Love and Health: Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say,... - FML

By feckingnasty

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

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Out of it

Season finale

Wise kid

By idontevenlikehamsters - United States - Manassas

Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML

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By lauren_rox - Canada

Today, I was waiting at home for a phone call. While I was in the bathroom, the phone rang. I quickly stopped my business and ran out of the bathroom with my pants by my ankles. I leaped over the couch, tripping and then stubbing my toe while hopping to the phone. It was a telemarketer. FML

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By PetitPrincePerdu - United States

Today, I found my mother wandering the halls of my fraternity unescorted and asked why she was here, she told me she was concerned when I didn't pick up my phone for two days. She then informed me that she had also moved to the same city I live in. My mother moved over 600 miles to stalk me. FML

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By FriendZone - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

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By Christina - United States - Aurora

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

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By Samantha

Today, I discovered that my parents made a game out of my mental illness. Every morning, they have a bet on which one of them can make me cry first. FML

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By Sovekipisse - France - Arthon-en-retz

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

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By Fangirl#1

Today, students were permitted to wear costumes at my school, but only about half of us did. In 4th period a guy asked me, "What are you supposed to be?" I wasn’t wearing a costume. FML

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By johncabbot25 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

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By badsinger - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By sucks at sucking - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

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By Uncircumcised Penis - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

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By FreakedOut - United States

Today, my dad told me he was planning to have his steady girlfriend over for dinner. He's only had a few relationships since he and my mom split up when I was very young, so I was excited to meet the woman. He then told me that I knew her already. My dad is dating my aunt on my mothers side. FML

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By mylifesucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by sending me a Bumper Sticker on Facebook that said "Bitch, let's get married". FML

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By DefinitelyNotDogshit - United States - Levittown

Today, I walked into my new office for the first time after receiving the promotion I've been trying for. Someone took a dump on my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was participating in an exercise in my psychology class to describe this horrible looking person I had never seen before and I described the person as a "rebellious, drug dealing, lowlife". The person in that picture turned out to be my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML

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By Cuntlette - Australia - Brighton

Today, my dad hit his mid-life crisis. When I came home and said hi, he told me to shut up, then went to the living room. He then lit up a cigarette and started muttering about having to put up with me, then went into a coughing fit, because he's never smoked before in his life. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 02:02

Interesting hypothesis

Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

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By awkwardturtle - Canada - London

Today, I went to buy a birthday present for my boyfriend. While buying him a sweater, the cashier tried to up-sale me by asking if my boyfriend wore briefs or boxers, because both were on sale. Not thinking, I blurted out, "I don't know, they just come off." FML

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By tommy3824 - United States

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

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By Stinky - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel in the rain in formerly waterproof boots. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

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By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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By pandabear93 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about when I have kids. I told her I may want two or three. She immediately cut me off and told me to stick to one, and that any more than that will be a burden. I am the second born child of my family. FML

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By disappointment son

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

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By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By j - Canada

Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML

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By smoochie

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

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By amaze

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

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By melikeyturtles - United States

Today, I went to work as a home health-aid, and found out that my client turns his hearing aid off on purpose because he can't stand my voice. FML

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By Ignatius - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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Top comments

By sassypenguinxox | 15

#7591378 - Friday 26 January 2018 21:09

Someone seems to be reenacting Austin Powers in Goldmember

By RichardPencil | 30

#7591323 - Friday 26 January 2018 19:09

What a coincidence! Your husband and the hunk of dead foot skin are both keepers!!!

Consider yourself a lucky gal! Many ladies don’t even have a guy who thoughtlessly discards dead skin, let alone one who appreciates its value!

COMMENTS

By Takegami | 22

#7589032 - Sunday 21 January 2018 16:12

EWWEEE

By RichardPencil | 30

#7591323 - Friday 26 January 2018 19:09

What a coincidence! Your husband and the hunk of dead foot skin are both keepers!!!

Consider yourself a lucky gal! Many ladies don’t even have a guy who thoughtlessly discards dead skin, let alone one who appreciates its value!

By leeloo7 | 22

#7591342 - Friday 26 January 2018 20:08

Ewww

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7591360 - Friday 26 January 2018 20:44

I've heard of people eating their boogers, but someone eating their dead skin is new.

Reply

Dustin Allen-Duwayne Lakey | 16

#7591434 - Saturday 27 January 2018 0:33

Ever seen Austin Powers in Goldmember hahaha

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7591436 - Saturday 27 January 2018 0:49

Nope--that probably makes me lucky, huh? ;)

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7591373 - Friday 26 January 2018 21:01

It's one thing to pick your dead foot skin and to be a bit fascinated with what you pull off, but eating it is just beyond the pale.

By sassypenguinxox | 15

#7591378 - Friday 26 January 2018 21:09

Someone seems to be reenacting Austin Powers in Goldmember

By ffc Squall | 14

#7591390 - Friday 26 January 2018 21:54

Hopefully you don't plan on kissing him for a while.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7591443 - Saturday 27 January 2018 1:08

Zombies eat humans, but even they won't eat themselves. That's just wrong.

By electrodude | 15

#7591478 - Saturday 27 January 2018 3:56

He’s gold he’s gold he’s gold he’s goldmember

By CoyoteOldOne | 17

#7591480 - Saturday 27 January 2018 4:06

If he does it again, tell him, "At least one of you is a keeper."