Nearly FML

By Anonymous - 02/07/2017 21:56

Today, my fiance and I decided to say fuck everyone and elope. I love the idea. But my stepmother is still telling me I need a $10,000 wedding. FML.

agreeclassic 55

vote type 1 8

By Cappy situation - 02/07/2017 14:16 - United States

For some reason my roomate left the toliet stopped up. And doesnt own a plunger. I emergency had to shit. So I ended up shitting in a reusable bowl, that I threw away, all while trying to avoid eye contact with the dog.

agreeclassic 58

vote type 1 8

By "ThatOneStonerBitch42000" - 02/07/2017 18:48

Today I was hugging my boyfriend while smiling and my braces got caught on his shirt and ripped one of them off now I have a missing bracket on my front tooth fml

agreeclassic 60

vote type 1 5

By JustPerfect1997 - 02/07/2017 11:40 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, I had a sprained wrist. Carried on as normal, painkillers and ice pack occasionally. I had a sharp pain from picking up a book, wrist is now bruised and swollen. Boss says carry on with the rest of the day (3+ hours). Sever tendon damage to my wrist was hospital's diagnosis 5 hours later. FML

agreeclassic 68

vote type 1 9

By LadyDame - 02/07/2017 11:36

Today I was finally going to make a move on my crush. This was decided before his younger brother approached me, and he revealed the very serious feelings he had for me. Well, plans change. FML.

agreeclassic 70

vote type 1 11

By I really need to take an art class - 02/07/2017 04:28 - New Zealand

Today, I drew a portrait that I'm extremely proud of- a stranger wearing glasses that I saw asleep on a park bench. At least, I was proud of it. Until my friend mistook it for an alien wearing thick goggles. FML.

agreeclassic 58

vote type 1 9

By KattyTime - 02/07/2017 10:05

Today, I woke up to a cat clawing both sides of my face. Happy birthday to me. FML

agreeclassic 72

vote type 1 7

By Simser - 01/07/2017 21:59 - United States - Phoenix

Today I spent 12 hours cleaning my boyfriends house so his ex girlfriend can stay there for 4 days. FML

agreeclassic 55

vote type 1 67

By "What do I do?" - 01/07/2017 21:57 - United States - Pomona

I started flirting with a girl I have really liked for a long time. So did another guy I know. I am now the middle man in the conversation of the two getting together. FML

agreeclassic 54

vote type 1 10

By No spoilers, please, I'm not British - 02/07/2017 03:35

Today, I was all set to watch the Doctor Who season 10 finale. Turns out, it aired half an hour earlier than I expected. FML

agreeclassic 61

vote type 1 24

By CreeptacularBait - 02/07/2017 03:31

Today, the puppy I have been raising for 2 months went to his new home. I was only supposed to watch him for a week and got attached to him. He destroyed walls, stairs, and floors in my rental. The original owners aren't reimbursing me for anything. Now I have two reasons I can't stop crying. FML

agreeclassic 73

vote type 1 20

One key to rule them all

By Killme - 01/07/2017 13:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was informed by my boss that I have been upgraded to "key holder" because I'm so responsible. I was also informed I will need it to lock up myself, as I will be in the office alone all next week while the other 10 employees and my boss go on vacation. FML

agreeclassic 5 370

vote type 1 328

All you need is hate

By MyEyesAreOpen - 01/07/2017 04:00

Today, I got a positive take-home message from my failed relationship. He gave me great advice about changing my cell phone carrier. FML

agreeclassic 3 531

vote type 1 311

Can you smell that?

By ToNumbToSmell - 30/06/2017 19:43

Today, I went to the dentist to get impressions for my permanent crowns. My nose is now numb. FML

agreeclassic 3 926

vote type 1 549

Chronomay app_comment_confession_title

Chronomay 20

Wednesday 28 June 2017 3:02

To be fair my dentist was making sure not to hurt me but still it was a weird sensation.

That's what they all say before ending up in AA

By Anonymous - 30/06/2017 19:38

Today, I was getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth. When I spat out my toothpaste, I also vomited a bit of the tacos I'd had for dinner, so I brushed my teeth again. I'm completely sober. FML

agreeclassic 4 573

vote type 1 692

boopingsnoot app_comment_confession_title

boopingsnoot 24

Wednesday 28 June 2017 3:03

Hey, I made an account to give some details. I have a mild form of EDS, so I get acid reflux and sleep apnea. But this occasion was weird: ate tacos at 6pm, snack and my meds 10pm, and was brushing my teeth at 11pm. With no trace of the cereal I'd just eaten. With no heartburn before or after. But yeah, my dad did season the bajeezus outta those tacos.

By Mr.fartyhead - 29/06/2017 18:24

Today my company is filming a new commercial in the showroom floor, it was dead silent when they were filming with my owner speaking, and I ripped a rather loud touchy trumpet. It was the 20th take and a perfect one at that.

agreeclassic 79

vote type 1 46

By callingouttoanyrealtorsandpyrosinthearea - 25/06/2017 04:00

Today, at 8:30 in the morning, workers in the lot across the street began doing some very loud hydraulic installations and testing for the new lab that's being built on the property. It's now 11:20 at night, and they're still working on it. I'm seriously considering just burning my house down. FML

agreeclassic 4 273

vote type 1 352

By Enolay - 24/06/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I received my order from Ocado. I'd placed an order including 12 bottles of water. Before I got my order, Ocado sent me an email saying that they replaced some of my items, which is why I’m looking at 48 250ml bottles of water now. FML

agreeclassic 4 054

vote type 1 545

By Aturo75 - 22/06/2017 23:48

Today I gave my out of work husband $250 because he was LITERALLY crying that he didn't have enough money to pay his car insurance. Then he went to the bar. FML

agreeclassic 223

vote type 1 76

By Bambi122913 - 22/06/2017 04:00

Today, my brother and I got our first tattoos. He got his dedicated to our grandfather who passed away a few years ago, while I got mine dedicated to my mom. My grandmother doesn't like tattoos, but loves his and considers it "meaningful and sentimental," while mine is a "tramp stamp." It's on my leg. FML

agreeclassic 3 984

vote type 1 462

Erm, can you not?

By xxrissixx - 18/06/2017 20:00

Today, I have been saving up for an overseas trip next year. My dad has offered to completely pay for my sister to go as well, despite if I want to bring her or not. FML

agreeclassic 4 669

vote type 1 328

By Getmeanewjob - 17/06/2017 18:00

Today, a client delivered the wrong material for me to use while working, I called him and he apologized for the inconvenience. I told my boss I'd hold off on that project until I got the right material. He immediately assumed I'd done something wrong and yelled at me. FML

agreeclassic 3 736

vote type 1 266

By TheKidIsAParadox - 17/06/2017 14:06 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my 11 year old sleeps with a sleeping mask on, but needs her bedroom door open because "I don't like it too dark" FML.

agreeclassic 217

vote type 1 29

By Journeyman1 - 17/06/2017 00:00

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and expected him to say something about my weight, because I clearly lit up underweight on the office scale. I wasn't expecting him to keep me waiting for 75 minutes and then not utter a peep about it. FML

agreeclassic 3 367

vote type 1 764

Who's the mature one around here?

By anonymous - 16/06/2017 18:00

Today, it's my dad's birthday, and because my brother wanted more pancakes than he was allowed, he screamed at the top of his lungs, "You ruined my birthday!" He's 47 and my brother is 5. FML

agreeclassic 4 179

vote type 1 316

By "Demonic Rainbow" - 16/06/2017 04:52

Today... I am well known as the nicest cashier at our store, out of 30 people, according to both co-workers and customers. Just sat through a meeting on how bad my attitude is...FML.

agreeclassic 239

vote type 1 27

By worstMan - 16/06/2017 03:44

Today, my friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding! Last week, I spent 3 months savings to buy a plane ticket to visit family. The ticket is not refundable or transferrable. Do I spend 1 month's savings to buy a new ticket to fly back early, or miss it? FML

agreeclassic 198

vote type 1 14

By Kit - 15/06/2017 08:00 - United States - Greenville

Today, the guy I've been seeing didn't acknowledge my birthday. We've joked for weeks about how we share the same birthday. FML

agreeclassic 4 419

vote type 1 337

By leavemealone - 15/06/2017 02:00 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, a guy in a coffee shop was trying to chat me up, when he noticed a ring on my finger and asked if I was married. In a stroke of regrettable honesty, I told him no, the ring was my mother's, who died when I was young. He said I probably shouldn't wear it because "men'll just get confused." FML

agreeclassic 4 382

vote type 1 1 007

By budgeter - 14/06/2017 06:00 - United States - Boston

Today, my father made me go grocery shopping for the week because he believes my mother is too wasteful with her shopping. The bill for the three of us came out to $85, over double my budget of $30. He won't negotiate. FML

agreeclassic 3 726

vote type 1 293

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Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

agreeclassic 582

vote type 1 140

Today, I’m still crying over my five-month relationship that ended two months ago. I didn't cry this much over my ex-wife. FML

agreeclassic 744

vote type 1 284

Today, while getting gas, a hottie pulled-up to the pump next to me. I finished filling my tank and started to drive away. As I was checking her out and paying no attention to my driving, I ended up taking the front bumper off her car with my truck. FML

agreeclassic 6 060

vote type 1 40 487

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe… with my foot. FML

agreeclassic 37 719

vote type 1 3 658

Today, my man learned that "boner" used to mean "mistake." Now he won't stop referring to every mistake someone makes as a "boner", laughing like a hyena every single time. FML

agreeclassic 296

vote type 1 96

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

agreeclassic 22 379

vote type 1 33 768