Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the... - FML

By mother of piggies - 4/4/2018 15:00

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

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Peaky Bladders

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 02:00

Freak out

Today, we ended the night with a yellow jacket queen trying to make a home in our apartment's kitchen. FML

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By larsn - 3/6/2016 20:32 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 01:15 - India - Ahmedabad

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

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By Moimoi78 - 1/2/2017 05:00 - Australia - Eatons Hill

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

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By purpleskylight - 27/6/2012 05:29 - United States - Lexington

Today, I tried for 45 minutes to convince my psychiatrist to take me off my antidepressant. When he finally agreed to do so, I broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Hello, increased prescription. FML

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By anonymous - 10/12/2015 02:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By L0L59 - 7/9/2018 14:30

Today, I got my braces checked by another orthodontist since I've had them for years and my teeth never got the way they should be. After 8 years and 27 x-ray exams, my orthodontist didn't do much except loosen the root of the tooth to the point where I can move it. FML

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By Annette - 22/9/2012 16:17 - United States - Seattle

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

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By Benji - 22/1/2009 12:06 - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

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By wormsick - 6/12/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 15:08 - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

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By I know nothing - 5/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

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By fatman - 10/8/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

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By raquelcita - 26/8/2016 06:05 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I went to my boss with concerns that my manager is dumping her responsibilities on me. He agreed and told me to just do whatever she wants. She gets paid twice as much as me to talk on her cellphone all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:20 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

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By Franigirl - 26/2/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - 22/2/2015 13:54 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By dieders - 12/12/2016 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML

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By swedishdude - 14/11/2009 13:37 - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By duckwater - 1/3/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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By shredded - 12/2/2011 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML

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By Toloveornottolove - 12/6/2016 16:08 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I was about to call my parents and tell them we're getting married, but they called me first to announce they're getting a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

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By Heggs - 31/10/2018 17:30

Today, it's Halloween. I get bullied every day and this was no exception, but this time I got beat up so hard I bled. Everyone thought it was part of my costume. FML

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By overundereducated - 13/3/2020 18:00

The Birmingham School of Business School

Today, I found out that my stick figure drawing passed as homework during my doctoral level seminar. I'm paying over two thousand dollars for this course. FML

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By jazz - 22/1/2010 08:11 - France

Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML

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By edulover - 1/1/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 11:47 - Denmark

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his cell, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me "he was so sad that we broke up." I didn't know. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By Suprise - 17/8/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML

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By oldtexas - 13/8/2009 07:27 - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

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By Monkeyspank - 26/1/2017 22:00

Today, my sister decided that it would be a great idea to give my almost two-year-old son some strong black coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 23:03 - United States - Chester

Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By Steve-noh - 10/8/2018 23:30

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 15:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

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By kittykat033 - 8/3/2014 17:19 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I started at my new job. My manager, upon meeting me, hugged me and sniffed my neck, then commented that I smelled "natural" and told me how much he loves that. I have to work with this creep until god knows when. FML

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By soapy - 1/10/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

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Top comments

By manb91uk | 22

#7618918 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

It's alright, feed the little shit-machine coffee beans and marvet it as a new forum of Kopie Luack

By sixtus1973 | 27

#7618917 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

I would say you are not exactly a coffee expert.

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7618915 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:26

How fucking disgusting is must your coffee be for a rodent to be able to shit in it without you noticing? Even instant coffee's not that bad.

By sixtus1973 | 27

#7618917 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

I would say you are not exactly a coffee expert.

By manb91uk | 22

#7618918 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:29

It's alright, feed the little shit-machine coffee beans and marvet it as a new forum of Kopie Luack

Reply

sixtus1973 | 27

#7618920 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 15:31

*Kopi Luwak

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7618946 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 16:10

"The best part of waking up is guinea pig poop in your cup!"

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7618950 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 16:16

I always thought coffee was crap but that is just ridiculous

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7618957 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 16:42

Poop shouldn't be hard enough to shoot out of any bum hole. Your pet needs more fiber in their diet.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7618986 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 17:39

Sounds like premeditated turder

By RichardPencil | 28

#7618992 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 17:59

“I had a dream there were turds in my coffee,

Turds in my coffee, and

You’re so...”

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7619020 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 19:03

Thumbs up for the Carly Simon song reference.

By AzrielB | 8

#7619009 - Wednesday 4 April 2018 18:36

seems more likely it was a mouse in your cupboard and the poop just looks similar. still an FML though

By dexter420 | 21

#7619156 - Thursday 5 April 2018 2:43

I don’t think you learned shit