By Todd - 18/9/2020 17:00

Masterchef

Today, I bought tomato sauce and tomato paste to make rigatoni. Forgot to buy the meat and the pasta. FML

I agree, your life sucks

442

You deserved it

838

Favorite

Dangling modifier

And today, on Dr Phil…

My body, my choice

By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

You learn something new every day

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and cant get medication to fix this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

463

You deserved it

661

Favorite

By crowded - 20/5/2020 23:00

Crowded House

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1908

You deserved it

271

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 17:11

Get rid of the evidence!

Today, while my roommate was taking a bath, I became horribly sick out of nowhere. Since the bathroom was occupied, I ended up having explosive diarrhea in an Amazon box in my bedroom, which I immediately ran out to the dumpster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1531

You deserved it

131

Favorite

By SwimminginSweat - United States

Today, during a slow dance, my date wrapped his arms around my waist. Right as I touched his neck he says, "Sorry, I'm slightly sweaty." He wasn't lying. For the longest two minutes of my life I was swimming in his sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26089

You deserved it

4484

Favorite

By ForeverAlone - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31880

You deserved it

5367

Favorite

By Samantha - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

I agree, your life sucks

50042

You deserved it

21787

Favorite

By billjoebob424 - Canada

My pleasure

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2159

You deserved it

682

Favorite

By fuck you with a bacon cock - United Kingdom - Forres

Today, I got up early in the morning to get a snack, only to walk in on my "vegan" housemate eating a turkey sandwich. This bastard harasses me every other day about my meat-eating, but all he could do after he noticed me was drop the sandwich and claim he'd been sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43172

You deserved it

3475

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32676

You deserved it

3041

Favorite

By bob - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34314

You deserved it

2702

Favorite

By Sara246 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42498

You deserved it

3634

Favorite

By crapped on - United States

Today, my family went on vacation. I had to stay home to take care of everyone's animals. I called my mom, she said she was too busy to talk to me. My sister asked who was on the phone, she replied "the dog sitter." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37919

You deserved it

4139

Favorite

By questionmark707 - United States - Fullerton

Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23249

You deserved it

7228

Favorite

By Anonymous - Brazil - Americana

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23844

You deserved it

9107

Favorite

By oldmama728

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33288

You deserved it

46186

Favorite

By human

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1449

You deserved it

219

Favorite

By o_O - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57156

You deserved it

4122

Favorite

By madbabynoel - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22103

You deserved it

1581

Favorite

By arthise - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49921

You deserved it

17133

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 02:03

Jaws 2: A Pig in the City

Today, after a childhood of battling bad teeth and cavities, I'm an overzealous brusher. I found out that I have cavities in all quadrants of my mouth from over-brushing, which will need multiple appointments to fill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1351

You deserved it

203

Favorite

By Dumped

Today, at work, I went to place a small item on a shelf. The shelf fell on me, trapping my hand. While lifting it, the top shelf fell against my chest and the products all dumped on my face. I then realized the shelves were only held up by zip ties. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3763

You deserved it

338

Favorite

By Goiter - United States - Fort Washington

Today, I was telling my fiancée about my Hashimoto's symptoms when my MIL to-be said, "You must be drinking too much alcohol. My aunt had a goiter and it only swelled when she drank, usually bourbon or beer." She then walked out of the room, perfectly content with her "diagnosis." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1583

You deserved it

129

Favorite

By I_Lossed - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44351

You deserved it

4754

Favorite

By TDCC - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36199

You deserved it

9963

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8-year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9326

You deserved it

36284

Favorite

By paper towel virgin - United States - Warrensburg

Technologically Challenged

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22295

You deserved it

40176

Favorite

By EpicFail - Canada

Today, I got a text message saying "I'm sorry, I know it's our 4 month anniversary but it's not working out, I need to break up with you" followed by her complaining that I never call her as well. WTF? I haven't had a girlfriend for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27191

You deserved it

2705

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13848

You deserved it

46733

Favorite

By Matt - United States

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13311

You deserved it

57643

Favorite

By aru9 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22197

You deserved it

36909

Favorite

By thiswouldhappen. - United States

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54454

You deserved it

264973

Favorite

By lilzoot - United States

Today, I played games on Barbie.com and gave up after 10 minutes. They were hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12463

You deserved it

41875

Favorite

By Falouila - France

Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25671

You deserved it

4976

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49426

You deserved it

6456

Favorite

By Savannah - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7767

You deserved it

572

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43686

You deserved it

2705

Favorite

By kismet_fire - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34731

You deserved it

2697

Favorite

By AyDiosMio42 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13790

You deserved it

70383

Favorite

By Alexandra - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12646

You deserved it

982

Favorite

By happyeffingbday202 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62895

You deserved it

5251

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7939154 - Friday 18 September 2020 17:05

You could make vegan, gluten-free rigatoni.

Also, avoid shopping when you're high.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7939235 - Saturday 19 September 2020 1:25

Gordon Ramsay called; he says you're an idiot sandwich.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7939154 - Friday 18 September 2020 17:05

You could make vegan, gluten-free rigatoni.

Also, avoid shopping when you're high.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7939235 - Saturday 19 September 2020 1:25

Gordon Ramsay called; he says you're an idiot sandwich.

By TheSentinel05 | 8

#7939430 - Saturday 19 September 2020 21:13

For personal reasons, I will never hit YDI if the fml includes the word ‘forgot’

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7939456 - Saturday 19 September 2020 23:55

I know this is probably a crazy idea but maybe you could go back to the store and get what you need. ydi