Intimacy: Call Mario - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 1 251

Call Mario

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 15:57

Spicy

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 954

You deserved it 38 419

Walk the line

Save yourself

Old lady hotline

23/09/2015 15:48

Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 329

You deserved it 4 309

Interpreter blues

By Aleksandar Veljović - 25/11/2020 05:01

Today, at the hospital, I had to tell someone he was going to die because I was the only one to speak his language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 54

23/10/2015 00:18

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 966

You deserved it 1 446

30/11/2014 04:29

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 472

You deserved it 3 388

21/05/2015 02:49

Today, I got a call from a really great company that I applied to work for, asking me to come in for an interview. When I went in, they had no appointment scheduled and no idea who I was. It turned out it was all a prank by my brother and his friends. My brother is 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 464

You deserved it 2 152

04/03/2012 05:51

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 569

You deserved it 3 496

18/04/2016 08:39

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 659

You deserved it 1 343

12/06/2017 00:00

Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 866

You deserved it 864

Fuck your "beach body" noise

By that’s not how it works - 16/07/2021 02:01

Today, my daughter expressed wanting to lose weight so I took her to a licensed dietician nutritionist to get her a healthy eating plan, and even made her an appointment with a personal trainer to get her on track. I walked in on her eating a whole box of laxatives, because "this way is faster." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 033

You deserved it 92

06/09/2010 18:01

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 984

You deserved it 3 206

07/03/2010 08:13

Spicy

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 374

You deserved it 28 756

17/10/2011 11:46

Today, it's my sister's birthday. My parents got her a cat. I have serious allergies when it comes to cats. When I brought this issue up with my parents, they replied, "This day is not about you, it's about your sister." I can feel my throat tightening already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 023

You deserved it 3 324

13/09/2010 06:49

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 133

You deserved it 3 292

18/12/2018 12:00

Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 202

You deserved it 234

Creepy

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 09:41

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 994

You deserved it 4 516

29/04/2009 10:16

Spicy

Today, I was feeling up my girlfriends chest. I was getting into it until she said "What are you doing?" I said I was rubbing her nipple. She replies, "Thats not my nipple, its a pimple." I felt up a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 102

You deserved it 43 710

Can't get no…

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 09:05

Spicy

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 239

14/08/2015 23:38

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 789

You deserved it 1 769

13/08/2011 06:37

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 978

You deserved it 4 715

03/10/2014 21:13

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 781

You deserved it 2 942

12/08/2014 17:55

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 267

You deserved it 3 345

20/09/2015 23:59

Spicy

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 129

You deserved it 2 504

24/01/2010 02:14

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 314

You deserved it 25 400

03/07/2013 17:35

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 538

You deserved it 5 954

05/04/2013 00:10

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 182

You deserved it 12 417

20/03/2016 18:25

Today, looking to hire new tech support members, but due to not looking over any resumés, my ex-wife is now one of our potential candidates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 024

You deserved it 7 422

03/07/2019 14:00

Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 122

15/12/2013 06:47

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 328

You deserved it 35 654

27/04/2013 06:33

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 630

You deserved it 79 786

22/08/2009 17:46

Spicy

Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 215

You deserved it 6 650

07/05/2012 20:38

Spicy

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 147

You deserved it 12 070

24/03/2011 22:51

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 789

You deserved it 3 613

01/12/2016 18:29

Today, I had dinner with my boyfriend's family. His 3-year-old nephew came running for a hug. At the last second, he darted past my arms and bit me on the ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 544

You deserved it 823

17/01/2017 10:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 015

You deserved it 1 210

12/05/2009 07:19

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 992

You deserved it 12 376

10/01/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 961

You deserved it 506

23/12/2014 15:24

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 882

You deserved it 3 391

22/04/2012 05:20

Today, I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. The lady he has been seeing is a choreographer that was teaching him how to dance salsa for our wedding rehearsal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 163

You deserved it 2 610

05/05/2019 16:00

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 2 666

17/08/2016 07:11

Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 588

You deserved it 2 699

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:06

Things got heavy or you are heavy?

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:14

YDI. First, making out in the bathroom is just nasty. Second, it's a sink, not a sofa. You're both idiots for using it as one. Hopefully you're both forced to pay for the damage.

Comments

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:04

Fatass.

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:07

agreed.

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:21

yes I also agree.

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:45

hahahahahahahahaha

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 21:53

ya way to go fatty

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 22:19

why fatass... perhaps it was doggy style...may be guy pushed to hard

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Thursday 13 January 2011 3:07

damn straight it got "heavy" haha very heavy

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Thursday 13 January 2011 4:52

yuck! Canadian party...

Chunkylover76 4

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Thursday 13 January 2011 7:25

Fuck you! Canadian girls rock...and Canadian parties rock!!

Chunkylover76 4

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Thursday 13 January 2011 7:33

Fat girls are some of the freakiest, most hardcore sex partners on the planet! The ones I've been with have all been super wild in the sack, and they're built to take a pounding! :) So before you knock one, cock one!! P.S.- if it was a pedestal sink, it could have come of the pedestal and snapped the pipes easily! It wouldn't taken much weight at all!

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Friday 14 January 2011 8:06

^^ yeah its all fun and games til the fatass gets on top

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Sunday 16 January 2011 3:40

lol agreed

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Monday 17 January 2011 9:06

love it

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Monday 2 May 2011 7:11

things were already heavy before you were with him (you) fatass

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Friday 30 December 2011 22:28

u shouldnt make fun of people because of their weight and the sink could've been old and rusty she might not even weigh that much!

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Friday 22 June 2012 3:57

Dude your like my best friend right now lol anything that comes out of your mouth is pretty much the same thing I'm thinking of putting xD

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:05

lol.

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Tuesday 19 April 2011 4:37

sounds like "things" didn't really get heavy. it was just you who was heavy XD

omgpewpewlazersp 0

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:05

dayum, YDI for being a chunky munkey

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 21:51

Chunky munkey gettin funky with a junky at the party

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 21:55

haha win^

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Thursday 13 January 2011 2:16

How do you know she's big? A lot of sinks can't really support the weight of a child even.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 7:19

He was also able to lift her

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:06

Things got heavy or you are heavy?

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:21

Lol! Good one! 

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 20:05

nice!

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 20:28

nice!

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 20:50

Oh wait no, I didn't see that the comment was by the same person...

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Thursday 13 January 2011 2:45

your profile pic is awesome

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Thursday 13 January 2011 8:07

Damn u I was about to post that. /:

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Thursday 13 January 2011 8:14

Gerard Way!

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Friday 21 June 2013 5:25

Heavy girls ftw!!

b6000 0

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:09

that sucks lol

vietchincboi4u 1

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:09

m l

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:12

Sounds like YOU got heavy to me.

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:23

lol!!

InBetweenDreams 0

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:12

lmao, that's embarrassing.

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:13

how old was that apartment/sink?!

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 19:14

YDI. First, making out in the bathroom is just nasty. Second, it's a sink, not a sofa. You're both idiots for using it as one. Hopefully you're both forced to pay for the damage.

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Wednesday 12 January 2011 23:27

That's nothing. While hanging out at a friend's house in high school, another of our friends came over with her boyfriend, promptly went into the bathroom and loudly fucked him, then came out and left. Talk about gross. Who DOES that?

Grand_Cookie 21

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Thursday 13 January 2011 0:09

You'd be suprised.....