King of the Jungle

Today, I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. When the bra came off, the dick got soft. FML

Mixed signals

Reliable

Creepy

By victoriassecret - 3/3/2010 09:24 - United States

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Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

By Marlon - 11/12/2010 08:18 - United States

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Today, someone thought it would be funny to switch the signs on the bathroom doors. Fortunately, I knew which was the men's and went on in. The startled old woman inside, however, did not. FML

By Anonymous - 12/2/2010 19:30 - United States

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Today, I was at the doctor's for a regular check-up. When my appointment was over and I was about to walk out, she yelled across the room in front of everyone, "Oh and if you could lose some weight, that'd be great." FML

By ChubbyButt - 16/1/2013 10:48 - Canada - Brampton

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Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

By sadmama - 23/2/2018 15:00

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Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

By nick92 - 15/10/2010 16:40 - United States

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Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

By Not-pregnant - 20/4/2014 17:21 - United States - Melbourne

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Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 23:43 - United States

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Today, I excitedly showed my new roommate my pet fish. She then told me about how she purposely starved her last fish to see how long it would take before they started eating each other before starving to death. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 22:59 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

By notacaveman - 16/4/2013 13:27 - Netherlands

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Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:22 - United States

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Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

By karen - 27/9/2019 14:00

I'm a meme

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Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

By ambled - 24/12/2011 20:04 - United States

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Today, I yelled at my oldest son for picking his little brother up by the throat. Only to then be yelled at my my mother-in-law for hurting his feelings. FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 14:00

Back-seat parenting

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111

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

By Potato_Lord - 12/11/2015 04:11 - United States - Madison

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Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

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Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

By loueb17 - 15/2/2009 05:57 - United States

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Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 20:30

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Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

By JoshWontonDo - 3/5/2016 15:06 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

By Natalie - 2/3/2010 22:05 - Canada

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Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

By Hi, I'm Heather - 1/10/2014 02:05 - United States - Lincolnton

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Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

By waterspike - 29/1/2010 13:18 - France

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Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2011 14:31 - United States

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Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML

By Darkness162000 - 8/1/2010 00:21 - France

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Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

By Zxz - 8/4/2013 21:51 - Canada

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Today, the company that was supposed to clear our apartment's parking lot never showed up. I almost got frostbite in my fingers trying to shovel someone's car out since my gloves got soaking wet. FML

By ColderThanCold - 15/3/2019 00:00

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Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2011 03:07 - United States

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Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:06

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Today, I made a couple videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the cam-corder laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML

By SADlilAZN - 17/2/2009 05:04 - United States

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Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

By lameows - 4/4/2015 01:57 - United States

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Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

By - 1/1/2019 11:00 - United States - Spokane

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML

By Anonymous - 28/10/2018 14:00

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Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

By Tireddddddd - 31/7/2011 05:45 - United States

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Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

By scarred - 17/9/2018 15:30

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Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

By Charles Pennington - 22/11/2011 11:36 - United States

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Today, my sister told me about a website that explained why our stressed cat has been obsessively pulling out the fur on her legs. Interested, I asked for a link. Not just out of deep concern for the cat, but because I have the same problem. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:40 - United States - Riverview

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Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

By erinbarto - 17/10/2019 20:00

Soon.

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Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 08:09 - United States - Redding

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Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

By miewann - 3/3/2015 19:06 - United States - Mount Holly

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share a toothbrush with her. FML

By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 16:14 - Canada

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