Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182 - FML

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

By collegestudent - 20/09/2019 02:01

Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 292

You deserved it 191

Age difference

Dysfunctional

Bodyshaming

TW: Gross

By Anonymous - 14/02/2011 00:09 - Denmark

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 340

You deserved it 2 821

By blahhhh - 09/04/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 356

You deserved it 4 981

By yanksbitethebig1 - 16/03/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I heard back from my store management interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called HR to find out if my application was in the wrong file I was told I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 970

You deserved it 6 115

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 05:05 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boss wrote me up for saying "pissed" in front of a client. This is the same boss who nearly pissed himself laughing when a client made an extremely off-color Holocaust joke a few weeks ago, in front of half the department. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 162

You deserved it 1 496

By uglyguy252 - 16/05/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 365

You deserved it 3 625

ESPN Love

By pieceofcake163 - 29/12/2009 08:59 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 552

You deserved it 17 021

By failure - 22/09/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 672

You deserved it 5 021

By Lizziebelle - 01/12/2016 08:07 - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 777

You deserved it 748

By Noname - 15/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 282

You deserved it 5 609

By Username - 29/05/2014 14:14 - United States

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 917

You deserved it 4 709

By OhMyWhitney - 20/02/2012 07:41 - United States

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 166

You deserved it 32 816

By UhhhUhhhRRRick - 05/03/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 010

You deserved it 4 370

By maggu - 11/02/2013 04:26 - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 131

You deserved it 7 384

By Musicfreak - 18/12/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 593

You deserved it 30 704

By RdL - 17/03/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 462

You deserved it 31 405

By travelsickness - 10/08/2010 13:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren't allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 425

You deserved it 3 347

By iwantmoney - 22/07/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 187

You deserved it 5 108

By meeranda - 01/01/2010 05:07 - France

Spicy

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 353

You deserved it 32 719

By Anonymous - 23/03/2014 16:59 - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 091

You deserved it 3 684

By limeiscool - 04/08/2019 04:00

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 1 860

By Crazy cat lady - 10/04/2015 15:20 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's noisiest cat passed away. My previously-silent cat has decided that someone has to fill the void, and has been running around the apartment howling ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 808

You deserved it 3 616

Who knows?

By lilyann - 24/12/2020 08:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, the entire back room of Walmart smelled like cat piss. No one else complained, as they all claimed they couldn’t smell a thing under their masks. I, on the other hand, have a headache and nausea from the overpowering scent despite my mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 91

By shescomfortablynumb - 05/06/2009 07:49 - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 528

You deserved it 4 751

By ForeverAlone - 20/05/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 087

You deserved it 8 278

By cdestarac - 10/01/2012 06:07 - United States

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 136

You deserved it 37 684

You OK?

By Anonymous - 21/03/2021 11:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, while I was working in the drive-through at work, a lady was wearing kitchen oven-mitts and a snorkeling mask instead of gloves and a mask to pick up her prescription. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 86

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 15:11 - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 48 652

You deserved it 5 387

By LOTRfail - 27/07/2012 02:13 - United States - Malden

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 209

You deserved it 4 039

By boob sisters - 02/07/2014 17:01 - United States - Lilburn

Spicy

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 707

You deserved it 29 215

By Anonymous - 13/05/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 948

You deserved it 5 230

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 06:21 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 544

You deserved it 5 618

By Stephie2009 - 30/10/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, my mother got remarried. I am now officially older than my step-father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 615

You deserved it 3 128

Karen strikes again

By Ihateithere - 13/07/2021 16:01

Today, I was reduced to tears and called a "useless fat bitch" by a customer I was serving. She didn’t realize that the steak fajitas she’d ordered had steak in them. She said she was a vegetarian. She failed to mention it, but apparently it was "my fault" because I “should have known." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 59

By Jodie - 03/02/2012 12:48 - Australia

Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 888

You deserved it 50 154

By phantomdriver - 24/03/2011 22:51 - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 792

You deserved it 3 613

By itssomething - 01/03/2016 20:15 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Spicy

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 502

You deserved it 2 612

By ugly - 15/04/2011 06:43 - Australia

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 936

You deserved it 3 356

By mk - 20/06/2009 05:47 - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 351

You deserved it 13 405

By Starter656 - 24/12/2017 06:00

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 319

You deserved it 782

By amy - 20/07/2019 02:09

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 121

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Top comments

Dylan_331414998 10

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Friday 20 September 2019 2:32

Coloring is therapeutic to people and maybe he wanted to help you out.

Send a private message

Friday 20 September 2019 2:11

So do you need them?

Comments

Send a private message

Friday 20 September 2019 2:11

So do you need them?

Dylan_331414998 10

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Friday 20 September 2019 2:32

Coloring is therapeutic to people and maybe he wanted to help you out.

Ainarr 29

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Friday 20 September 2019 3:39

honestly, as a recent graduate — you might just need them. for stress.

zoelog 10

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Friday 20 September 2019 3:56

I'm going to assume he was kidding.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 20 September 2019 5:19

You do, and tell him not to fuck around. You need the box of 64 with the built-in sharpener -- college is big-time stuff!

raven_of_azarath 34

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Friday 20 September 2019 5:55

I used crayons, colored pencils, and markers quite a bit in college. Granted it was for stress-relief coloring and not actual class... Maybe he’s just tying to help you keep from getting too stressed? Or maybe he’s making a statement about your degree. Do you happen to be majoring in education or art?

ThatOneLonelyAsian 31

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Friday 20 September 2019 9:13

he should let you buy it yourself and let you be independent, i get how that's upsetting

Send a private message

Friday 20 September 2019 14:01

Yes. Yes you do.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Friday 20 September 2019 16:58

You'll need to eat something while you're a piss-poor student.

jbuckets_404 38

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Saturday 21 September 2019 2:01

Won't your dad still need them if he's in the US Marine Corps???

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 37

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 94

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 764