By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 13:32 - India - Vijayawada

Dreams Never End

Today, I finally convinced my mother to allow me pursue my dream job after months of begging. I logged in to the college's website to register for the course and found that the final seat had been filled in today and I need to wait one more year for admission. FML

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Mixed signals

Property law

True hero

By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By grossew - 26/6/2019 07:00

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2017 06:00

recoils in horror

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

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By Poorlittlelady - 8/10/2018 22:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I was helping my elderly dementia client with her toilet. I reached in both front and back to pull up her pants for her. "Not too hard, nice and easy..." she said with a weird smile. I looked over to see I was actually pulling her nipple. FML

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By TheCerealKiller - 7/8/2012 09:19 - United States - Northridge

Today, I had an upset stomach. I decided to quickly take out the trash before heading to the bathroom. As I opened the trash can lid, a raccoon jumped out. I learned the literal meaning of being scared shitless. FML

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By Unwanted - 3/11/2015 19:10 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

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By Recovering Alcoholic - 17/12/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, half of my motivation to stop drinking is so that my tolerance will go down, because I currently can't actually afford enough alcohol to get even tipsy anymore. FML

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By I'm out - 6/9/2016 17:02 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

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By Alex - 5/2/2016 22:55 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

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By hudd357mag - 6/2/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

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By ChubbyTubby - 17/1/2010 18:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML

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By first time at McDonald's in months... - 27/3/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

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By wastedlove - 23/6/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

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By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

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By JustAnotherTina - 2/12/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got an email. It said "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By Jodie - 3/2/2012 12:48 - Australia

Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML

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By Oli974 - 22/10/2015 13:08 - France - N?ves-parmelan

Today, it's job interview day. In the elevator on the way there, I overheard potential candidates talking about the boss of the company, mocking his alleged lack of credibility. Who's the boss? Me. They don't know that yet. FML

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By freckleboy422 - 31/1/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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By humiliated - 14/1/2011 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

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By unlucky22 - 22/10/2017 19:00

Today, I turned twenty two. Three days ago I was fired. Two days ago I failed a midterm. Yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By no tp - 15/2/2012 01:26 - United States

Today, I forgot to grab toilet paper on the way home from work. Since I don't have a car and all of my friends have plans for Valentine's Day I'm now down to wiping with cotton balls. FML

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By Can't Unsee - 25/8/2018 22:00

Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML

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By heartbreakkid21 - 14/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I was on a date with this girl I actually like. The date was going really well and it seemed like it would be a good night. Well while in the movie theater I went to hold her hand and instead she gave me a hand shake and said "You're so funny I'm so glad we're friends". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

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By nothing - 18/5/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

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By karengoeswest - 16/8/2018 15:00

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By veggiegal - 13/2/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

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By ivegotapackage - 5/1/2015 23:47 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

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By The Draught of Living Death - 17/7/2018 15:00

Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 17:49 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I saw my former high school teacher at the mall. After a nice conversation, she mentioned that I "still dress like a slut." FML

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By JayFri - 6/6/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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By epicgamer - 13/9/2016 02:55 - United States - Fremont

Today, my extremely racist coworker was doing his usual thing. Since it was 9/11 he went absolutely hardcore on his "jokes" so I reported it to my supervisor. She asked what did he say specifically and I recited it to her. She decided to write me up for "making inappropriate comments at work". FML

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By pimpdaddyX - 22/9/2012 16:22 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

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By fucking Karens! - 11/8/2020 14:02

Karen strikes again

Today, I got lost searching for an apartment in a huge complex. A hysterical woman started screaming that I didn’t belong there, and that she was calling the police. She stood behind my car so I couldn’t leave. I’m a pizza delivery driver, in full uniform and with the company emblem on my car. FML

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By Thomas - 21/12/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

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By effyou - 10/2/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML

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By sleepy - 23/5/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

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By Champignon - 1/11/2013 14:17 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, during dinner, my mom told my dad and me in great detail about the "awesome" new cosmetic surgery idea she just had: constructing earlobes for lobeless ears, using skin taken from women's labia. I was forced to sit through this until I finished my plate. FML

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By blowinchunks - 24/11/2009 06:00 - Canada

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

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Top comments

By Suaria | 37

#7938649 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 16:22

Contact the professor. It's possible someone will drop out or the professor will let another person in.

By TomeDr | 21

#7938621 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 13:12

Use that time wisely. Get a job and save as much money as you can.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7938599 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 11:11

Well, you get to live another year with your mom. Rent-free, of course.'

By TomeDr | 21

#7938621 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 13:12

Use that time wisely. Get a job and save as much money as you can.

By Suaria | 37

#7938649 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 16:22

Contact the professor. It's possible someone will drop out or the professor will let another person in.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7938672 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 17:37

Why do you need permission?

Reply

julfunky | 29

#7939410 - Saturday 19 September 2020 20:50

She lives in India. Parents play a bigger role in their culture than many other places.

By tounces7 | 26

#7938702 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 19:47

Makes you wonder if your mother had been checking, and already knew this, and that's why she "gave in" at that very moment.