By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 14:02

Boredom

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

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Commando

And today, on Dr Phil…

In-laws, in-fighting

By catfriend - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

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45925

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By teapotrevolt - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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15481

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By legotron - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 21:27

Contact

Today, I found out my mum has been using my electric shaver for several months to shave her pubes and underarms. FML

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848

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 23:01

Unloveable

Today, I was paired up with a girl in my class for a project. She started crying. FML

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875

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By illjustlimpthen - United States - Waukesha

Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

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25420

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By black and yellow - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

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23760

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By washed - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

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30956

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By pizzaface - United States

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

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28022

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By TaintedL0v3 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

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1135

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195

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By amorousintx - United States

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

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28237

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By lhazel - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. He said he wanted to be a bartender, and single. FML

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23157

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2065

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

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55904

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2021 02:01

Sketchy

Today, I met my boyfriend’s female friend. We all went out to dinner, he paid for her meal instead of mine, asked me why I’m not a redhead like her, and when he dropped her off at her house, spent the entire hour car ride talking about how perfect she is. He still has no idea why I’m upset with him. FML

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1279

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130

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By chelsea

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

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34499

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13859

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By fml_anon - United Kingdom - London

GHOSTS!

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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17037

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4226

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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15804

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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6269

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By geedeewhy

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

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2502

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737

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By thisisnotavirustrustme.exe - United States - New City

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

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28326

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4685

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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36927

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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4107

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380

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By Karen - United States

Knackered

Today, in the middle of sex my boyfriend asked if he could use the bathroom. It would've been fine, if he didn't fall asleep on the toilet. FML

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27460

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By Rhine - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

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33068

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was my dad who got me a phone charger for my car, which I didn't even need because he got me the same exact thing last year. FML

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46633

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By ananomus - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

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35065

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By N/A - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

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29369

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

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37342

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4024

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By Ilovelife07 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML

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42637

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By "7thwardlord"

Today, I decided to be nice and "drop" a twenty in my grandma's house for her to find. She injured her back while picking it up. FML

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3883

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819

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By Anonymous - Australia - Engadine

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

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23327

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 17:02

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

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1539

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174

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

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16659

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By facepalm - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

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28111

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 04:56 - United States - Marietta

Bye Herbie

Today, after hours of waiting and $300 spent, I find out my transmission is dying. My car is old, so the price of rebuilding it is more than it's worth. That's money well spent. FML

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747

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By Deadendjob

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5584

You deserved it

391

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By gottalovefriends - United States - Atkinson

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

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33853

You deserved it

4875

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By datingamoron - United States

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

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28261

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By Hopeless

Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39777

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By nsb124 - United States

Today, it was my brother's birthday. I was short on money but got him a present anyway. After opening it, he looked at it and said, "I didn't really want this." FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7918770 - Friday 3 July 2020 14:48

"How can you be bored? Hamilton is on Disney+ now!" - My roommate
"Bitch, Space Force is on Netflix, and that has John Malkovich in it!" - Me

By RichardPencil | 30

#7918778 - Friday 3 July 2020 15:18

If the doctor is a hot woman, you should be excited. Maybe she could cure your ED. ;)

It'd be good news that your dick works, but more importantly, you'd save ton of money on those fuckin' pills!

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7918770 - Friday 3 July 2020 14:48

"How can you be bored? Hamilton is on Disney+ now!" - My roommate
"Bitch, Space Force is on Netflix, and that has John Malkovich in it!" - Me

By RichardPencil | 30

#7918778 - Friday 3 July 2020 15:18

If the doctor is a hot woman, you should be excited. Maybe she could cure your ED. ;)

It'd be good news that your dick works, but more importantly, you'd save ton of money on those fuckin' pills!

By Sgt.floppyweiner | 2

#7919162 - Saturday 4 July 2020 20:08

your girlfriend's probably fat and you're not attracted to her