By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 08:00

Hard shoulder

Today, the guy I’ve been trying to get over for the last month finally messaged me like I’ve been hoping for, only to cry that his new girlfriend cheated on him and to ask if I think he should forgive her, because he, "appreciates my honesty." FML

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Goodbye Bill

Weird kid

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By whatashame - 1/4/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

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By I hate retail - 27/11/2015 02:26 - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2011 10:19 - Australia

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

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By Kalaina - 25/10/2009 04:36 - France

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

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By tired - 1/8/2011 08:07 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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By Tinker-Bell - 21/11/2008 03:41 - France

Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I hear him in the hall I shout out "come on, don't be shy, bring that cock in here right now!". A voice replies: "he's gone out to get some bread". It was my mother-in-law. FML

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By f*ck - 2/5/2012 16:22 - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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By calgarygal - 23/11/2016 02:53

Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML

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By maggieyokoi - 15/6/2015 19:11

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 05:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

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By MrGullible - 17/4/2019 00:00

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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By No2ndDate - 1/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Owl be there for you

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 16:18 - United States - Surprise

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

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By Emcee - 5/6/2009 10:48 - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

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By armywife980 - 3/5/2011 05:01

Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

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By anonymous - 18/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going a few miles per hour over the speed limit. The cop asked for my license and registration. I happened to look down at my wallet while he was processing everything and saw my license in my wallet. I gave the cop my fake I.D. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 13:13 - United States - Crawfordville

Today, I was intently watching my odometer to see it change from 99,999 to 100,000 when I ran into the back of another vehicle. FML

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By misc - 8/6/2011 17:52 - Netherlands

Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML

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By peanutprobs - 31/10/2014 21:12 - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

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By Needasafe1234 - 25/9/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, it was my mother's birthday. My 5 year old brother and 85 year old grandma decided to decorate the house with balloons and a blow up "people" they found in my room. FML

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By badprofessor - 19/9/2014 01:44 - United States - Larchmont

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

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By never ending story - 20/4/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, it doesn’t matter that I had major surgery on my hand 2 days ago and am supposed to be on bed rest with no hand movement for 3 weeks. According to my father and my husband, it doesn’t excuse me from wifely house duties and being the sole caretaker of our one-year-old. FML

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By off to the whorehouse, then - 31/3/2014 21:03 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

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By fail - 5/12/2010 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 12:00

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

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By - 21/1/2017 10:00

Today, I got another in a year-long string of threatening letters about my late mother's credit card bill. I've called the credit company repeatedly to settle the account, but they won't talk to me because I'm not authorized to access it. Hope they have a Ouija board. FML

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By - 31/12/2009 18:23 - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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By 2for1 - 28/3/2019 00:00 - Norway - Sandefjord

Today, after being constipated for four days post-surgery, I have gotten diarrhea. It doesn't actually help getting the hard plug out, but it has found slow passages around it, so I’m still left to my own devices. This is not the kind of gold I’d like to be digging for. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 18:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2019 03:00 - Canada - Saint-hubert

Good tasting

Today, my roommate left those powdered donuts in the kitchen. Hungry, I decided to try one. Turns out, the white powder wasn't sugar. It was cocaine. FML

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By traitor - 23/4/2013 23:04 - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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By hurikan68 - 27/7/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I requested two hours off for tomorrow afternoon. My supervisor and manager called me into the office to talk to me about how important it is to be in the office as much as possible. A little later, my supervisor told me that for budgeting reasons, I have to take 3 non-paid days off. FML

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By Today - 29/9/2019 16:08

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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By smh - 10/9/2015 06:09 - Canada

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of 5 adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules: No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

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By ellieinc - 8/8/2016 03:39 - United States - Stacy

Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML

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By sexyfreak2510 - 3/9/2009 06:47 - South Africa

Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML

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Top comments

By 123Puppy | 27

#7911257 - Thursday 4 June 2020 14:00

You should tell him to not forgive her and to move on, and you should move on from him yourself. You deserve a guy with self respect.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7911237 - Thursday 4 June 2020 12:14

It’s time to be honest with yourself. You know he’s no good. Move on.

Comments

By ahabsfan | 14

#7911237 - Thursday 4 June 2020 12:14

It’s time to be honest with yourself. You know he’s no good. Move on.

By 123Puppy | 27

#7911257 - Thursday 4 June 2020 14:00

You should tell him to not forgive her and to move on, and you should move on from him yourself. You deserve a guy with self respect.

By magnumpeyote66 | 5

#7911262 - Thursday 4 June 2020 14:18

Seems like a golden opportunity
What are you doing wasting your time here?
Go get him
Better to try and fail than live in regret

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7911319 - Thursday 4 June 2020 20:06

Was he an asshole to you? If so, he should cry a river. If not, suck it up and try to be a good friend.

By Brightside86 | 16

#7911676 - Saturday 6 June 2020 5:56

You should be honest with yourself, and get him back!

By faithhh | 6

#7912467 - Tuesday 9 June 2020 8:26

If she cheated on him in that short amount of time it’s not worth it! (Not siding with him. I’m saying he’s stupid to not see that.)