 10/7/2016 16:33

Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML

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By ktinanic - 30/12/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

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By Sodapop40 - 21/6/2020 05:05

"Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield starts playing…

Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Backwards ass logic

Today, my boyfriend told me that it's "disgusting" to wash your "rear end" and that he has never, and will never, do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, I was on the bus heading home from school, when I noticed a ridiculously hot girl near me, checking me out. I was about to say something charmingly funny when I suddenly got a whiff of onions. Turns out she had turned around simply to catch the essence of her own fart. FML

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By cheshirealyce - 5/3/2015 17:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my day began with a "Good morning, beautiful." and ended with a "Maybe someone would love you if you were pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 23:19 - Canada - Surrey

Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

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By ceetee - 26/7/2011 13:35 - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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By misstree - 7/9/2009 08:23 - Singapore

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

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By bananapie69 - 10/4/2020 20:00

Social distancing gone wrong

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 14:00

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 16:11

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

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By Forgotten - 11/3/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend has memory issues because of a car accident. She broke up with me because I was acting like if things were more serious that she wanted them to be. She forgot she proposed. FML

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By lily_marleen - 24/10/2016 12:58 - United States

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 23:07 - Canada

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

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By Jack - 3/4/2013 21:40

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

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By poro123 - 5/11/2012 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By ur_life_dus_suck - 21/1/2016 13:08 - United States - Wayne

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

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By tLee - 19/7/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

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By urrrppp - 26/3/2010 09:44 - Netherlands

Today, I got through to the phone interview stage for a great job. When the phone rang, I answered and suddenly, spontaneously, burped really loudly. The interviewer hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 23:20 - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By for fucks sake gramps - 6/8/2012 21:37 - United States - Mililani

Today, I was at the store with my grandpa. When we were rung up, he started to pay for our myriad groceries in coins, and the guy behind us groaned. My grandpa said, "shut your mouth," and started ranting about how stupid people are to leave paper trails for "government spooks." FML

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By I'm a moron - 27/5/2019 14:03

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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By blue. - 19/5/2011 23:32

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 04:29 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

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By idiot says "you raised him" - 31/5/2014 21:30 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By uglyorstupid - 20/4/2010 16:46 - Croatia

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 10/5/2019 23:00

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

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By TraumatizedMother - 2/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

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By bitch - 27/8/2020 08:02 - United Kingdom - London

Tracked

Today, I noticed that on the calendar in my boyfriend’s apartment, for every week of the months when I have my period are coloured in red and over them, in block capitals, he has written 'BEWARE'. FML

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By myennechee - 18/3/2009 05:22 - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

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By Liz - 8/7/2019 00:00

Today, I woke up, and I could see perfectly. Somehow, during the night, my eyes magically became 20/20. I was overjoyed, until I realized I'd fallen asleep with my glasses on. My eyes are still trash, and I want to cry. FML

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By Lysh - 24/11/2016 05:38

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By anonymous - 21/11/2012 18:16 - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

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By anonymous - 29/3/2012 15:42 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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By Scumbagmemory - 22/1/2012 04:17 - United States

Today, I was texting a guy that one of my friends told me about. She gave me his number and told me about how he was deaf. Three hours into great conversation I forgot and asked him what his favorite music was. FML

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By chase - 25/1/2013 00:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7804515 - Monday 20 May 2019 14:32

Report them. They missed work for either not being sick or a non-practical reason.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7804538 - Monday 20 May 2019 16:55

Here are my guesses:

1. Tyrion Lannister
2. George R.R. Martin
3. The Starbucks cup from the last episode.

Please deliver my prize by normal means and not by flying dragon. Thanks.

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7804515 - Monday 20 May 2019 14:32

Report them. They missed work for either not being sick or a non-practical reason.

By Gabriel Friedman | 4

#7804536 - Monday 20 May 2019 16:53

game of thrones sucks.

cleanburrito415 | 15

#7804615 - Monday 20 May 2019 23:35

not if youre into medieval porn

By RichardPencil | 28

#7804538 - Monday 20 May 2019 16:55

Here are my guesses:

1. Tyrion Lannister
2. George R.R. Martin
3. The Starbucks cup from the last episode.

Please deliver my prize by normal means and not by flying dragon. Thanks.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7804807 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 18:10

Spoiler alert: Daenerys, Arya, and Sansa didn't do what they did in my dreams, and that weird kid who looks like he's the son of Penguin from Batman Returns got all the glory. Pasty-faced little shit...

By 0neiros | 12

#7805186 - Thursday 23 May 2019 0:02

You didn't miss much, which is why so many people are pissed about it being all so pointless and anticlimactic. Heaven forbid they give the fans what they fucking want...Oh, wait Avengers Endgame did. Go see it several times on how to treat your loyal fans.

By tounces7 | 26

#7805206 - Thursday 23 May 2019 1:20

You didn't miss much, it sucked.