Animals and Health: Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the... - FML

By mother of piggies

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Mother of the year

By do your own ironing

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

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By nothappywithlife - United States

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

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By sparky83000 - Canada

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

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By aaah. - Canada - Caronport

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

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By notaguidette - United States

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

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By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

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By breakmyfall - 15/11/2020 02:02

They're still books, technically

Today my brother's girlfriend came over to visit and we got to talking about books. Thinking she'd be interested, I suggested a few. She responded that she, "only read good literature." The only books I've ever seen her read are Fifty Shades of Grey and the Twilight Saga. FML

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By sqquish - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

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By ShortieRose

Always proofread before sending

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

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By Sleepy - United Kingdom - Hayes

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

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By mobster - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

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By giantcuntflaps - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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By lydiacoolness - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 17:02

Boozehound

Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my way to the break room, it seemed as if everyone was staring at me and giving me odd looks. I asked my friend, "Did I get prettier overnight or something?" She answered, "No, your shirt is just see-through." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was greeting customers at work. After saying good morning to one man, he stopped and looked at me from head to toe before smirking and saying, "Mmmm." He then turned around and said, "It's starting." It's only my first day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

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By SakuraBreeze - United States

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

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By "people these days" - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Littleton

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By rained - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By Davios - United States

Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML

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By n77 - Switzerland

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

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By daddydaughterWTF - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML

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By TheDarth - United States - Bedford

Today, it's got to the point where my parents have to force me to plan social outings. FML

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By LilPie - United States - Fort Washington

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

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By Nasty - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

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By NowImSingle

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and threw all my stuff out into the yard because she caught me "texting another woman". Guess it didn't matter to her that the contact name was "Mom". FML

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By peeoncarl1111 - United States

Admission time

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

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By aliqi - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went running for the first time in a few months. I had what I thought was an asthma attack. When I got home, I realized that it was not asthma, but instead I have gained so much weight that my running bra restricted my breathing. FML

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By owowowow - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

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By Ew?Really? - United States - Montrose

Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML

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Top comments

By manb91uk | 22

#7618918 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

It's alright, feed the little shit-machine coffee beans and marvet it as a new forum of Kopie Luack

By sixtus1973 | 27

#7618917 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

I would say you are not exactly a coffee expert.

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7618915 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:26

How fucking disgusting is must your coffee be for a rodent to be able to shit in it without you noticing? Even instant coffee's not that bad.

By sixtus1973 | 27

#7618917 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

I would say you are not exactly a coffee expert.

By manb91uk | 22

#7618918 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

It's alright, feed the little shit-machine coffee beans and marvet it as a new forum of Kopie Luack

Reply

sixtus1973 | 27

#7618920 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:31

*Kopi Luwak

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7618946 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 16:10

"The best part of waking up is guinea pig poop in your cup!"

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7618950 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 16:16

I always thought coffee was crap but that is just ridiculous

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7618957 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 16:42

Poop shouldn't be hard enough to shoot out of any bum hole. Your pet needs more fiber in their diet.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7618986 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 17:39

Sounds like premeditated turder

By RichardPencil | 30

#7618992 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 17:59

“I had a dream there were turds in my coffee,

Turds in my coffee, and

You’re so...”

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7619020 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 19:03

Thumbs up for the Carly Simon song reference.

By AzrielB | 8

#7619009 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 18:36

seems more likely it was a mouse in your cupboard and the poop just looks similar. still an FML though

By dexter420 | 21

#7619156 - Thursday 5 April 2018 2:43

I don’t think you learned shit