Sex

Biblically plagued

By Anonymous - 10/01/2025 20:00 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, after a dry spell of a year, I finally managed to get a girl to come over to hook up. Things were going great until we both found out my bed was swarming with ants. I don't know how that could even happen. It's as if God himself is trying to stop me from getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 225

Is it so that strange?

By Anonymous - 09/01/2025 03:00 - United Kingdom - Garstang

Today, I realised something awful. I'm in two wonderful loving ethical non-monogamous relationships and I can and do occasionally enjoy a one-nighter or more outside of these. It hit me - I miss cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 1 046

In the mood

By Anonymous - 04/01/2025 20:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to break a recent dry spell brought on my sickness, stress, and a death in the family. She asked me for sex, but I’m too stressed out even to consider it. Looks like the dry spell is extended indefinitely and it’s all my fault. I’m a shitty boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 451

Girl…

By Anonymous - 03/01/2025 09:00 - Canada - Sydney

Today, I’m questioning everything about me. I’ve been in a relationship with the same guy for almost 3 years now, high school sweethearts if you will. Now I’m starting to question if I even like guys. I’ve never gotten off to a guy, but women? I’ve always gotten off to them. My boyfriend is so sweet, I don’t know how to do this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 226

No kinkshaming!

By Yuck - 31/12/2024 03:00 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boyfriend told me that I'm "almost" his perfect woman, and that if I wanted to be the perfect woman, I needed to start eating his ass. Yeah, no. See you never. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 282

Mystery shutdown

By Anonymous - 29/12/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife always told me she loved sex too much to ever give it up. I don’t know what’s happened recently but she’s now angry for no reason, bitter at the world, makes me suffer just for existing, and yes, she’s cancelled all intimacy and sex for the foreseeable future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 170

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time!

By Hoe, hoe, hoe - 25/12/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, my ex posted a rant on Facebook about how much he hates this time of year. He ended it with "and now the bitch broke up with me two days before Christmas." He conveniently left out the part where "the bitch" caught him having sex with another woman last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 95

Dogging at home

By Anonymous - 24/12/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I got freaky in the living room. Apparently we didn’t close the curtain all the way because three of our neighbours called the police. There was barely a 4 inch gap in the curtain. They must've had their noses right up to the window, or using binoculars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 145

Run for the hills

By Anonymous - 21/12/2024 20:00 - United States - Port Ludlow

Today, my boyfriend of 10 years won’t marry me until all my debts are paid off, which will take me 10 to 12 years to do. To add insult to injury, he’s been using intimacy as part of a reward system for me, and no matter how hard I try to earn it and as much as I initiate like he wants, he keeps turning me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 352

You deserved it 493

Grunge

By Anonymous - 20/12/2024 20:00 - United States - Brunswick

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. As I was about to give him head, I saw he had so much left over toilet paper stuck to his nuts. It kind of turned me off but I didn't want to say anything because he's one of the sweetest guys ever. After he nutted, he got up and there was toilet paper crumbs on his bed and ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 255

Plans for fun

By no sex, boo - 18/12/2024 20:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, my fiancee and I dropped off our kiddo at a birthday party. Since it's been a couple of weeks of no sex, I said, "We could have sex while he's gone!" She said "Or… we could clean!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 556

You deserved it 190

Safe sex

By avoiding preggers - 17/12/2024 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I saw my roommate walk out of his room into the kitchen with a used condom in his hand, and plop it into the garbage disposal. "I don't really trust this girl" is all he said before he opened his door and walked back into his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 150

Finger wagging

By Anonymous - 16/12/2024 20:00 - United States - Edison

Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 135

Dude bros

By Single - 14/12/2024 20:00 - United States - Edison

Today, I learned that when you try to be respectful of your new girlfriend and stay out of her pants for the first couple of months, she's just going to sleep with your douchebag roommate. He even said, "A girl this hot, you need to fuck her ASAP or she'll leave. Your loss, dude." FML

I agree, your life sucks 549

You deserved it 283

To each their own

By Anonymous - 13/12/2024 16:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my husband was eating me out when he suddenly lifted up my hips and started licking my asshole. I screamed for him to stop, since it was disgusting. I don't think I can ever have sex again. I can't believe I married someone who would do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 1 043

Cheating with the showerhead

By Anonymous - 12/12/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife shouted at me for masturbating in the shower, because, "It’s disgusting." She hasn’t touched me sexually in two years FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 135

Fitness for duty

By Anonymous - 10/12/2024 20:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I fucked up by jacking off. I have trouble getting "in the mood" due to medication and other things, so when I do I'm excited to enjoy myself, though it often takes a while and a lot of physical effort to get there. However, in the process of getting off today, I threw out my back and my hip. I'm only 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 178

Don't you want me baby?

By Ugh - 05/12/2024 20:00 - Romania

Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 189

Not worth it

By Anonymous - 04/12/2024 03:00 - United States - Portland

Today, out of the kindness of my heart, and so he wouldn't have to spend any money, I gave my ex-boyfriend my login information to my Vudu account. Big mistake. He logged me out of all devices, changed the password, and won't give me the new login information until I give him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 798

Infuriating

By Anonymous - 29/11/2024 22:00 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I've been with my girlfriend for almost six years and its been years since we had sex. I’m only 25. I’ve had a lot of urges and every time I’ve tried to start something she brushes it off. It's to the point where every sex scene I see in a movie makes me sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 340

Needs and desires

By Yeah, no. - 28/11/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is a cuck. After explaining that I'm not exactly satisfied in the bedroom, we were thinking of ideas to spice things up. I suggested buying a few toys he could use on me. He immediately got mad, because he wanted me to find other men to screw instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 177

To the end

By Anonymous - 27/11/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend turned down sex because he was watching TV and wanted to know how it ended. The show was probably ten years-old and on Netflix. He could watch it anytime he wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 426

You deserved it 241

Proud Papa moment

By Anonymous - 19/11/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter turned up at my house because her boyfriend kicked her out. I rang him and it turns out his love and affection and even the time he spent getting to know her kids wasn’t enough for her, my daughter just had to throw it all away by sucking her coworker's dick in her boyfriend's bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 156

Steamy

By DreeStahr - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 408

You deserved it 1 539

Plot twist

By Anonymous - 16/11/2024 09:00 - Australia - Emerald

Today, I had finally convinced myself to attend my first BDSM party by telling myself, "No one there knows you, and if they do, they're interested in the same thing." Once there, I immediately noticed the giant hole in my train of thought: One of the bar staff was a fellow uni student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 363

Mommy's bravest boy

By Anonymous - 13/11/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, my ex broke up with me because his mom didn't like me. He was visiting me across the country at the time, and still had a few days left. He had the audacity to still ask to sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 549

You deserved it 81

Decisions, decisions

By Not how that works - 10/11/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about possibly having a threesome. In his words, choosing a woman would be "a fun new experience for us to enjoy together." But choosing a man would be "forcing me to watch you cheat, and pretend that I'm okay with it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 227

Humblebrag

By Anonymous - 05/11/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife is upset because at a party we took part in an X-rated 'Never Have I Ever', which exposed how filthy I was with past girlfriends, and how boring our sex life is. I’d done almost everything, while she, who’s only ever been with me, had only done 5 things off the list of about 40. FML

I agree, your life sucks 405

You deserved it 346

Marital bliss

By Anonymous - 04/11/2024 22:00 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, my wife admitted she's upset with me because she can see I'm unhappy in our marriage. We've been married for over two months and we still haven't had penetrative sex because she's scared of the pain. I cook and care for the house alone (I work remotely), I make 6 times as much money as her, but she's mad I'm sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 206

Nice try

By Anonymous - 02/11/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend of 4 weeks tried to use sex to manipulate me. After sex, I was blissful and half asleep, which is the time she chose to tell me she has some credit card debt and could I please help her pay it off. £27,000. Yeah, no. Don’t let the door hit you on the way back to the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 127

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The Top

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 982

You deserved it 8 907

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 504

You deserved it 1 778

Today, my mom showed to my girlfriend my naked baby photos. My girlfriend said, "Nothing’s changed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 735

You deserved it 375

Today, I mistakenly texted my father in-law a photo of all my weed and all the joints I'd rolled. He’s also my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 155

You deserved it 1 571

Today, I sent my mom a text to tell her about my promotion at work. She responded with, "Who is this?" It turns out that she deleted my number, because I "never call." FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 182

Today, I spilled a bottle of honey on the floor while preparing breakfast. As I frantically tried to clean it up, my cat deemed it the perfect opportunity to slide and pad through the sticky mess like a slip-n-slide. Now, I have a honey-coated cat, a ruined floor, and a sticky mess to clean up before my roommates get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 123