Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML
Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML
Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML
Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML
Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML
Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML
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Top comments
haloofduty27 12
Sorry man, hope you feel better soon.
Spade606 6
Looks like your not doing anal anytime soon
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Comments (141)
aguillory3088 0
That messed up
BeccaHugs 17
That damn mayonnaise. Sorry OP.
Petey_Piie 1
Look at the bright side: you now have an actual reason not to do anal when your boyfriend invites you.
DaKillaMafia 2
Unless he's gay, he doesn't have a boyfriend.
RaquelW 7
Because not wanting to do anal isn't reason enough...
Honda288 2
Ahahahaha! Check your self you moron, it's a dude.
ICATiger 13
Damn trolling girlfriend getting us back got the sandwich jokes. Still worth it.
ICATiger 13
Sorry got confused it's ment to be *back for the.
DracoSpirita 21
ROFL. Perfect.
laughterislife 2
Every time I see ROFL I think of Scooby Doo trying to say waffle.
robbydoherty 0
Lol
Pammy25 15
Ouch, dam sammich
pagullarka 9
So sad
DaKillaMafia 2
Now you have a reason to not let your girlfriend lick your ass.
Pelreskovich 11
No.
ShroomsOnAcid 17
But....but....that's every girl's dream!
Dracoboxer357 36
27- I can think of several reasons to not "let" someone lick my ass, needing an infected pucker to justify that decision never even crossed my mind. Ick. :p (It probably doesn't taste great, that's probably a good way to get pink eye, I don't like having a smily asshole....I don't think so anyways....never had one. Etc....)
PYLrulz 17
You NEVER go ass to mouth!
derkster 6
TMI...
PrayinSoul 0
#28. It's not enough. It's never enough. ^_^
chinchily 12
Should have stopped telling me to make u a sandwich jokes @$$hole (no pun intended lol) but really sorry to hear, hope it turns around for yah.
periwinkle95 10
We never asked if you were intending a pun. Also, please learn some grammar.
acetheone 8
don't you mean are an infected a--hole OP? fyl.lol.