Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve...

By failure - 14/7/2011 16:24 - Russian Federation

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Dangling modifier

No justice

By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 17:43 - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

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By anonymous - 8/9/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

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By downgirl - 4/11/2015 06:02 - United States - Norman

Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

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By anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

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By sarad206 - 19/2/2014 21:09 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 20:41 - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

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By pits - 5/1/2015 04:30

Today, I finally noticed after months of having the same cover photo on several websites, that it looks like I have a bushel of armpit hair due to a shadow. FML

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By crappy_day - 9/1/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 02:00

Deal or no Deal

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

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910

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By sweet - 28/7/2016 02:50

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

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16658

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By justnance - 22/12/2011 18:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

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By - 20/1/2017 09:25

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

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By theunluckylifeofme - 26/6/2013 20:33 - United States - Gilroy

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

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By - 14/2/2020 05:00

Pain in the neck

Today, my mom drove my car and ran had to make a u turn on a narrow street. Instead of slowing down, she speeds to turn running off the road and denting my car. Make it worse, she blamed me for not giving her good directions. Then follows up with it is not that bad. FML

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1450

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By MY CAR - 15/11/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

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By krizleykrislo - 30/4/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

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By jordigs - 23/12/2009 08:46 - United States

Today, the elderly couple next door asked me to cut down a tree in their yard. It turns out they told me to cut down the wrong tree, and I cut down the tree they got married under. They now hate me and tell me they plan to sue me for damage to property. FML

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By All the ills - 15/2/2016 20:32 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was miserable with a cold. So I ordered soup and noodles from a new Chinese restaurant. Now I am miserable with a cold and food poisoning. FML

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By Sara1990 - 23/8/2010 11:40 - Australia

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 20:17 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

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By Aaron - 27/1/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asks me out. I say "sure" sarcastically. She then calls my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

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By tessamarque - 5/4/2012 15:07 - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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27511

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By Spooderman - 4/2/2016 02:04 - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

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25699

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By GnatEater - 7/9/2018 15:00

Kinky.

Today, I made a horrific discovery; the months-long gnat epidemic in my spotlessly clean home has been emanating from my coffee pot. They've been procreating inside it all this time. I use it every day. FML

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By plasticfantastic - 25/4/2009 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

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By clublulu - 10/4/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

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By EnemyofKarma - 4/3/2010 08:52 - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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By Ticketshame - 8/5/2019 08:00

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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2019

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By aces10 - 25/1/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

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By ruvru - 10/4/2009 17:13 - United States

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

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56581

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 13:56 - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

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12238

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2013 21:29 - United States - Beloit

Today, I went for a checkup after having recently been fitted with dental implants. The oral surgeon I chose was supposedly the best in the area, but it turns out that he inserted the implants at the wrong angle. Now I have to have further surgery to correct it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2013 10:06 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

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By gotmon3y - 7/4/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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By frustrated girlfriend - 29/12/2016 03:30 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML

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5140

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2019 16:30

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

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By ppd_sucks - 29/12/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, my wife and I received confirmation that she has postpartum depression. When sharing this with the family, my mother exclaimed "I told you she was a psycho!" Now my wife is crying louder and more often than our newborn. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Princess ? - 12/4/2020 14:00

Buzzing the tower

Today, I was taking a shower when my husband suddenly came in naked. I thought we were gonna have some fun, and so tried to be sexy. He took a quick shower and left. FML

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1826

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By Confused - 13/5/2013 14:39 - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

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Top comments

By Melofa | 7

#2891963 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:35

why would they turn off the whole neighborhoods water? can't they just shut off your neighbors?

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2891967 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:37

I've personally wanted to live in a zoo ever since I first watched Madagascar.

COMMENTS

By Melofa | 7

#2891963 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:35

why would they turn off the whole neighborhoods water? can't they just shut off your neighbors?

ERIKER | 11

#2891985 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:41

It's Russia, Of course can't

Futacy | 29

#2892101 - Friday 15 July 2011 0:16

Congratulations, the water company is run by dumbasses

rallets | 22

#2892136 - Friday 15 July 2011 0:26

in Soviet Russia, water shuts YOU off

Drigr | 9

#2892380 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:00

why would not having water for a day mean you smell like a zoo animal? if its THAT bad it's not just from today dude

dolphincheddar | 10

#2892532 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:17

is that bad in Russia? some places ive been it's quite attractive. they even made a cologne for it. it gets the ladies 50% of the time, allll the time.

FunnyWeasel | 7

#2893836 - Friday 15 July 2011 3:21

Water you doing to my boiler?

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2891967 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:37

I've personally wanted to live in a zoo ever since I first watched Madagascar.

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2892454 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:08

*Lame hipster voice* I've wanted to live in a zoo before they were invented, but now I use a xoo, a product from apple that let's me experience a zoo, virtually.

KillerSong | 11

#2893377 - Friday 15 July 2011 2:23

lol #27
and I feel sorry for you OP

Ferretface | 13

#2895202 - Friday 15 July 2011 6:23

27- You mean an iXoo?

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2895724 - Friday 15 July 2011 7:54

Guys, let's get serious. Madagascar is like, the best damn movie out there. XD

By RabidBunny | 10

#2891997 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:44

In Soviet Russia...actually all Soviet Russian jokes have been obsolete since 1991. I'm sure the boiler will be fixed soon so don't worry.

mynameis1339 | 0

#2892342 - Friday 15 July 2011 0:55

that's why the joke starts with "In soviet Russia..." that's the proper why to say it.

Glad2BHisWife | 1

#2892403 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:02

please send this comment to call of duty

Delta2Almanac | 7

#2892406 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:02

In Mother Russia water shut off you!

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2893338 - Friday 15 July 2011 2:20

In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia jokes still exist!

By StudMuffinette | 17

#2892003 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:45

Aww, that really sucks. FYL

killmenow03 | 21

#5824485 - Saturday 11 January 2014 21:57

There happens to be this little button up top that says "I agree, your life sucks"
USE IT.
Thank you.

By Doortje | 28

#2892017 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:47

At least you're not the only one who smells like a zoo animal, your whole neighbourhood does!

redbluegreen | 40

#2895459 - Friday 15 July 2011 7:03

They could start a circus!

jesernoob | 13

#2895957 - Friday 15 July 2011 8:46

sounds like a fun carpool ride to me xD

By raphanne_fml | 33

#2892022 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:49

Well, you just have to pray that your neighbor doesn't blow a fuse or break his heating in winter.... FYL

By blackbelt25 | 12

#2892025 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:49

i broke my ankle a month ago, i could only shower once a week, at most!

toelie | 25

#2892060 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:59

Did you wash in the mean time?

raphanne_fml | 33

#2893001 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:48

Er... I broke my ankle and my fist once, I could still shower everyday!!! Just have to put a plastic bag on your cast!

By Josh67 | 1

#2892039 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:54

why not go to a public bath... ( well iI there is one)

Josh67 | 1

#2892047 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:55

By perdix | 29

#2892045 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:55

Sounds like a great excuse to drink a shitload of vodka. Or bathe in it.

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2892066 - Friday 15 July 2011 0:03

Go to the park and take a bath in the fountain with the animals.

slopijoe | 0

#2895857 - Friday 15 July 2011 8:22

and the homeless lol