Halloween Costume Fail

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

Dementia or hate? You decide

Dangling modifier

Don't hate the player…

By oh my soul

5754

2009

Today, at work, a lady came in to have her glasses fixed. When she opened her case, an earwig crawled out. Instead of trying to kill it, she just left it and watched as it crawled over my desk and behind my computer. I later found the earwig in my hair. FML

By browngirl - Canada - Vernon

45782

4939

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

By luvizwar - Australia

52238

7374

Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML

By momma - Canada - Toronto

50907

3697

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

By Anonymous

Are you taking the piss?

1437

844

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

35122

2570

Today, I once again got less than 20 hours of work for the entire week. My boss's solution? Double the staff. FML

By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 14:08 - United States

Management 101

624

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I woke up in horror to see that my 34-year-old cousin, who was spending the night, was watching me sleep. Once he noticed that I was awake, he quietly left the room. I told my mom, who then told me not to tell anyone and pretend that it never happened. FML

By umm..WHAT?? - 22/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Pomona

Halloween came early

1449

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

By Noname - Japan

52589

2799

Today, because my fiancé is criminally incompetent at budgeting, I'm now having to pay the first installment for my own wedding ring. FML

By almost broke - Czech Republic - Brno

21463

4423

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

By fulloshit - United States

35965

4566

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

By Johnnogood - United States - Brooklyn

28721

2232

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

29692

4209

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

By transcendingnerd - Philippines - Makati

33566

3066

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

By dumbwifehappylife - United States - Woodbine

42030

4918

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

By Anonymous - United States

14666

36693

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

By pointlessperson - Canada

40689

2977

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

By teegtwo - United States

44852

26949

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

By blah! - 13/12/2020 14:01

Unionize

903

411

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

By farhia97 - United States

7209

54695

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

By sucksforme - United States

42473

3505

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

By newdad - United States

33691

5978

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

By ugh - United States - Lancaster

25730

40767

Today I found out that paying $40 for next-day shipping doesn't ensure that you'll receive the item the next day or even the next week. I assumed it was my fault for ordering too late into the holiday season. Turns out they never shipped it. When I finally received it 10 days late, it was the wrong item. FML

By __shirtless__

10490

722

Today, a pipe leaked in the store I work at. I had to smell sordid waste for more than 8 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

Retail stinks

1216

Today, I started shaking my son's Little Bill doll in frustration, as the batteries weren't working. My nosy neighbor saw through the window and called the cops. They wouldn't believe me and now the whole neighborhood thinks I'm a child abuser. FML

By baddad - United States

56408

7756

Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

By PulledOver - United States

10939

54697

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

By anonymous - Canada - Calgary

26800

2607

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

19526

74862

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

By Gayeveryday - Canada - Truro

32379

5900

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

23090

3307

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

By notahero - United States - Brentwood

31242

2605

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

By jkin47 - United States

36573

4022

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

By kiwi2323 - United States

29297

3327

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

By Anonymous

The Girl Can't Help It

1742

189

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

By Shuttie - Denmark - Odense

15552

43481

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

By sad sack. - United States

24926

2847

Today, I was at my friends birthday party, dancing bare foot because my feet hurt from the heels. Apparently, someone dropped a glass on the dancefloor and didn't warn anybody. I ended up having to drive myself to the emergency room because all my friends were "having too much fun to leave." FML

By not-so-happy-feet - Canada

49946

6434

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

By pokie - United States

47771

9349