By - 27/1/2020 18:00

Glittery letters

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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Kids

Instadrama

Deadly cocktail

I CAN HEAR YOU

By gb739 - United States

Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML

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By Michaelichael - United States

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood (I am a hispanic male), and a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. FML

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odem

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

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By saxophone911 - United States

Today, at school, I saw the guy I like at his locker. I decided to run up from behind and surprise him. I ended up accidentally slamming his locker on his fingers. FML

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By Just Set Me On Fire

Nope.

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

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By Anonymousse - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML

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By anon - United States - Arverne

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

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By drama_queen - United States

Today, at my school, we had the opening night of our production in which I act. None of my family or friends came. Basically, after 3 long months of hard work, the only person to "congratulate" to me after the show was the head of the theater department, who just wanted to tell me I was doing it wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

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By smokin - United States

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenixville

Today, my college instructor told me I hadn't actually failed a big exam as he originally said. It turns out he'd mixed me up with another student. Now thanks to the power of gossip, half my class thinks I slept with him so he'd switch my grade with the other student's. FML

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14490

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By EconM - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

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By GideonSquire

Today, I walked through a car park and brutally bashed my head, leaving a tennis ball sized lump on my forehead on an overhead sign saying, "Max height 6"6'". I'm 6"4'. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

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53672

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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1496

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By Speechless

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

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By shaunaaa - Australia

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

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By Adopted

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

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By bad surprise - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By Belle - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 02:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Alexa, play "Repetition" by The Fall

Today, I woke up and realized it's still 2020. It's like Groundhog Day. FML

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584

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By Sad Chef ;( - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

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By fmyjob - United States

Today, I asked my boss for my first raise in almost two years, to which he replied, "In the real world, I think you've definitely earned one, but this isn't the real world." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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14230

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By fml9124 - 28/7/2020 20:00

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Today, my wife filed for divorce. Last month, she was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal, inoperable cancer. We got a second (confirmed) opinion. She has maybe six months left. She told me she doesn't want to spend her last remaining days on this earth with me. Our 33rd anniversary was in May. FML

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2491

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By :( - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

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By Lizziebelle - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By Perdedor - United States

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By dumbbb - United States

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

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10238

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By Dude - United States

Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML

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By livinproof

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Who the fuck are you?

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

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974

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By logansowow

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7877500 - Monday 27 January 2020 19:06

Aw c'mon OP have a sense of humor, that's hilarious!

By Drai Gray | 8

#7877489 - Monday 27 January 2020 18:20

our*

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7877488 - Monday 27 January 2020 18:19

Now we know where women with daddy issues come from.

By Drai Gray | 8

#7877489 - Monday 27 January 2020 18:20

our*

By bobsanction | 16

#7877490 - Monday 27 January 2020 18:22

Women say they want a man with a sense of humor until he starts doing funny shit.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7877500 - Monday 27 January 2020 19:06

Aw c'mon OP have a sense of humor, that's hilarious!

By Susan Yee | 9

#7877529 - Monday 27 January 2020 20:36

Truth hurts huh

By Charlie Given | 23

#7877608 - Tuesday 28 January 2020 2:01

I'm going to say that's tacky as hell and not funny ,both of my kids were birth control fails but I wouldn't be so tactless as to glorify it, it would be funny on an older child like a pre-teen or an adult but that's bordering on asinine to put that on a baby 🙄

1known | 29

#7877611 - Tuesday 28 January 2020 2:24

A baby doesn’t care at all about what’s written on it’s clothes.

Mathalamus | 24

#7878467 - Thursday 30 January 2020 19:42

They will in the future, if they see that picture.

By limeychefboy | 14

#7877629 - Tuesday 28 January 2020 5:22

If you can’t take a joke you shouldn’t have joined😃

By meghang220 | 10

#7877688 - Tuesday 28 January 2020 8:43

Hahahahahaha that’s hysterical 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 LMFAOOOOO

By J15237 | 21

#7877950 - Wednesday 29 January 2020 3:35

That is funny. Just let your husband have some fun and then maybe find a funny shirt for him to wear. Or something you wear that pokes fun of him. Its all in fun and games. Enjoy married life.

By Stacey’s mom | 8

#7879184 - Sunday 2 February 2020 19:43

I don’t know