Halloween Costume Fail

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

Business savvy

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Territorial pissings

By Noname - 7/1/2009 15:07 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was telling my teenage daughter about the effects from alcohol, and how she should not give in to peer pressure. While talking, I noticed that she was looking at me funny. There was a wine glass in my hand. FML

By alcoholic - 31/10/2009 14:30 - Estonia

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Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

By cl4ptp - 14/8/2012 12:17 - United Kingdom - Barry

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Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

By Molly - 14/11/2009 19:48 - United States

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Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

By annoyedwithkids - 2/7/2011 05:48 - Canada

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Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

By implantme - 11/5/2017 14:00

Give Me Novacaine

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Today, I was watching "My 600-lb Life". Most of the people on the show are married or in relationships. I cant even find a relationship. FML

By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 02:00

Looks aren't everything

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Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I'd forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

By Caitlin - 10/6/2010 00:46 - United States

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Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

By sparky83000 - 29/10/2015 20:51 - Canada

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Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

By MyS3lf - 19/4/2011 02:33 - United States

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Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

By Glassless - 26/5/2017 20:00

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Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

By redneckfamily - 24/5/2013 07:06 - United States - Roy

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Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

By Username - 2/8/2011 14:52 - United States

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Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

By stranded - 27/9/2010 05:56 - United States

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Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2015 06:18 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

By mainlineloser - 28/11/2014 05:25 - United States - Narberth

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Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

By Hahapasdroleleptit - 10/5/2011 14:56 - France

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Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

By violated ._. - 22/8/2013 22:45 - United States

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Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

By oops1234 - 16/4/2009 14:38 - United States

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Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML

By Why? - 5/3/2015 22:34 - United States - Broomfield

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Today, I found out our eight-year-old son lied about his former babysitter beating him. The babysitter's already thrashed us on social media for believing our son, and now no one in town is willing to babysit for us. Looks like date night is cancelled. FML

By i have failed so very badly - 7/4/2017 18:51 - United States - Syracuse

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Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

By brhorton02 - 6/4/2009 14:42 - United States

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Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2012 18:31 - United States - Rock Island

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Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 15:16 - United States - Clermont

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Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 19:05 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

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Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

By broooooock - 16/7/2009 01:04 - United States

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Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

By masterman - 27/8/2012 06:45 - Canada - Sherwood Park

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Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 00:22 - United States - San Antonio

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Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

By Stressed out mom - 7/3/2018 01:30

Incognito IRL

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Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 06:44

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Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2016 05:13 - United States

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Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 00:23 - United States

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Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 04:44 - United States

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Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 00:17 - United States

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Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

By henley - 23/7/2012 01:33

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Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

By corn - 3/6/2011 01:44 - United Kingdom

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Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 12:00

Duchamp would be proud

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Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

By ugh - 21/1/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

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Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 04:53 - United States - Muncie

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