By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 23:01

Cool moves

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Cartoon villain

Miss me yet?

By musicman2005 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

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By Ella - Australia

Today, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our communication problems. He fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

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By no selfie for me - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 17:01

Take the compliment

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

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By horniness - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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By mikey51 - Australia

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

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By failed_catgirl - Canada

Meow meow

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naples

Today, I got a haircut. The guy quickly cut off most of the hair above my forehead. When I angrily asked him what he was doing, he said, "Quitting." FML

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By haley

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, I was walking to the bus stop. I saw a chunk of ice and attempted to kick it. Sadly it was frozen to the ground, so I fell, broke my toe, and missed the bus. Even the bus driver was laughing as he drove by. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, thanks to Grand Theft Auto, I found myself seriously thinking about holding up an armored bank truck when I saw it in traffic. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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By Random - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

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By crankg - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

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By smellyfeet - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Eat the rich

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

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By Whoops

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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By PEGASISTER FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!! - Mexico

Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML

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By breakmyfall - 15/11/2020 02:02

They're still books, technically

Today my brother's girlfriend came over to visit and we got to talking about books. Thinking she'd be interested, I suggested a few. She responded that she, "only read good literature." The only books I've ever seen her read are Fifty Shades of Grey and the Twilight Saga. FML

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By captainuniverse - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By studentdriver828 - United States

Today, I got my drivers license suspended until I am 18 for driving without a license. Where was I driving to? My last day of Drivers Ed. The high school where I take Drivers Ed. classes at is across the street from my house. I gave up 3 years of driving to drive 100 feet. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By potatoes - United States

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

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By michellemoyah - United States

Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML

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By Hellish - United States - Gurnee

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

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By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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By maaaryy - France

Today, I went into a shop, not really completely awake. To get to the upper floor, I took the escalator... in the wrong direction. After about 30 seconds (which seemed like hours) trying to climb up the wrong way, my brain started working and by that time I already had a few amused spectators watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

First Dates

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

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By bad_luck_chuck

Today, I got a Samsung Galaxy and opened the box to see a cracked screen. I showed the clerk and she said I must have dropped it. I hadn't moved since she handed me the box. FML

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By dillon - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

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By Bad parenting101 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

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By TheJeremyMoe - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

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By thanksbro - United States

Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML

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By deeenalynn - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

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By my arms hurt - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

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By lesousterre - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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Top comments

By mickymoose1 | 15

#7966243 - Friday 22 January 2021 1:05

Are you sure you sure you're allowed to be without adult supervision?

By SM79 | 2

#7966252 - Friday 22 January 2021 4:13

So let me get this straight.... You were water boarding yourself. You didn't like water boarding yourself....yet you continued to water board yourself...because your partner didn't physically stop you from water boarding yourself....?

Please don't have children.

COMMENTS

By bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#7966242 - Friday 22 January 2021 0:53

Is the FML here that you are stupid enough to waterboard yourself or that your partner didn’t stop you from waterboarding yourself?

By mickymoose1 | 15

#7966243 - Friday 22 January 2021 1:05

Are you sure you sure you're allowed to be without adult supervision?

By tounces7 | 27

#7966245 - Friday 22 January 2021 2:32

And you didn't just stop, why?

By peterblack67 | 9

#7966247 - Friday 22 January 2021 2:49

You were doing it to yourself. Not up to your partner to stop you.

By SM79 | 2

#7966252 - Friday 22 January 2021 4:13

So let me get this straight.... You were water boarding yourself. You didn't like water boarding yourself....yet you continued to water board yourself...because your partner didn't physically stop you from water boarding yourself....?

Please don't have children.

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 28

#7966275 - Friday 22 January 2021 7:50

I think the most amazing part is that she kept trying to breath while pouring water on her face. this whole thing would have been avoided if she recognized she can't breath under water.

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7966272 - Friday 22 January 2021 7:38

Is it online yet? Instagram? Tick Tock?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7966521 - Saturday 23 January 2021 3:27

You know it's supposed to go over your boobs, and not your face, right?

By coius | 23

#7966622 - Saturday 23 January 2021 14:41

I think the brain damage you must’ve suffered came from elsewhere. Did you drown as a child?

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7966763 - Sunday 24 January 2021 3:56

First of all, she poured water over herself during the song Cowboy, so that's your first mistake. Second, pretty sure she wasn't looking directly into the pitcher as she poured the water over her head. Third, well, it goes without saying - YDI.