By Anonymous

A rock and a hard place

Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

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Get the hell out of Dodge

Stubborn

Congratulations!

By M - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

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By J-Ro - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2021 18:01 - United States

You can't see for shit

Today, my parents still won't let me drive in the dark. I'm 30 years-old. FML

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By scarredforlife - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By fuckthepopo - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. In tears, I called my best friend and told him everything. He responded with one- or two-word answers throughout, but I felt better all the same. That is, until I heard him begin to take a loud piss half-way through my sentence. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 08:01

The price is wrong

Today, I have to pay a $20 customs fee on the replacement charging cord for my tablet pen, bringing the total up to $60 I’ve paid for this $4 cord. FML

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By almost governmental - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Coming or going

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

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By chee - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 20:01

Long road ahead

Today, I came out to one of my best friends as non-binary, and told him (with their permission) that some of our friends were trans. He told us that we were all idiots and refuses to accept us. We've known him since 3rd grade. FML

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By loz4151336

Criminal minds at their best

Today, my friends wanted to try to dine and dash at a McDonald's. I had to explain why that wouldn't work. FML

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By me - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's response to my question about where our relationship was going was, "Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 02:02 - United States - Brush Prairie

Well done Cooper

Today, my phone chose not to deliver a message to my girlfriend. This isn't the first time either; It has a habit of failing to deliver or receive messages to/from her, making it look like I'm ignoring her by not responding. It only does this with her, none of my other contacts. My phone may be trying to sabotage my relationship. FML

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By MC - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 17:01

Take the compliment

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

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By thanksforthat - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I went to the hospital with stomach pains. I found out I have mono, as well as a ruptured ovarian cyst, which may need surgery. I called my best friend for support, only for her to drunkenly yell at me for not being at her party, and that this could have waited till a better time. FML

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By dating a fucking psycho - United States - Hickory

Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

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By JoannaG25 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

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By rainedaddy - United States

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

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By maisie - 31/3/2021 21:30

Skinny issues

Today, after a few months of trying to gain weight due to being severely underweight, I got a stomach flu and lost every single pound I put on, and then some. FML

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By notmycircus - United States - Cincinnati

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

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By Demetria - United States - White Plains

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

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By JoblessandStupid - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I got pissed and tried to storm out of work, only to get outside and realize I couldn't because I'd let my coworker borrow my car for lunch. FML

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By Mangled Shoelace - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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By filipkm - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the subway, a little tipsy, I sat down next to a guy I thought was cute, hoping to enjoy some harmless flirting. I said, "Hello." He said, "May I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Can you please move away from me?" FML

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By Ksweety_fml

He does have a point

Today, I texted someone and typed, "lol". My boyfriend asked me why I put "lol". I told him because I thought it was funny. He looked at me weird and said, "But you didn't laugh." Now he thinks I'm weird because I didn't actually laugh out loud. FML

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By Anonymous

Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer

Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

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By tkr - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By bevo - Australia

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

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By happypineapple - Australia - Scarborough

Nice

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

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By BagelShmear - United States

Today, while working the cash register at my job, a little kid was running around with products while his mom was checking out. She told him she was going to give me his PSP if he didn't stop. He responded by throwing a bag of coffee beans at my face. I didn't even get to keep his PSP. FML

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By marriedlesbian

Today, after a dangerous and painful emergency caesarean, I received an SMS from a guy I turned down for a date, saying he was crying and so excited to meet 'our' baby. I've barely even shaken hands with this guy. FML

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By itsnotyouitsher - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend left me for a girl I know. She was the girl my last boyfriend left me for. FML

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By fgs - 29/11/2020 23:01

In the zone

Today, after joking with the guy I've been talking to for 8 months about his plans for my birthday, he told me he didn't want to 'lead me on' and wants to stay friends. FML

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By Authentik8 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

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Top comments

By Compass5000 | 5

#7849586 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 20:20

Someday, you will live on your own, and life will be glorious.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7849534 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 18:18

And the stench from the drop hole toilet is preferable to home life? Yowza!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7849534 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 18:18

And the stench from the drop hole toilet is preferable to home life? Yowza!

By Compass5000 | 5

#7849586 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 20:20

Someday, you will live on your own, and life will be glorious.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7849642 - Wednesday 9 October 2019 0:35

sounds like you need to move out.

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7849684 - Wednesday 9 October 2019 4:22

*Insert Professor Farnsworth 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore' meme here*