Why don't you see what happens after the money starts rolling in? Having a steady job that pays well makes you a lot more attractive and popular. And if it doesn't work out, at least your earnings can buy you a kick-ass coffin! I'm getting one with Wi-Fi and snacks.

It took me a while to realize that I needed to find a career that lit a fire in me. Even then, having a life outside of work is just as important. Hug for you my friend

I'd highly advise seeking a therapist, specifically DBT is fantastic. Wishing you the best as you deal with all this 💜

You've just started! Merely starting will not address the problems that money is needed to solve - ya gotta get the paycheck and start applying the money to the problems, so stick to your old budget and use the extra money to start establishing an emergency fund, but first (seriously!) treat yourself to an indulgence. You've worked hard to get to this point, celebrate your accomplishment! You mourned the hardships, celebrate your success - even if it feels silly or too small to change anything. The point is to focus on the good result you achieved for yourself! If you can't bring yourself to do something selfish or hedonistic, make a small gift to a charity in your area and really focus on how good it feels to help someone out. And yes, if you find yourself "praying for death" please reach out to a therapist or crisis line. It can get better, and this new job is just one (big) step in that direction!