By Anonymous - 10/9/2018 13:00

3spooky5me

Today, I stayed the night at a friend's house for the first time. I went to get water from the kitchen when I saw a cat staring at me. I looked back and it ran off. I told my friend about it. He doesn’t have a cat. FML

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Animals

Thanks, I'm cured!

Please like me

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 13/8/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By Why - 29/1/2016 22:53

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

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By douchegamer - 3/3/2013 03:38 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

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By HomicidalPegasus - 25/5/2014 15:50 - United States - Bethalto

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 03:25 - France

Today, I was so bored, I sewed my name into my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 11:41 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

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By Mb13 - 21/12/2016 20:02

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

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By Punk - 7/6/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

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By Debbie - 23/2/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2012 14:33 - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2016 04:32

Today, my boyfriend of nearly six months broke up with me. Over text. In a group chat. With the new girl he wanted to date. FML

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By TheKunitzShow14 - 10/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

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By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 18:54 - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

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By Help. - 29/9/2011 17:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

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By Charlotte - 28/9/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I arrived at work at 8, and business was abnormally slow, but we assumed it would pick up. Few hours later, we had not had a single customer. As I walk out of the restaurant, I realize the open sign has been off all day. FML

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By Sad bitch - 18/6/2018 19:00

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

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By ouchies - 5/5/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

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By - 9/1/2020 20:00

Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By soooyeah - 30/4/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

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By Screwed - 22/4/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By Tired - 25/12/2018 12:00

Today, was my first day off in almost a month. My husband and I spent all morning arguing then he left to his job saying he won't be back tonight. Apparently I'm being neglectful because I don't have the energy for sex after being the only one working FT, cooking, cleaning, and running errands. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2012 08:17 - United States

Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML

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By wobble... - 23/2/2012 11:29 - Australia

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

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By StillAVirgin - 17/10/2016 15:23 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend said, "One day I'll tell my children how I met you. I mean, our children." It's pretty cute, except for the fact that we're 17 and have been dating for only two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 10:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By Idiocracy - 24/4/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

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By Sheila - 26/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

The Voice (of the future)

Today, my husband was singing while doing the housework. I told him to sign up for The Voice. He took me seriously, and did. Too bad for him, because he sounds like a cat dying in a ditch. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - 30/4/2013 01:57 - United States - Hannibal

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 20:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 22:00

Today, I threatened to break up with my boyfriend over the Trolley Games in Toontown Rewritten for trying to sabotage my scores. We're 24 and 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 02:00

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By loser - 10/10/2009 20:45 - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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By PeanutlyDisabled - 8/1/2010 07:23 - France

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

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By dukebluedevils13 - 5/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

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Top comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#7690710 - Monday 10 September 2018 13:20

A random cat on the loose in a house sounds like a catastrophy waiting to happen.

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7690731 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:06

AT least you didn't see a big black dog in an alley

COMMENTS

By awildwhisper | 30

#7690710 - Monday 10 September 2018 13:20

A random cat on the loose in a house sounds like a catastrophy waiting to happen.

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7690731 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:06

AT least you didn't see a big black dog in an alley

By blightsight | 10

#7690738 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:20

Sounds more like a MLIA post. Nobody got hurt.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7690750 - Monday 10 September 2018 14:38

Ask your friend if he has things disappearing like socks or something

By Charlie Given | 23

#7690834 - Monday 10 September 2018 16:15

It was ghost pussy 😂😋

By Mightytall | 35

#7690882 - Monday 10 September 2018 18:24

Cats do adopt houses and people, may take a while until he or she realizes though.
And if kittie is nice and doesn’t pee everywhere or destroy the furniture, why not keep her around?
They do kill spiders and bugs and make great couch companions.

By pjsr | 32

#7690908 - Monday 10 September 2018 19:07

Are you sure it wasn’t a mogwai?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7690956 - Monday 10 September 2018 20:04

Looks like he has a cat now!

By Chazzster | 20

#7691089 - Monday 10 September 2018 23:52

I gotta wonder - Cat, rat, or opossum? How big was that “cat” OP? Were any unscreened windows open?

By protoskore | 26

#7691509 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 16:38

isn't there some blog/website dedicated to "I don't have a cat" stories?