King of the Jungle

Today, I got my blood drawn for a donation and they didn't warn me that I was borderline anemic. I passed out in the middle of Walgreens and woke up to people just standing there, staring. FML

Triage

Unrequited lover

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

By passedout

4500

462

Today, while in the grocery store my boyfriend said very loudly "Don't make me hit you in public again!" He says things like this every time we are in the grocery store line. The sad part is that it's better than when he says "Are you gonna pay for the stuff you put in your purse?" FML

By Anonymous - United States

38667

9652

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

By bntje - Netherlands - Holten

76439

3823

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

39658

4116

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

By WorryNot - United States - Prescott

5732

579

Today, my mom asked all the old ladies in her church to pray that I meet "someone special". FML

By beekie9 - United States

25182

2213

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

By God,NotAgain,Please - Pakistan - Karachi

4244

745

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

By phonemenace - United States

33682

2798

Today, I decided to surprise my crush by wishing her happy birthday when she came out of the lift. Too bad she was busy giving someone a blow job and didn’t notice me. FML

By feelsbadman

4780

577

Today, my friends told me that my girlfriend of over a year and a half refers to me on Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat as "the monster I can't get rid of." FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 14:00

Libel

1459

172

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

By Anonymous - United States

17059

42091

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

29486

2923

Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML

By Anonymous

Jot that down

1288

917

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

By Anonymous - United States

50008

3418

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

By Weightlosshereicome - United States - Oxford

15166

4401

Today, a great job I have been wanting to apply for opened for applications. Turns out it requires a clean background with no credit issues. I recently got a notice saying my wife and I are being sued over an unpaid $140 medical bill that she neglected to pay. FML

By Adios Career - United States

24037

2140

Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML

By GrandTheftArson - Canada - Waterloo

21081

1565

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

By Omydayz - United States - Fremont

19531

1896

Today, I was called a whore by my own parents, simply because I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Everyone I’ve ever dated has dumped me. FML

By mere - 6/4/2021 21:30

Nice parents you've got there

1016

142

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

By Anonymous - United States

19783

34537

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

By Anonymous

Denial

1653

290

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

22176

2133

Today, my parents took me out to eat. When the bill came, they stared at me for a while before asking, “Aren’t you gonna pay?” They've never made me pay before, there was no indication that I’d have to pay this time, and I’d left my wallet at home. FML

By kaitlyn is here - 27/4/2021 05:01

Cough it up

1128

226

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

37645

5195

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

By Synonymous_Rex - United States - Thousand Oaks

29719

2805

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

By idonthavelice - China

26016

2398

Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles, when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML

By me - United States

30211

4875

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

27515

13366

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

By Sundendako - Australia

41284

3525

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

By Juliett - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Good question

1703

268

Today, I was greeting customers at work. After saying good morning to one man, he stopped and looked at me from head to toe before smirking and saying, "Mmmm." He then turned around and said, "It's starting." It's only my first day. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26078

2737

Today, while jogging, a guy tackled me and got my iPhone. Being a good runner, I caught up with him and grabbed him. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a policeman yelling in my ear. The guy got away. FML

By anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

57606

3378

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Oshawa

43682

3135

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

By Richmond24 - Canada

51675

3749

Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML

By Anonymous - France - Minzier

36269

4289

Today, I was driving through the mountains and there was a chain requirement. I went to put them on and found a note where my chains used to be saying, "Have fun in a blizzard now bitch" from my ex. FML

By snowlover - United States - Fremont

44630

6617

Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML

By Akestarr - United States - Georgetown

56262

3640

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

By hjgjh - United States

97466

23362

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29341

2900

Today, I was in the theatre watching a movie. I leaned my head back to relax. Suddenly, I hear this sneeze behind me and then I feel "rain" pouring down on my face. FML

By misspriss - United States

29876

2810