By Anonymous - 10/9/2018 13:00

3spooky5me

Today, I stayed the night at a friend's house for the first time. I went to get water from the kitchen when I saw a cat staring at me. I looked back and it ran off. I told my friend about it. He doesn’t have a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2482

You deserved it

211

Favorite

Animals

Rock, hard place

The opposite of a good idea

Yappy neighborhood

By Decker - 14/2/2010 01:04 - United States

Today, I went to a crowded Walmart with a hot new girl I'm dating. It was raining and we had to park far from the entrance. As soon as we get out of my car, she starts sprinting to get out of the rain. I run to catch up and slip on a metal plate, and do a reverse superman onto my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22945

You deserved it

5507

Favorite

By goodbye - 9/3/2009 00:45 - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

96991

You deserved it

34429

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, was my boyfriends mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45455

You deserved it

7802

Favorite

By Emma - 5/1/2016 03:08 - United Kingdom - Rawtenstall

Today, I had a job interview where I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" I replied truthfully, "My cat", only to then be asked what my cat would describe as my best qualities, which didn't go far beyond, "Remembering to feed him". They weren't impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19631

You deserved it

5427

Favorite

By in pain - 15/3/2011 22:57

Today, I got into a bad car accident, where I got severe whiplash, swollen knees, and cuts everywhere. I called my boss to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it in and he fired me for being 'not dependable'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41347

You deserved it

3638

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/4/2012 04:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28809

You deserved it

2668

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33130

You deserved it

6346

Favorite

By KDM - 5/2/2012 19:39 - Australia

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24858

You deserved it

6568

Favorite

By vikinggirl - 13/9/2010 09:14 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42980

You deserved it

13467

Favorite

By that one anon - 7/5/2015 06:27 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36790

You deserved it

2522

Favorite

By Anna L. - 25/3/2013 00:23 - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36053

You deserved it

6528

Favorite

By you fucking idiot - 19/12/2013 17:20 - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44314

You deserved it

4336

Favorite

By LadyAlyxandrea - 14/7/2018 19:00

Today, I almost died after getting an epidural in my neck. The medicine paralyzed my entire body, including my diaphragm and lungs. The doctor tried to say it was a panic attack. I had turned blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3954

You deserved it

207

Favorite

By NYeeerrr - 9/6/2019 22:00

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1496

You deserved it

660

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14091

You deserved it

1124

Favorite

By fishruinsex - 8/12/2010 08:46

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34186

You deserved it

5963

Favorite

By vegantreegirl - 4/2/2019 20:00

Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2376

You deserved it

271

Favorite

By Rhett_15 - 1/8/2017 13:00

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

Today, I found out that my favorite song is about blow jobs and crystal meth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3329

You deserved it

884

Favorite

By ImNotFat - 18/2/2015 04:22 - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31798

You deserved it

3257

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/5/2019 17:15

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1618

You deserved it

Favorite

By sexual parrot - 21/4/2014 18:42

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57433

You deserved it

16004

Favorite

By sick - 6/10/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27723

You deserved it

2779

Favorite

By Ese - 12/10/2018 12:00

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2484

You deserved it

881

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/6/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34538

You deserved it

10700

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 16:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I let a friend cut my hair. I soon went from having a 'fro to looking like I lost a fight with a lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35622

You deserved it

17307

Favorite

By soontobesingle - 19/3/2013 11:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49762

You deserved it

4956

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 03:08 - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32937

You deserved it

5393

Favorite

By silent one - 12/9/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27158

You deserved it

2991

Favorite

By thisisme - 17/1/2011 01:37 - Canada

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27587

You deserved it

3444

Favorite

By pain - 26/2/2010 10:23 - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60285

You deserved it

3245

Favorite

By lame - 31/12/2010 05:02 - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10344

You deserved it

21909

Favorite

By RectalSteve - 10/9/2017 20:00 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3434

You deserved it

227

Favorite

By rrefaat - 28/6/2019 07:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1637

You deserved it

118

Favorite

By lacieQ - 1/8/2014 20:09 - Canada

Today, I confided to my grandma that I'm suffering from depression and I feel like a burden to everyone. She replied that her grandpa used to suffer from depression too, but that he'd cured himself in the end, namely by committing suicide. Thanks, grandma, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44919

You deserved it

4173

Favorite

By tubedout - 23/7/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54307

You deserved it

6312

Favorite

By notgoodwitholdpeople - 23/5/2014 16:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, an old lady fell in the street, and I rushed to help her. As I tried to help her to her feet, she started screaming, "She pushed me! She pushed me!" I froze up in shock, and ended up being chased by some guy who thought I'd attacked her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42665

You deserved it

3093

Favorite

By Username - 23/7/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47128

You deserved it

3174

Favorite

By samgonzalessb - 14/12/2009 17:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41213

You deserved it

3807

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26420

You deserved it

4314

Favorite

By anonymous - 24/5/2016 03:41 - United States - Manchester

Today, I got put in a speech impediment class because apparently I have a lisp. No, my tongue is just swollen, and I can't talk very well because of it. I've talked normally for the past 17 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12090

You deserved it

728

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#7690710 - Monday 10 September 2018 13:20

A random cat on the loose in a house sounds like a catastrophy waiting to happen.

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7690731 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:06

AT least you didn't see a big black dog in an alley

Comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#7690710 - Monday 10 September 2018 13:20

A random cat on the loose in a house sounds like a catastrophy waiting to happen.

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7690731 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:06

AT least you didn't see a big black dog in an alley

By blightsight | 10

#7690738 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:20

Sounds more like a MLIA post. Nobody got hurt.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7690750 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:38

Ask your friend if he has things disappearing like socks or something

By Charlie Given | 21

#7690834 - Monday 10 September 2018 16:15

It was ghost pussy 😂😋

By Mightytall | 35

#7690882 - Monday 10 September 2018 18:24

Cats do adopt houses and people, may take a while until he or she realizes though.
And if kittie is nice and doesn’t pee everywhere or destroy the furniture, why not keep her around?
They do kill spiders and bugs and make great couch companions.

By pjsr | 32

#7690908 - Monday 10 September 2018 19:07

Are you sure it wasn’t a mogwai?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7690956 - Monday 10 September 2018 20:04

Looks like he has a cat now!

By Chazzster | 20

#7691089 - Monday 10 September 2018 23:52

I gotta wonder - Cat, rat, or opossum? How big was that “cat” OP? Were any unscreened windows open?

By protoskore | 26

#7691509 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 16:38

isn't there some blog/website dedicated to "I don't have a cat" stories?