Conspiracies claim another victim

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 164

Empathy lives

Broken heart

Stay mad

By FailedSniper - 22/03/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having I shot at him with the sniper gun I bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was ok. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 111

You deserved it 53 577

By bargainshopper - 16/10/2012 11:28 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 723

You deserved it 12 839

Motel 6 to 9

By gregm97 - 06/06/2020 05:03

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 150

By Anonymous - 14/06/2014 10:11 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 651

You deserved it 5 603

Bird song

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 20:00

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 396

By Problem - 07/11/2010 20:34 - United States

Today, my manager informed me that I will not be completing my job training because I'll be transferring to a different store, and if they want me to work there, that's their problem. Today, I also found out that the new store will not accept me as a transfer unless I've already been trained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 298

You deserved it 2 422

By people suck - 28/03/2015 04:16 - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 314

You deserved it 2 504

By youlyingjerk - 01/02/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 491

You deserved it 3 469

By DanTheMan - 21/10/2014 02:29

Today, my sister ended her long and extremely annoying crush on Justin Bieber. I can only hope one day my girlfriend will end hers too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 079

You deserved it 4 127

By JimmyJazzNJ - 12/04/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 732

You deserved it 5 081

By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 495

You deserved it 1 084

By ks0300 - 24/02/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 194

You deserved it 2 167

By blovesg - 07/04/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 273

You deserved it 538 251

By Anonymous - 19/01/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 800

You deserved it 2 834

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 06:19 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 561

You deserved it 4 817

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 191

You deserved it 4 569

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, after playing on the same basketball team for eight years with the same coach, he kicked me off the team to make room for my younger brother, who I taught to play basketball in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 663

You deserved it 4 252

By katiebug - 12/07/2016 02:27 - United States - Topeka

Today, I was trying to get a good night's sleep before the huge exam tomorrow, which I'm extremely anxious about. The SAME night my neighbor below me is having a home birth. It lasted NINE HOURS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 166

You deserved it 1 077

By Foufinator - 04/10/2009 19:33 - France

Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 054

You deserved it 3 548

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 19:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving in reverse, I hit my boyfriend's mom's car. I met her for the first time while giving her my information. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 896

You deserved it 7 875

Shut your pie hole, please

By An unemployed doorman - 14/02/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I have to listen to my flatmate complaining that ladies don’t shag him anymore since his dad, in Saudi Arabia, cut him off. Apparently, they show a lot of interest until he reveals his financial situation. The dude actually thought he was God's gift to women instead of a mobile ATM. What a tool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 106

By LadyLump - 24/01/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 035

You deserved it 4 571

Fucking Facebook memories

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 23:03 - Canada

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 736

You deserved it 187

By Anonymous - 05/04/2013 11:23 - Australia - Mackay

Today, I regretfully confessed to my parents I have trichotillomania. There was a torturous pause, followed by the question, "Are you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 862

You deserved it 5 064

Blind love

By sorry - 25/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 482

You deserved it 207

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 995

You deserved it 3 922

By Bengemon825 - 20/06/2015 19:03 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 623

You deserved it 4 161

By monsterinlaw - 21/01/2014 06:25 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 512

You deserved it 4 129

By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 11:46 - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 286

You deserved it 3 577

By tattooapprentice - 01/12/2018 17:30

Today, at my first day of my dream job, I dropped a delicate $700 piece of machinery on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 747

You deserved it 417

By sobasics - 06/05/2013 23:43 - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 343

You deserved it 3 704

In these times

By Dee Dee - 22/05/2020 08:00

Today, my husband and I purchased a new-used truck, after being assured for weeks by the company owner we work for that the company will remain open. Later, we received an email saying that the office is closing permanently. Our jobs are "secure", but he needs help selling and moving the equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 122

By haileelouxxx - 22/08/2014 12:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 551

You deserved it 5 412

By Reliena - 21/01/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 509

You deserved it 29 130

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 15:09 - United States - Beacon

Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey, how else is a guy supposed to get laid?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 915

You deserved it 7 013

By Anonymous - 24/06/2018 15:00

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 894

You deserved it 262

By papertrains - 20/02/2010 15:13 - Singapore

Today, I went to the hospital to get my ingrown toenail removed. The doctors put me on a little surgery table and told me to relax. They then injected anesthetic into my toe four times and used a pair of scissors to slowly cut through my nail. Only, the anesthetic hadn't started to work just yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 786

You deserved it 2 667

By Sexless from Texas - 24/04/2015 11:38 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 957

You deserved it 13 729

By yourebeautiful - 31/12/2011 20:37 - United States

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 032

You deserved it 2 805

By no she wasn't high - 02/12/2013 02:50 - United States - Garland

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that just because it says non-toxic on the crayons, it doesn't mean that you should eat them. She's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 802

You deserved it 5 864

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Bogrbon 24

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 11:29

Well, he’s not wrong that his phone is tracking him and google is definitely spying on more people than the CIA, NSA and FSB combined. Still, that’s no reason to destroy those things. We’ve already sold our souls to our technology.

DarkAngelsBlade 25

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 21:07

He's not wrong, he's just stupid. Not to be rude or anything. I'd recommend teaching him the scientific method of fact checking oh and tell him that they won't snitch about porn.

Comments

Jonkbaby 21

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 11:13

He's protecting his family

Bogrbon 24

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 11:29

rgkkk 17

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 11:33

This information is 100% correct. But the reaction is kind of over the board. It's not like they are trying to kill us, only benefit from us and hurting us would prevent that

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 17:41

Good thing you didn't tell him about the computers in our cars and TVs.

DarkAngelsBlade 25

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 21:07

He's not wrong, he's just stupid. Not to be rude or anything. I'd recommend teaching him the scientific method of fact checking oh and tell him that they won't snitch about porn.

Chazzster 22

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 21:45

(1) OP, your son is an idiot to destroy things that are not his. (2) He must be into some really nasty porn that he reacted this way. (3) There have to be consequences - He must make an attempt toward restitution. And password protect all replacements and make sure idiot son never gets the password.

sarahcroy20 12

Send a private message

Sunday 22 November 2020 4:58

I'm wondering how old he is and maybe he needs some help?

Warp1978 15

Send a private message

Sunday 22 November 2020 18:38

Ha wait until he learns about the Internet of things.

Grizz8831 13

Send a private message

Sunday 22 November 2020 21:28

just tell him to google 15 random things every day. the more pointless information he puts out there the harder he is to track. it isn't easy trying to stalk someone's web use when half of it isn't even related to anything about them... so I've heard... from friends.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 13

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 26

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 2 418