Love: Today, I went to the grocery store where my husband works. I... - FML

29/11/2010 18:26 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where my husband works. I wanted to surprise him, so I went up behind him and started kissing his neck. He seemed to love it, and so did I, until I noticed it wasn't my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 46 825

This Charming Man

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dysfunctional

Good boy, best boy

By Anonymous - 20/07/2020 14:01

Today, I realised that I have a better relationship with my cat than I do with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 381

14/11/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 060

You deserved it 815

That Monday feeling

By Ed. - 20/07/2020 05:01

Today, I have to go into work for the first time since the Covid-19 lockdown. I've been working from home since March. Today was also the first time since going on lockdown that I cut myself shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 205

14/02/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 918

You deserved it 5 783

13/03/2010 05:18 - Australia

Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 144

You deserved it 3 369

Not the sharpest tool

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 17:01

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Her six old likes me more than her. I hate kids. I stayed with her in spite of her son, because I love her. For some reason she thought I was going to leave her and take her kid with me. So she broke up with me first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 256

14/02/2016 16:26 - United States - Houston

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 678

You deserved it 3 362

Urine trouble

By boopingsnoot - 07/07/2017 02:04

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 748

You deserved it 336

28/11/2010 05:05 - Thailand

Today, I was trying to get to my boyfriend via public transport in Thailand. He was giving the driver instructions through my phone when my phone went flat. I am now alone in the passenger seat of a car, next to a creepy old driver, no idea where he is taking me, and I don't speak a word of Thai. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 477

You deserved it 5 482

18/07/2013 07:41 - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 671

You deserved it 14 972

19/02/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend, I haven't seen them in months. They told me that was a bad idea and they couldnt fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn't have any yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 148

You deserved it 2 672

04/01/2012 19:01 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office. People kept staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. Later, I realized my sister's puppies had chewed a noticeable hole in my pants' crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 480

You deserved it 5 564

09/07/2011 04:48 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 157

You deserved it 7 394

14/09/2012 00:57 - United States - Hinsdale

Today, after having a long talk with my mother about gays, she told me that she was totally open. I felt completely relieved, being gay myself. Seconds later, she said, "But not for you. I want you to find me a nice girl that can give me lots of grand kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 963

You deserved it 5 214

01/06/2009 20:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 477

You deserved it 64 663

Serial killer

By bananapie69 - 29/05/2020 23:00

Today, during my staff Google Meet conference, I forgot to mute my mic when I joined and I was still listening to a true crime podcast. I started to notice people's confused looks and realized they were all hearing the details of the bodies found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 957

15/07/2009 14:29 - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 589

You deserved it 5 279

24/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's to get a checkup. When the nurse stuck the Otoscope into my ear to look, she was disgusted. When she pulled it out, she told me that I had an ear infection, and that she'd popped a pimple in there by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 848

You deserved it 5 307

29/03/2016 22:50 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 043

You deserved it 1 679

05/12/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 948

You deserved it 3 366

21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 118

You deserved it 181

09/01/2016 05:25 - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 794

You deserved it 1 293

31/10/2015 17:19 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 082

You deserved it 1 950

17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 002

You deserved it 24 139

05/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 154

You deserved it 206

11/02/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 139

You deserved it 2 571

18/04/2015 16:45 - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 944

You deserved it 11 556

Just a prank, again

By momaaa1342 - 21/10/2013 03:51 - United States - Elmwood

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 649

You deserved it 3 589

02/09/2012 19:41 - Norway - Geilo

Today, my boss got angry at me because my English is better than his. He accused me of trying to steal his management position, and implied that I'll be lucky if I still have a job by the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 875

You deserved it 1 728

Mistaken identity

By Guess I was wrong - 16/03/2020 06:23

Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 365

07/12/2008 08:46 - France

Today, the girl I've been hitting on for months on MSN and that I'm about to meet told me "I know you are in love, and you know I'm not". Erm, no, I didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 918

You deserved it 5 107

17/02/2010 12:50 - United States

Today, I had to X-ray an 81 year old lady. The clothes she was wearing would show up on the X-ray so I had to make her change into a gown. I found out the hard way that 81 year olds still go commando. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 598

You deserved it 3 084

15/03/2009 02:27 - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 857

You deserved it 70 181

11/01/2012 05:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 515

You deserved it 36 543

15/02/2013 07:18 - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 915

You deserved it 4 059

13/05/2016 19:25 - Canada - Markham

Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 901

You deserved it 4 236

25/08/2010 00:08 - Paraguay

Spicy

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 497

You deserved it 28 291

Song sung blue

By Anonymous - 31/07/2012 06:42 - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 550

You deserved it 3 597

Judgmental

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 150

14/01/2016 06:36 - France - V?lizy-villacoublay

Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 821

You deserved it 5 077

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UTTU 0

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:00

Someone had a good day.

fearfulsymmetry 1

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:15

I honestly don't know how you weren't able to tell a random man from your husband. ALSO, since when is it professional behavior to start kissing up on your husband at his place of work? I highly doubt his superior would be okay with that sort of behavior. Control yourself and wait until you're in a more appropriate(possibly private) setting.

Comments

UTTU 0

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:00

Someone had a good day.

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:20

op is stupid because she is a woman

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:27

OP, nice dumb move. you can't even recognize your own husband from behind? also, even if it WAS your husband, you said you were going to suprise him, why would u go up to him and start kissing his neck? since it was a suprise, he wouldn't know it was you and probably wouldn't react very well. also, I'm pretty sure his boss wouldn't appreciate him making out with his wife on the job. Use some common sense next time

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 0:08

your screw up started by being married to someone who works at a grocery store!

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 0:53

next time just slap him in the face and pretend he was attacking you. 100% of you humiliation , gone haha

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 1:10

If your husband saw you, then you succeeded in surprising him.

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 1:14

Kinky bitch ;-)

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 3:53

look who's talking

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 4:55

25 most people are losing their jobs in this economy and hey you need to work somewhere rather than dot at home getting nothing done

InfiltratedMind 0

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 8:19

61 not according to Obama. shy does her husband need his job anyway?? why not go home and have babies so they can get a bigger welfare check! discuss?

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 9:21

Agreed. I asked my ex sister-in-law why she quit her job. She said because she "makes enough on welfare". Made me want to punch a dumbass.

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Saturday 11 December 2010 11:58

your a fit bitch ;)

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Saturday 10 September 2011 18:35

F*ck welfare. Makes it easy for lazy people to be even lazier and just have babies that will make it nowhere in life.

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Monday 25 June 2012 8:33

hahaha number 42 your comment made me laugh soo hard... I completely agree

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:01

Way to go playa

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:02

Shoulda cropped a feel and made the guy's day

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:03

hope your husband didn't see. ;D

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:03

why would a guy love that? like if he didnt know what she looked like she could be fugly...o.0 creeper

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Wednesday 2 July 2014 6:42

You have no idea how a man's mind works it is awkward in the weirdest ways

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:07

ydi for marrying someone who works in a grocery store

HatsuneMikuPwnzz 0

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:51

least he has a job. may not be the best, but it's a job

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 0:54

I agree

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 4:42

hahaha!!

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Wednesday 20 July 2011 9:53

looool awesome

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:08

you are and idiot. you can tell ur own husband from a random guy? your husband should now get to makeout with your hot bestfriend.

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 2:25

can't** you mean.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 2:15

lol

ZombieSlaya115 17

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Friday 28 October 2016 2:07

English

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:12

Should have surprised him via buttsecks.

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 11:30

win

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:12

So now Ed, (the pedophile grocery bagger) has something to beat off to. Thanks for saving a child.

fearfulsymmetry 1

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Monday 29 November 2010 23:15

I honestly don't know how you weren't able to tell a random man from your husband. ALSO, since when is it professional behavior to start kissing up on your husband at his place of work? I highly doubt his superior would be okay with that sort of behavior. Control yourself and wait until you're in a more appropriate(possibly private) setting.

Send a private message

Tuesday 30 November 2010 1:40

Agree completely. I would be pissed if my husband did this to me at work and twice as pissed if he attempted to do this to me and landed on some random coworker instead. You, madam, are an idiot. Fear the wrath of your husband. Next time, keep your arse at home.

ChibiChibi_fml 27

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 2:19

I completely agree with both of the comments above me. The OP could have put her husband's job at risk with this behavior. There is a time and place for everything and making out with someone while they are at work/on the clock is entirely inappropriate behavior. That is unless the person is a hooker or something and that is part of their job, in which case they shouldn't be giving it away for free while they are working.

fearfulsymmetry 1

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 2:34

I know this is completely unrelated, but ImaginaryFoe, there is not one comment that you have posted that I have disagreed with. Kudos to you ma'am!

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 3:00

I suspect you're only saying that because I agreed with you but I'll take it anyway. Thank you! BTW, I love your username.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 109

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 133