By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 14:02

Boredom

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

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1358

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Family values

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 17:00

Indifference

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

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456

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4538

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 14:47 - Canada

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

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39677

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 13:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a job interview. I got there as quick as I could, having to travel 2 hours into a city I'd never been to. When I arrived, they told me I was turned down for being too late. They'd rescheduled the interview an hour earlier and I wasn't notified of the change. FML

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3540

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148

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By toothfairy - 26/6/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

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46582

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By runandmope - 29/7/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was "ok." He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was - for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML

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29739

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By lurna301 - 17/7/2012 00:58 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

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31604

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3227

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By googly191 - 19/12/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

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34553

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2459

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By Mandoune - 7/11/2008 14:18 - Finland

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

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45047

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By fuck family - 17/7/2013 20:13 - Poland - Walbrzych

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

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50736

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By ruined_suit - 17/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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57813

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By Blonde - 11/3/2015 03:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

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31000

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By a.baybay - 7/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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12042

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By PuppyPeeTimee. - 17/9/2010 06:30 - United Kingdom

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

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35540

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3492

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By Timetoloseweight - 11/11/2009 16:03 - France

Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML

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27827

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By CollegeKid - 27/10/2015 10:28 - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

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26133

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By UnluckyJulie - 2/11/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

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41193

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 19:04 - Norway - Rakkestad

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30181

You deserved it

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By snitcheyes - 9/11/2010 16:00 - United States

Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28799

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By Ashlee - 15/2/2010 15:21 - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41321

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7781

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By Ginny - 30/6/2009 09:23 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to start running to stay fit. Before I left, I put my cell phone in my sweat shirt pocket, and jumped vigorously up and down and ran around my apartment to make sure it wouldn't fall out. On a bridge, it slides out of my pocket and drops fifteen feet into the water below. FML

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44320

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By - 31/12/2009 18:23 - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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6080

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By Jay - 2/8/2010 17:23 - United States

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

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20600

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By Kelly - 26/5/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2227

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128

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By f - 31/1/2011 05:47

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

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30176

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7837

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By last time I drive stoned - 8/12/2012 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

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8375

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25808

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By ohforchristssake - 21/9/2015 02:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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23811

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2138

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2020 14:00

Bad liar

Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents were coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML

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1586

You deserved it

222

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 18:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31424

You deserved it

2561

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By solomantis - 30/7/2009 05:46 - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15868

You deserved it

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By definatelynotamurderer - 3/3/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35364

You deserved it

2228

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48431

You deserved it

19239

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2016 16:58

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9390

You deserved it

994

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By pleasebackintomycaragain - 24/4/2009 02:12 - Canada

Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50088

You deserved it

3311

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By englishornah - 23/4/2015 02:53 - United States - Somerset

Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27325

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 02:00 - United States

ACAB

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1446

You deserved it

627

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By epic flash - 2/10/2017 20:00

Wild Child

Today, my daughter's quirkiness and eccentricities may have gone to a whole new level when her school faculty describes her as "no stranger to LSD". She's 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2985

You deserved it

234

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By bubblegummm13 - 27/9/2009 04:30 - Canada

Today, I got an email from my University informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33617

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2015 09:01 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I was at a get-together at a friend's house. Half an hour in, it became clear that someone had farted, and we all took turns asking who it was. When someone asked me, my girlfriend chimed in with, "Oh please, if it was him, you'd all be dead". FML

I agree, your life sucks

24791

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4636

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By FUCK ME, MAKE IT STOP - 1/11/2013 18:38 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go to a big dinner with my insane relatives. Highlights of conversation included my sister telling us about the "country of Iowa", my dad accusing me of faking my chronic fatigue syndrome, and my grandpa claiming that Nelson Mandela is the Antichrist. FML

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38836

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7918770 - Friday 3 July 2020 14:48

"How can you be bored? Hamilton is on Disney+ now!" - My roommate
"Bitch, Space Force is on Netflix, and that has John Malkovich in it!" - Me

By RichardPencil | 28

#7918778 - Friday 3 July 2020 15:18

If the doctor is a hot woman, you should be excited. Maybe she could cure your ED. ;)

It'd be good news that your dick works, but more importantly, you'd save ton of money on those fuckin' pills!

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7918770 - Friday 3 July 2020 14:48

"How can you be bored? Hamilton is on Disney+ now!" - My roommate
"Bitch, Space Force is on Netflix, and that has John Malkovich in it!" - Me

By RichardPencil | 28

#7918778 - Friday 3 July 2020 15:18

If the doctor is a hot woman, you should be excited. Maybe she could cure your ED. ;)

It'd be good news that your dick works, but more importantly, you'd save ton of money on those fuckin' pills!

By jac_1964_au | 23

#7918952 - Saturday 4 July 2020 9:17

Lay on your back relax and get someone to give the young fella a good suck. You will be cured

By Sgt.floppyweiner | 2

#7919162 - Saturday 4 July 2020 20:08

your girlfriend's probably fat and you're not attracted to her